Your Dead Bedroom is Breaking Your Heart…And Your Marriage

When you try to cope and you can’t

How many times have you tried? Going in for the powerful, all-consuming kiss, just to get a grandma peck in return with stiff arms by her side?

Your partner doesn’t feel passion for you in the slightest.

Drill it into your head:

She doesn’t want you. You aren’t enough. Stop doing this. Don’t reach out. What were you thinking? Don’t stand closer. Forget catching her eye. Stop trying.

Dead bedrooms hurt. That your spouse doesn’t notice increases the pain. It pummels you.

If I sit near my hubby, “What are you doing?” he demands. He scooches away. “What do you want?” with a hard emphasis on you.

“Want to hug?” I ask. “HELL, no. Get away from me.”

Is this something I can work with? I don’t think so. There’s no possibility of improvement. Intimacy isn’t a priority. It’s not even on the radar. My husband is too busy playing solitaire on his phone. The irony isn’t lost on me.

He’s rarely present — the virtual card game is more important.

“Are you coming to bed?” isn’t even asked any longer. You haven’t gone to bed together or woken up at the same time in years. I know. I’ve been there.

Should you take another shot?

“Be a man,” you think. “Just do it.” Life isn’t a Nike ad, unfortunately. When you work up the courage to approach and try for sex, you get shot down with, “This feels forced” or “Not now.”

Expectations are disappointments waiting to happen.

I’ve learned this the hard way. There should be a dating site for high libido people to match and one for low libido people to “Netflix and chill” with no chill part. Dating would be so much less frustrating for everyone involved if there was more transparency about sexual mismatches.

You ignored far too many red flags. Just “meh” chemistry right from the beginning. You thought:

It’s going to get better. When we move in together. When we get engaged. If she’s happier. When things are more settled. Maybe when the kids are older. If we have more time.

The disparaging comments, the endless excuses, the loss of interest, no matter what “it” was, it wasn’t enough. Why didn’t my hubby stand up for me in front of his family? Why didn’t he ever touch the small of my back at parties? Why didn’t he wait at crosswalks to walk with me? He never even looked back to see if I was safe across double-lane roads on busy New York streets. Why didn’t he hug me at the airport? All of these seemingly small gestures added up to cause more anguish.

Nothing helps, of course. The intimacy never arrives. It’s always like a mirage, just beyond reach.

Dead bedrooms break your heart and then your marriage.

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