Humor
Your Baby Is Ugly And No I Don’t Want To Hold It
Straight talk from a childless friend
Everyone acts like you’ve done something clever. It’s not exactly a mystery, you’ve just successfully completed the IKEA project that is BÄBI: insert Tab A into Slot B, then wait nine months. You don’t even need a little wrench.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy! As everyone has been told, parenthood is life’s greatest journey. It will change your perspective on everything and help you grow as a person. May you be blessed for life. Mazel tov!
Are we done yet? Because that’s all the upbeat material I’ve got. It’s nothing personal, I just don’t understand babies. I get that you had the urge to reproduce, but am not convinced it was the best decision.
This desire to make copies of oneself strikes me as, shall we say, a tad narcissistic? It’s like people who want to be president: some lunatic sees the job as leader of the free world and thinks, “Hey, that should be me!” You looked at parenting — another career that literally no one has ever done well — and thought the same thing.
Oh, you’re interested in my opinion of whether you’ll be the first to succeed at this undoable job? Well, well, look at the time. Let’s discuss this later. And we probably will, because God knows you’ll never talk about anything else for. the. rest. of. your. life. People with kids are boring in ways it’s hard to fully express.
* BREAKING NEWS: It walks! It talks! It poops! Just like every one before! *
I know that at some point you’re going to ask me if it looks like you, but you don’t need me to answer. Are you fat, bald, and scream until you turn purple? No? Then it doesn’t. Yes? Then it does. And I am so, so sorry.
Also, I hope you smell better. ’Cause, damn.
Speaking of looks, parenting and politics have another thing in common. You know those “before and after” photos of presidents? And that’s just being a head of state, you signed up for something that’s actually hard. In eight years your kid might or might not be cute, but you’ll be well on your way to Cryptkeeper.
Meanwhile, everyone acts like you’ve done something clever in this activity that’s been going on since forever. It’s not exactly a mystery, you’ve just successfully completed the IKEA project that is BÄBI: insert Tab A into Slot B, then wait nine months until the result pops back out through B with the ease of a camel through the eye of a needle. You don’t even need a little wrench.
Afterward, B will be tired all the time, in which case A will be left to its own devices. This is a tricky situation, as I hear BÄBI’s companion piece DIVØRCE is no fun to assemble.
And you’re definitely going to be tired. For nine months Mom was unable to drink in order to protect the mental development of the thing she was carrying, now she’ll be drinking heavily to protect her own because she’s given birth to a domestic terrorist. It is without morals, compassion, or empathy and will constantly demand to be catered to without extending the same privilege.
Looking toward the future, be prepared for it to blame you for all its problems, and to live in fear of the horrors you’ll find on its social media accounts.
Basically, you’ve made a tiny Republican.
Anyway, congratulations once again, you’ve done your bit for the continuation of the species. You’ve also ensured your genes will swim in the pool for at least one more generation.
Assuming you don’t hand the thing to me.
They say the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, so this little person is going to be playing catch up as it is. The last thing it needs is to be dropped on its head. I’ll just admire it from over here.