Your Dream Life Requires Just One Very Important Thing
A commencement address to the Class of 2021.
[*taps mic*]
Alright. Every year at this time, some quasi-dignitary who meets some trendy definition of success stands at one of these here podiums and blows smoke up your ass for 45 minutes about how you’re the greatest generation and you’re going to change the world and when they look out into this sea of young, impressionable faces, they’re filled with hope.
And they’ll do so with gravitas. All the while — half of you drift in and out of sleep and the other half tap away in group chats coordinating party plans.
I’m not going to do all that; I’m going to get straight to the point. You have your whole life ahead of you to be bored stiff by stiff boards spitting unmemorable shit that would feel right at home in the “I’m A Live.Laugh.Love Mommy and This Is Deep” subreddit.
First, the Bad News
Congratulations on making it this far. You might think, “dude, I’m *circle one* [17 / 18 / 19 / 20 / 21 / 22 / 23], it’s not a big fucking deal.” Ordinarily, I’d agree with you … but you did not grow up in ordinary times.
You’ve only known the “post-9/11 world”, and besides TikTok and YouTube, there’s little to love about the 21st Century: two “wars” on “terror”, a speculation-driven financial meltdown, a chopped-and-screwed remix of the Jim Crow era, a four-year gas leak in the body politic spurred by an orange-hued serial grifter, some super Fourth Reich-y vibes on America’s borders, and a pandemic that’s left a number of dead exceeding the current population of Baltimore, Maryland.
Oh, and an armed meathead militia stormed the US Capitol. Bowie and Bozeman and Prince are dead; Tucker Carlson’s our Paper of Record. Apple, Google, Facebook, and Amazon have seized both your self-identity and the means of production to set up an extra-democratic shadow society unbound by truth, law, decency, common sense, or budgetary constraints.
Life expectancy keeps falling, gun deaths keep rising, and nearly all of us are left living demonstrably sicker, sadder, meaner, rougher, harder, dumber lives than we lived when you all were born. Welcome to the rest of your life; sorry we trashed the place. Had we known you’d be coming, we’d … oh, who am I kidding, we’d have done the same damn thing.
And Now, Some Better News
So yeah wow, that was pretty dark. But I didn’t come here to sugarcoat, and I damn sure didn’t come here to backload the bad news. No one chooses “good news” first. That’s like Beyonce opening for you.
We’ve done some damned good things this century. A Black man became President of the United States. A woman who’s both Black and South Asian is currently the Vice President. There’s greater inclusivity in the arts, less tolerance for male violence and harassment against women overall.
In our same country, you can now legally marry anyone, of any gender, you want. In a handful of states, you can even purchase weed legally and get high pretty much anywhere. We’re researching and legalizing psychedelic mushrooms.
We also took crystal clear photographs of Pluto, landed a spacecraft on a comet, and put two rovers on Mars. We’ve (mostly) killed off turn-of-the-millennium paparazzi culture. You can find ways to get and stay in touch with just about anyone you could ever dream of. You can buy a car out of a vending machine, without leaving your house. You can talk to celebrities and brands and they talk back to you. Kendrick Lamar won a Pulitzer; Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is serving a second term in the U.S. House.
Yes, it’s bad, but it’s not all bad. Good things can happen; good things do happen. You can do those good things; you can be those good people. And, thanks to our very online existence, it’s easier than ever to get “discovered” for who you are and what you can do. The gatekeepers still exist, unfortunately, but there are more workarounds than ever.
You just can’t do, or become, any of what you wish to do or become all alone or in a vacuum. So, if you take nothing else away from this, or if you just checked back into my thesis, well …
Here’s The Best Advice I Can Possibly Give You
The thing that separates you from the life you want is other people’s belief in you. It’s that simple.
Belief is the greatest gift you can receive. How do you receive it? By being visibly excellent in all that you do, clear in your character and your convictions, and unconditionally kind to everyone* — whether you think they can help you or not.
If you convey your talents, passions, and desires …
If you can do so with joy, respect, love, and compassion …
People will listen. Then they’ll believe.
If you ask for what you want; you’ll earn what you deserve. Speak the truth, do it with some style, and work on yourself over and over, without trampling over others. It’s hard enough to level up in life even when you dream, plan, work, and ask … but if you do none of the above, you’ve got no shot.
Yes, I turned a couple of talents and a commitment to radical acts of service and self-expression into a writing career that’s profitable, meaningful, and fulfilling. I’ve made outstanding friends on every continent, experienced the fullness of life and love, and seen more of the world than I’ve probably deserved to see. My words adorned the world’s largest airports and the halls of Congress. I bared my soul in spilling them and pieces of my life remain scattered wherever I’ve gone — whether in physical presence or spiritual essence.
Still, I wished I’d learned what I knew now when I was your age. I’m a late bloomer; I did jack shit with my life until I turned 30. I mostly drank till 4 a.m. and sorted spreadsheets for a living, while treating people with bitter contempt and reflexive resentment. You don’t have to wait that long.
One day I woke up and decided to attack the darkness that engulfed me, to fearlessly cultivate a true and clearly defined self. That war’s a lifelong battle but the worthiest I know.
I’m where I am because at some point I decided to give a damn without giving a fuck, because I remained committed to being right even when people told me I was wrong, and because through joy and curiosity, humility and kindness, I can make people smile and laugh and think and feel when I absolutely have to, or even just when I want to.
*until you find out they do not deserve your kindness
Treating People Well Opens Doors
People want to be around people they want to be around. If nothing else, be the person they want to be around. That’s the only trick in the book; the rest is noise.
Yes, mercurial sociopaths run our social hierarchy, but while they may have plenty of zeroes in their bank accounts and lengthy Wikipedia pages, they do not live lives full of hope, wonder, community, grace, dignity, class, delight, vigor, nor wisdom. You can.
Hype up your friends, be your cheerleader’s biggest cheerleader, and endear yourself to the masses by being unapologetically, unabashedly you.
Not everyone will adore you when you commit to radical self-expression, but the right people will … value those people. Invest in them. Embrace them. Do for them what they want to be done, with no favors asked for in return until you absolutely need to call one in.
Relationships, like life itself, are not a transaction. They are an investment. Invest generously, but choose your portfolio wisely. Always give people more than what they think they’re worth. Make and keep your promises. Always add value. Always bring snacks. This works because you’re not trying to make anything work.
Then, do these things over, and over, and over again. If you’re consistent and character-driven in who you support, those same people will support you back. Other people want desperately to believe in you (and in anyone, really); be someone worth believing in.
In Closing
Cultivate your own talents, live life with gusto, and treat people with compassion. Stay humble; stay curious; stay empathetic. Never stop learning. Make what you want to create. Experience all that you can.
I’m not here to tell you that you need to set goals, dream big, or work tirelessly. You can do those things if you want to, but the results of those are ultimately not where life pays off in the ways that you want.
Maybe life gets better for you; maybe it doesn’t. Maybe the world gets its collective ass in gear, but it probably won’t. Will you be rich? Famous? Powerful? Remembered? Will you have a fancy title or a Wikipedia page? I don’t know … the odds aren’t great, but those aren’t necessarily the games worth playing if you want to feel like your life means a damn or that you’ve leveled up as a human.
You’re paid for what you put in with laughter, longevity, a clear mind, an easy path, a captive audience, an array of attractive options, breathless moments, and miles traveled. You’ll know the dividends as you receive them because you’ll feel them not after some long, arduous slog through the wilderness, but at every tree and in every fellow traveler along the way.
Joy. Health. Peace. Purpose. Wisdom. Freedom. Community. These are what life is all about.
Satisfaction. Belonging. Redemption.
Some nice spicy noodles.
The view — not from the top, but when you look in the mirror.
Do you like what you see?
Do you recognize who you’ve become?
And people look back at you — in the mirror, or along the way — do they believe in what they see?
I do. Now … go out there and convince the others. That’s all you need to do to live the life you want to live.