Your 20 Point Guide For Being An Amazing Romantic Partner
You attract what you project.
What are the makings of an amazing romantic and intimate partner? It’s not just about what you do, but who you work to become. It’s about small details, and also big gestures. It’s about feeling like home, but also an adventure. It’s about being fully present in the moment, and also looking to the future.
Let’s discuss 25 ways that you can be the best partner/spouse/husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever that you possibly can — because your partner deserves it, and so do you in return.
1: ONLY commit when you are fully ready.
Perhaps not what you’d expect as a starting point, but the foundation of being an amazing partner is actually being emotionally ready to fully show up for someone.
We all feel ready for different phases of life at different times, and need to give ourselves the time and space in order to grow into these phases at the pace that works for us as individuals.
You simply cannot show up as your best self for someone (or for yourself) if you don’t feel ready to commit to monogamy.
Get “it” out of your system first, whatever “it” is for you. For some, it’s travel, backpacking across Europe, freely exploring the dating pool, building a business…whatever it is, if something requires you to be completely unattached in order to fully experience it, do that FIRST.
Then, when you’re ready, open yourself up to love.
2: Forget what “men” or “women” want and focus on what YOUR PARTNER wants.
Everyone wants to know the secret to what “they” want. “What do men want?” “What do women want?”
We’re asking the wrong questions.
While, sure, there are consistencies and general ideas about what makes human beings happy — building a relationship with another person is all about learning their individual wants, needs, desires, and love languages.
This can only be done through open and honest communication that can be expressed without fear of judgment.
It’ll help you learn about your partner, read their signs (when they’re not talking), and understand how to best make them feel valued, special, and cherished.
Humans are unpredictable and nuanced, which makes us complex to figure out at times. The good news is, in monogamous relationship, you’ve only got one other person to figure out!
Besides yourself, of course.
3: Define your own wants and needs.
“But James, I know what I want!”
Great! A lot of people know what they want — oftentimes, though, they slip up when asked what they need.
What’s the difference, you ask?
Think of the “want” as the car, and the “need” as the destination.
The want is the vehicle to reach the need.
You want a car, sure — but why? What is the destination you’re trying to reach?
“I want my partner to stop spending so much time on their phone.”
Great — why?
“I need to feel more connected to and present with them.”
Boom. There it is. Now that we know the need, we can explore the ways we can have it reached. Maybe it’s a car, maybe it’s a truck, maybe it’s a motorcycle — the options become more varied when the destination is clear.
Take time before you get into a relationship to define these wants and needs for yourself. It’ll help you better communicate them to your partner, and to decide who (and what) is truly right for you in life and love.
4: Be consistent in your actions.
The consistency of your actions send a louder message than the intensity of them.
In other words, it’s better to do the small things and to show up for someone without fail, than it is to “love bomb” them by showing up BIG, but then fading away until you come back around to do it again.
This is paramount in any phase of a relationship, but particularly in the beginning when someone is trying to determine whether or not you’re serious about building a future with them.
Consistency is what builds trust. It shows that your words align with your actions.
“Hot and cold” should be a setting on your faucet, not your relationship.
5: Give the gift of your attention.
According to Reviews.org, Americans check their cell phones 344 times per day. (Source: https://www.reviews.org/mobile/cell-phone-addiction/)
That equates to about once every 4 minutes.
Insane, but not surprising.
You might even be reading this on your phone right now.
Let’s say you’re on a date that lasts for three hours.
That’s 180 minutes.
If you checked your phone the “average” rate during that time, you’d look at it forty-five times over the course of the date.
Now, of course, you’ll be fully present and won’t actually be doing that — but what about when your relationship has progressed and you’re on the couch together watching a movie?
Or together with friends, or at a family event, or watching the kids?
The point is, our attention is constantly divided in a million directions. We are always getting notifications. We are always distracted, stressed, or overstimulated. How could we not be?
It is perhaps the greatest gift, then, to give someone our undivided attention.
To put everything else aside for the time we’re with them and not just say but show that they are the most important person in our lives in that moment. To fully absorb their existence. To fully give them ours.
We all know how difficult that is to do in the modern age, which is precisely what makes it so valuable.
6: Put real effort into your compliments.
Everyone enjoys receiving compliments, but anyone can recite lazy and generic pre-packaged statements.
To make someone truly feel special, look beneath the surface and notice the things about them that nobody else takes the time to notice.
Honor their empathy, their patience, their kindness, their resilience, their strength.
Giving a compliment that will actually resonate with someone isn’t about telling them what you see with your eyes, it’s about telling them what you see with your heart.
7: Give space and freedom.
I recently had a private client ask me if it was okay that there were gaps in the conversation between himself and the woman he was about to be taking on a date.
“We’re both busy so we’re not talking all the time, is that okay?”
I believe that consistent and natural conversation between two people is a great sign that you are “clicking” and have chemistry worth exploring. When conversations flop or become boring, of course that is less than ideal — but that’s not the same as giving a relationship space to grow.
I believe that two people must maintain their own identity when entering into a relationship (more on this towards the end), and that means they both continue doing the things they love and enjoy — as long as it doesn’t make your partner uncomfortable.
Space and freedom allow both people to grow into the relationship in their own time. It doesn’t feel forced, or rushed, or pressured — three things that can squash a relationship before it even has a chance to form.
Nobody likes to feel suffocated in a relationship. Real and healthy love is secure enough to maintain mutual freedom without holding on too tightly.
8: Feel and EXPRESS gratitude.
This is all about what you can do to be an amazing partner, but we all know that effort in a relationship must be mutual. That is simply non-negotiable.
So, when your partner is matching your equal effort, how are you expressing your gratitude to them?
Expression of gratitude is the fuel that keeps the tank of kindness full.
No matter how caring or genuine someone is, if they begin to feel taken for granted in a relationship, they may likely pull back on their efforts or emotional investment, simply as an act of self-preservation.
They’re starting to think they might be giving too much, and could be at risk of getting hurt if they continue.
Expressing your gratitude to them is like wrapping them in an emotional blanket and letting them know you recognize and value their efforts. Sometimes that’s all someone really wants and needs.
9: Remember that teamwork makes the dream work.
I really do believe that the best and strongest relationships are a team.
They’re a team in the game of life.
They have mutual goals and aspirations.
They come together as teammates who have their own individual strengths and they each combine those strengths in order to create harmony.
Relationships are not about control, competition, or authority. It shouldn’t matter who is “better” at what, who makes more money, who is handier around the house, or who is more nurturing with the kids.
What matters is that you are both honest and truthful about the best way the two of you can join forces in order to create the life that you desire.
10: Fight fair.
“James, why should we fight at all?!”
Listen, nobody likes to fight. Nobody wants to argue. We all want a harmonious and peaceful relationship.
The reality of life, though, is that disagreements are inevitable. You both have different backgrounds, upbringings, life experiences…and combining those into one life together can come with its own challenges.
The real question, though, is how you handle those disagreements when they do arise.
Too many people turn against each other and make their partner the target. They bring up issues from the past, take jabs at insecurities (NEVER do this), or forget what the real problem at hand is.
Remember point #9: You’re a team.
When a team faces a challenge, they stand side by side against that challenge. The same goes for relationships.
It’s you and your partner against the problem — not you and your partner against each other.
11: Show consistent affection.
“James, they already know how I feel about them!”
Oh, do they?
It’s easy to let our minds wander at times if our partner seems to pull back on their levels of affection.
Do they still love us?
Do they still find us attractive?
Did we do something wrong?
Everyone expresses and receives affection in different ways — but regardless of the “how,” its presence is a welcome reassurance in any relationship, no matter how long you’ve been together.
12: Express concerns by using “I feel” phrases.
Great partners can communicate their concerns or challenges in ways that facilitate healthy discussion.
The opposite of this is being accusatory.
“You never hug me anymore!”
“I hate when you do XYZ!”
Immediately, your partner will go on the defensive and a tense conversation is inevitable.
On the other hand, imagine using phrases like this:
“I feel overlooked when you don’t hug me when you come home.”
“I feel unattractive when XYZ happens.”
There is a completely different tone that focuses on the impact this action is having on you, rather than the action itself.
Any good partner who cares about your feelings will listen and make the necessary adjustments because their primary goal is making you happy in the relationship. Or, at least, it should be.
13: Make sure your words and your actions align.
This is the very essence of integrity and should be one of the defining factors of any good partner — or human being in general.
Say what you mean, mean what you say.
At all times.
14: Speak with honesty infused with kindness.
We cannot love, trust, or respect a person who is dishonest with us.
Great partners tell each other the truth, but they don’t do it in a harsh or hurtful way.
They develop and understanding with each other and know what language can be harmful to the other. They respect each other’s feelings, and honesty is an expression of that respect.
“James, are you saying we should walk on eggshells when telling the truth?”
What I’m saying is, use tact and kindness when expressing a truth that may be uncomfortable, but necessary.
Remember the old saying: It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.
15: Under no circumstances should you EVER use their insecurities against them.
A relationship must be a safe haven for two people to be fully vulnerable and honest with each other.
This results in the sharing of information that we’d never tell anyone else.
This is when and how deep trust and connection is formed.
There should be absolutely no circumstance, at any time where that trust is betrayed, where those insecurities or private information is used against them.
That is a deep and unforgivable betrayal of the highest order.
16: Work to make their life easier.
Without them having to ask for it.
17: Keep the spark alive.
Romance shouldn’t fade after the “honeymoon phase” of the relationship. In fact, it should enhance over time as your partner becomes a larger and more important part of your life.
This includes the small romantic gestures, but also, of course, keeping the intimate spark alive.
Intimacy, yes, includes your sex life — but there’s so much more to it than that.
Keeping the intimate spark alive is mostly about what happens outside of the bedroom. The honest communication, the date nights, the holding hands, the cuddling on the couch, the quality time together, the meaningful compliments…
All of this makes someone feel valued for far more than what they can bring you physically.
18: Share in their interests as they share in yours.
It’s natural that you both have different interests in life and they may not overlap, but odds are that your partner wants to include you in the things they love, and also wants to be involved in the things you love, too.
Few things bring a bigger smile than watching a person you care about doing the things they enjoy, in their element, heart and soul set ablaze by the experience.
Important note here: Leave the sulking at home when partaking in your partner’s interests. The last thing you want to do is damper the experience by clearly looking like you don’t want to be there. If you’re going to go — be present and do it for them.
They should be doing the same for you in return.
19: Encourage them to be their FULL AND AUTHENTIC self.
Love…real love is about accepting and embracing someone as they come to you today.
Not wishing they were different.
Not dating their “potential.”
Not trying to “fix” them or “change” them.
Loving someone is about seeing someone’s true self, the good and the bad, the insecurities and the strengths, the wins and the losses — and pulling them even closer because of all that you see, not pushing them away.
When you give someone the freedom and permission to be who they truly are, to love them without judgment, to feel safe and secure opening up to you, that’s when they begin to flourish.
It’s when your love begins to flourish.
You both should feel fully safe being yourselves in the relationship. Mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually safe.
Everyone wants to be loved and accepted for who they really are without having to put on an act or a show.
20: Care for and love YOURSELF.
How you treat yourself is just as important as how you treat your partner.
Dare I say…it’s even more important.
When we practice self-care, we stay recharged, centered, focused, and present.
You cannot pour water out of an empty cup, and if you give yourself to others to the point where you’re completely spent, eventually there’ll be nothing left to give — and nobody wins in that scenario.
You must understand that self-care is not selfish, it’s necessary.
It’s necessary from a physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual standpoint.
If you are not healthy in any of these areas, the others will begin to suffer, as will the quality of your relationship.
Not just the relationship with your partner, though, but also the relationship with yourself.
You cannot be an amazing partner if you’re exhausted, unhealthy, irritable, or resentful.
Any good partner should support and encourage you caring for yourself and should step up to assist in any way they can.
You are the foundation that you build the rest of your life on. If that foundation isn’t strong enough to hold the weight, the entire thing could collapse.
When both of you are on a journey of self development, self improvement, and mutual growth — there is nothing that will be able to tear you down.
- My private clients find themselves living more confident, purposeful lives and cultivating healthier relationships with those around them. Click here to book a free call to see if we’re a fit to work together.
- James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.
- Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 39 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.
- James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.