Your gut-nagging fear is definititely a dream-killer
Based on a true experience. Story credits to my co-author Nikita Kothari.
Do you recall the way your body reverberates so vigorously when you decide to do something exciting? Well, thats my current dilemma. Since high school, I always dreamed of being in the limelight. I picture myself doing Broadway. Fans spanned across countries shouting my name. Paparazzis crowding every corner I walk to; every entry and exits being stuffed with them. Dreams always look picture perfect but in truth, a dream will always be a dream.
I was never allowed that life because my parents did not think it was lucrative enough. They wanted me to pursue something more solid and realistic. Something that is “proper” and of value that can make them proud. They wanted something that they think is more mainstream yet worth boasting because a Broadway star is just too low for a job. There are no certainties in this career and for all you know, years of training can lead to nothing. You`ll be extremely lucky to be the one that is selected for Broadway but limelight can only last so long. You`ll never know whether you can ever make it to the top of the Broadway list. Never know if fame will follow you wherever you go and is willing to stick by. My parents think it was a risky option that can have zero return on investment. Better play it safe they say.
However, some “miracle” happened during the Covid-19 lockdown. Who knew dreams can mean reality too? My mum called saying that both her and my dad agreed to support me in pursuing my Broadway dream once all of this is over. You probably think I will be over the moon after hearing this. Don`t get me wrong. I was but at the meantime, I was pulling towards the life I studied for all of a sudden. It was a pretty strange and messed up feeling. I did not feel like myself at all.
During my studies, I did everything in power to pull towards the arts even as far as to become president of the performing arts club at my college. Up till now, this one question keep hauting me: Why am I thrusting forwards to this life at this stage?
I was plunged in a tangle of confusion and got angry at everyone and anyone who came in my way when I decided to begin my application for a Master`s program. My happy go lucky self was in immense anger and this was dragging me down to a toxic place.
I had a horrible argument and quarrelled with my parents out of frustration; not to them but to myself. Basic questions like why am I choosing to continue applying for a Master`s program triggered me. I keep blaming my parents even though I knew deep down that it was pointless and there was no one to blame for this time. I was so used to being able to blame someone and everyone around me for the reason I can`t pursue my dream that when the door is finally opened for me to to chase after the thing I`ve always loved, I chickened out.
Questions such as “Am I good enough?” and “Will people laugh at me if I fail?” filled my mind. It was ridiculous. It was me being unreasonable and making things more complicated after all the hard work I`ve put in to achieve my ultimate goal. I did not know what I actually wanted. Maybe I don`t know myself that well after all. Maybe a dream should just be a dream. I resolve to masking it with more excuses and empty anger.
One day, I told myself enough was enough. I did researches on musical theatre classes and told my parents that I will not go for Masters. I want to ride this out and if I fail, it wll be my lesson to learn. Of course, they were scared hearing me speak this way. They were scared for their daughter sounding so bold and determined that if they disagree, it would certainly let her down dearly. Or worse, there may be a commotion. Their daughter may lose hope in them for real this time. In fact, they were are most scared for my health and safety because I was still training during Covid.
Thing is, if not now, when? There may never be a next chance. Time is never predictable. The people I met during my classes showed me a different side to the Asian “stereotype” as there were Asians of all kinds at these classes prepping for a Broadway or Hollywood career someday. For all we know, there may be a huge possibility of a Malaysian living in Malaysia becoming mainstream famous and winning accolades that changes the notion of this country.
Flash forward…
Months down the road and I`m a happy bird with a banished anger. I feel light again and realised that definitely, Asian kids always have the saying of dreams being destroyed by their parents but at the end of the day, the doors may have always been left ajar but us the ones who close it. I say this because since a young age, society grain this notion that anything but norms will feed us. Sadly, we became the byproduct of it by being reluctant to strive harder. We chicken out too easily. We fall out of determination too quickly. We get scared first.
