Your Happiness Shouldn’t Be Contingent On Other People

Where does “people pleasing” stem from?

As I walked the dogs yesterday afternoon, I noticed this beautiful flower growing in the crack of the sidewalk. It is growing alone, without the help of grass or other flowers.

Although I do believe we need other people, relying on others to grow isn’t always necessary.

My whole life I have been a people-pleaser. I think that it stems from my childhood, always trying to keep the peace at home and help out.

If I could make my mother happy and change, I would be happy. But, she was never happy and I was often feeling low.

If she loved me, I could love myself.

The people-pleasing began at a young age because I had to grow up so fast. I had to be responsible and motherly while still finding my footing in elementary school.

Do you relate?

I began thinking of this recently because of my daughter. She had a hard time in school during her freshman year and had not found her tribe yet. Most of her friends from middle school went to a different high school and she was a small fish in a big pond.

This year, she found her tribe and a new boyfriend, and she is extremely happy, which I am grateful for. But, does this happiness only stick around because of the people in her life?

I’ve often felt that way. My codependency with my daughters and my husband was so interwoven because of my people-pleasing. If they were all happy, then I would feel better inside.

But, that comes at a price. Once you keep doing things for others all the time, you can lose yourself. My happiness was based on others, just like my daughter.

It took a good 42 years to change that around. I wasn’t really happy inside because my happiness was based on others. Let me tell you, people-pleasing can be extremely exhausting and especially when you base your happiness on the happiness of others.

Instead of looking inward and working on myself, I turned to the bottle for a quick fix when I was feeling low. I turned to the bottle when I hung out with my friends and family because I wasn’t so awkward with alcohol running through my veins.

When I finally quit after trying on and off for a decade, I became very aware of what I was doing. I found the root cause of my behaviors through the trauma that I endured as a child.

I realized, with therapy, that people will like me even if I don’t constantly do things for them and act a certain way. I can be myself, be genuine, and have some self-compassion without worrying if that will hinder my relationships.

I hope that my daughters come to terms with that sooner than I did. I hope they look inward and find happiness within themselves that isn’t contingent on who they are with or who their friends are.

In the end, extreme people-pleasing comes with negative consequences and it can hinder personal growth. When you drop the expectations from yourself and others, the light can flicker on inside and show you that you can find yourself without others being in the equation.

True happiness is found within. Not in other people.