Your Expectations Will Make You Miserable

Don’t let them hold you, hostage

We have all been there.

We picture how a situation in the future is going to play out. Whether it’s a speech you’re going to deliver, a conversation with a boy/girl you like, or a job interview, we have all had expectations about how these events might turn out.

If you were to write down how you expected a situation to be, and how it actually turned out, I would wager there is a high probability your expectations and the reality of what happened were some way apart.

We are blessed with vivid imaginations, yet they can run amok and distort our view of reality if we let them.

When we expect something to happen, what we are thinking about is what we want to happen. The outcome in our heads is more than often than not, one where the outcome is in our favour.

This does not take into account other factors that may influence the outcome in the real world:

• How someone is feeling
• Fact is stranger than fiction
• The future can’t be predicted
• What others may want to happen

I could go on, but you get the idea. Our expectations do not take into account all these factors. When the inevitable happens, and events don’t go how we imagined, it’s only natural to be downhearted.

When you go into a situation with an expectation of how it may play out, anything less will leave you disappointed and miserable.

While expectations have their place, placing our happiness on the outcome of a situation we have no control over, is a recipe for disaster.

Sometimes, it’s better to go into a situation with no idea of what may happen, then one that is almost guaranteed not to occur.

Expectations and Happiness

I’m a big football fan. Whenever my team, Liverpool, play their matches at Anfield, I go along in the expectation they will win and that I will go home a happy man.

This normally comes to pass. Liverpool is one of the biggest teams in the English Premier League, and more often than not, they win the majority of their home matches.

However, there have been times when I’ve gone to Anfield expecting an easy Liverpool victory, and for some reason that is beyond my control, I come away from the ground disappointed and grumpy.

Would I have felt differently if I wasn’t a Liverpool fan? Probably.

I am going to these matches with a vested interest. I want, and expect, to see my team win. Anything less, and I’m not going to be happy.

I am invested in the outcome and therefore my emotions are going to reflect the result of the match. Win, and I will be a happy man, lose or draw, and I will be heading home in a sulk!

My expectations have held my emotions hostage depending on the outcome.

When we invest ourselves in situations such as these, we are bound to be downhearted if they do not play out the way we want.

Anyone who says otherwise is lying!

Expectation Vs. Reality

There is a scene in the film 500 Days of Summer which sums up the problem with expectations perfectly. The protagonist, Tom, is heading to a party hosted by his ex-girlfriend, Summer. The beauty of this scene is that the screen is split into two.

One side shows Tom’s expectations of how events will pan out, while the other shows what happened. Tom expects that once he arrives at her apartment, Summer and he will rekindle their relationship and all will be well with the world.

The reality is much different. He gets to the apartment, and Summer isn’t as overjoyed to see him as he thought she would be.

Instead of spending the majority of the party together as he imagined, Tom spends most of the party drinking by himself.

Towards the end of the night, he notices that Summer is wearing an engagement ring. Tom cannot hold it together any longer, and heads for the exit, depressed and distraught.

With the two scenes playing side-by-side, you can see the folly in Tom’s thinking. His expectations were what he wanted to happen. There was no prior indication they may play out the way he wanted.

Tom set himself up for a fall. His expectations were one of a perfect outcome in a perfect world, a world which reality does not inhabit.

The bitter sting of disappointment was the inevitable outcome once his expectations were not met.

In the following scenes, we see that Tom has become depressed. He only leaves his apartment for alcohol and junk food. During an emotional outburst at work a few days later, he quits his job.

While the majority of us will not have such a dramatic response to our expectations not being met, we will feel pangs of pain.

It’s natural, we are only human after all. But, we can avert these feelings if we do not place so much emphasis on our expectations and accept that reality beats to a different tune.

The Takeaway

When I think of expectations, I am reminded of lines from a Tame Impala song called Expectation:

Fluctuations are aching my soul Expectation is taking its toll

Fluctuations are normal in life. We have our ups, we have our downs, this is a part of life we cannot change, and nor should we.

The ever-changing nature of life is what makes it worthwhile and invigorating.

However, expectations will eventually take their toll if you let them.

It is good to have expectations. Sometimes, we need a lofty goal to help us push ourselves to greater heights, but we can take it too far at times.

Once we do this, we are too critical of ourselves and those around us. So much so, that we no longer expect people to be human beings, we expect them to react and behave how we want them to.

Disentangling our self-worth from our expectations is fundamental if we want to live a happy and fruitful life.

Loosening up our expectations is the way to go. This does not mean we become slacker and let go of our moral code. Simply, it means letting go of the need for yourself and others to be perfect.

This way we can accept ourselves for who we are, and accept others for who they are too. We do not hold anyone to an impossibly high standard. We accept things for what they are and face up to it.

We no longer allow expectation to take its toll. We no longer strive for ‘perfection,’ but aim for our best and that of others.

But above all, we no longer expect, we simply live.