Younger Men, Older Women, and the Big Ugly Truth

Why won’t men date older women?

I can answer the question in the subtitle with these simple, heavy, and overused words: the status quo. But as we all know, answers to questions that challenge the status quo are never that simple.

So let’s dive in.

(Just as a side note, Google is filled with the same question from the opposite direction: why won’t older women date younger men? Ha! We’ll have to answer that one in a later article though.)

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So why won’t men date older women?

Shame, validation, and a colossal fear of death through mauling.

Let’s face it, society has been telling men for hundreds of years that in order to be cool they need to make a lot of money and date hot young women.

What else are they supposed to do?

‘Money for nothing and chicks for free’, right?

Well, preferably. But if they need to work hard for money they will and if the chicks need to be paid, they will do that too. The important thing is to conform to society’s rules and regulations and get the validation without which their life would be meaningless.

I’m not trying to be sarcastic here (but I am so happy the word ‘chicks’ lost its cache). Society’s validation gets to us all and a lot of the things we choose have nothing to do with what we truly want, but with what society deems worthy.

It’s absolutely natural and it goes as far back as tribes. Not being accepted by the tribe (that would later on grow and grow and turn into a society) signified sure death.

You can either be one of them and have a seat around the fire, or you can be left out: in the cold, dark, and sure prey for wild animals who would maul and eat you.

That deep fear of mauling stayed with us and is manifesting in the modern world in extreme ways.

The huge house that you bought to impress the Joneses, but you don’t even use half of it, and possibly you can’t even afford to heat all the rooms (true personal story — during the winter I turned the heat off in one of my bedrooms, sigh…).

The shiny new car, the important job, the vacations on exotic islands — they all cost you an arm and a leg in both time and money, and the satisfaction you get back from driving in that car or lying on that beach is really not that great, are they?

And then, there’s the young hot arm candy that deep down annoys you the moment she opens her mouth, but wow, are the other men jealous when she touches your arm in that sexy slithery way that says ‘I know what you did last night and I want you to do it again’!

Some might argue that men choose younger women because of sexual attraction. I beg to differ: men, as well as women, are attracted to looks, but women of all ages can look absolutely stunning.

With the new advances in medicine and plastic surgery, and a better understanding of nutrition and fitness, plus an easier and more independent life, everybody is discovering a whole new life after 40, 50, and beyond.

Have you seen the latest 50-year-olds? They’re stunning! I’m looking at you, J-lo!

Creatures of habit and trend.

I remember when Pamela Anderson was a thing. All the men loved Pam and her type: the blonde bombshell with the big boobs. And to tell you the truth, how could they not? Pam is a fox and even I find her absolutely gorgeous (then and now). But we all have our preferences.

Sure, some might like blondes, other brunettes, how come everyone was into Pam Anderson? The thing is… they weren’t. They just said they were because what kind of man would not consider a blonde bombshell hot? That would make them straight-up gay, wouldn’t it? At a time when being gay was almost a crime.

You think I’m making this up? A guy told me those very words years ago. They turned out to be true. Not all men liked the big boobs and big blonde hair. But they all said they did.

If you ask women, their physical preferences are as different as night and day. Actually, most of the women I discussed this with find Brad Pitt utterly unappealing.

That’s ok, ladies, you can hand him over to me, I’ll take care of that problem for you.

The thing is, people are creatures of habit and trend. And from what I noticed, men more so than anyone else.

They (think they) like whatever’s trendy. If big boobs are in fashion, they all like big boobs. If it’s big asses, then everyone is out there saying how they like a woman with a big fat dump truck and how small asses are for suckers… I kid you not. Kim Kardashian would have raised nothing else but eyebrows 20 years ago with that massive behind.

The same goes for younger and older women.

If you think this is a matter of biology and fertility, and men choose younger women just because they’re more fertile, the massive amount of men who go after older ladies would beg to differ. Not everybody wants children, and not everybody wants more children once they have one.

Sure, everybody is somewhat driven by reproductory needs, but that’s like a knee-jerk reaction. People do want connection and love, and a lot of times the heart wants different things than what the body wants.

However, in later years there has been a lot of pushback from glorifying youth and a lot of support for older women to still have a fun and fulfilling life.

I foresee the trend of older men with younger women will take a few steps back in the next few years and you’ll notice a lot more of the opposite.

If it becomes trendy, men will follow it. And so will women, it’s not like they’re exempt from trends.

Patriarchy, lies, and the big ugly truth.

Despite common belief, many men do like older women. What older means fluctuates according to their own age. As an example, a man in his 20s can be attracted to a woman in her 30s, but not her 60s. The very next guy, however, will be attracted to a 60-year-old woman.

Of course, it all depends on the woman. But do you mean to tell me that men are not attracted to someone like modern relationships queen Esther Perel just because she’s 66? Come on.

This is from personal experience, but also from the experience of many of my clients, both male and female: younger men are interested in older women. Not happily interested though. Secretly interested.

Wishing they weren’t interested. Wishing they were just like the other men.

Pretty much like gay men used to feel not a long time ago. And there probably are a lot of them who still do, because we’re still not universally accepting homosexuality either.

Men wish they were like other men so they don’t face public humiliation, when in fact they have no idea what other men are like. Because nobody tells them. Certainly not other men, who are taught to be stoic, never show their feelings and never cry.

The big ugly truth is that men, as well as women, are not allowed to live their true lives.

They’re not allowed to feel what they feel and love who they love.

It’s not ok to be attracted to fat women, to old women, to bossy women, to women who smoke, to single mothers, to promiscuous, divorced, or rich women. Etc.

And who is not letting them? Their peers. Men are ruthlessly mocked for their choices, much more than women are. Whatever sign of humanity they show, men will bully their fellow men into the ground for stepping out of line.

Do most men prefer older women? No, of course not. Most people’s preferences are for other people around their own age because that’s the people they have most in common with and more chances to make a connection work.

But if we’re considering want, fascination, desire, interest, and pure attraction, there are a ton of younger men attracted to older women. And older women know this! Because they’re constantly bombarded with requests, DMs, and interest.

Do young men date older women though? Not so much. Not yet. But we’re getting there.

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