You Wouldn’t Say This to Expecting Parents, so Why Say It to the Childfree?
Imagine responding to pregnancy news with “you’ll regret that!”
The world is dripping in pronatalism.
Every which way I turn, people have babies on the brain. And it’s not enough to have one child, oh no, you must have at least two. As everyone knows the destiny of any only child is to be a sociopath. Fact check — actually only children score higher on intelligence and achievement, see p89 of The Baby Matrix by Laura Carroll.
If your two children are the same gender, then, of course, you must try for a third. After all, three is the 2002 baby bonus scheme Australian dream. “Have one for mum, one for dad, and one for your country”.
Are governments for real? We are in the midst of Climate Change. It is real and terrifying, we must take action now. We need to reduce our consumption.
The average American produces 20 metric tons of carbon dioxide emissions per year. This is particularly shocking when compared to the world average of 4 tons of carbon dioxide emissions per year.
The world population has doubled in the last fifty years. Let that sink in for a moment. Our world population trajectory is excessive. Our planet can not sustain our growth. We are close to 9 billion people on this little planet.
But you know, BaBiEs! Let’s keep having babies because the more children the better. Let’s put our fingers in our ears and accelerate ahead.
Despite this overpopulation, the pressure to bring more and more people into this world is as prevalent as ever. But of course, the capitalist world needs people to be their worker ants and buy more stuff. Governments need more people to pay more taxes.
Climate Change? What Climate Change? Nothing to see here. So carry on, have one for mum, one for dad, one for your country, one for your neighbor, one for your barista, one with, oops I mean for the window cleaner. You get it right?
It Is Natural to Not Want Children
Making babies is the most natural thing in the world. Well, for some people it is, yet for others, it isn’t. Yes, the majority of the world population are more than happy to adhere to the ways of the circle of life. I get it. It’s normal and natural to want children. But here’s the kicker. It’s also normal and natural to not want children.
An article in the New York Times reveals 1 in 4 people have chosen a childfree life due to climate change fears. But, you don’t need to forgo having children, if we simply have fewer children, it will make a huge difference to the climate.
A study from 2011 shows an incredible 45% of pregnancies in America alone were not planned! So, 2.8 million pregnancies were unintended. Of these, 27% went on to become wanted at a later stage whilst 18% remained “unwanted”.
Not everyone is cut out to be a parent. Not everyone wants to be a parent and guess what — shock horror — this is perfectly ok! Life can exist without children in a household.
The Point
And finally, I get to my point. Despite everything, we are socially conditioned to react to pregnancy news with marvel, excitement, joy, and celebration.
Because BaBiEs BrInG HoPe!
Do you know what brings me hope?
The idea, maybe one day, females across the globe will receive equal and fair access to reproductive rights. The idea, maybe one day, 100% of pregnancies will be planned and wanted. Meaning those who want children will have them and those struggling with fertility issues will conceive. But also, those who express their desire not to conceive will be listened to, respected, and treated as equal members of society.
Imagine Saying This To Pregnant People
I am childfree by choice. I have known my entire life I do not want children. I wish I could say I am sacrificing my lifelong dream, for the greater good of helping climate change. But alas, I simply don’t want children.
I have written multiple articles in relation to the stigma I experience living childfree by choice. My most popular article to date addresses “The 8 Most Annoying Things Parents Say To The Childfree”. My choices aren’t so unique, more and more people are choosing to be childfree as outlined in this Guardian article, and all for different reasons.
It seems many people don’t realize parenthood is a choice. It is just something we are supposed to do, so we acquiesce. Young girls are groomed into motherhood from a young age. They are given dollies and encouraged to nurture. The language used with them includes sentences such as “when you are a mother …” instead of “IF you choose to become a mother…”.
Parenthood is a choice.
What I am still trying to understand, is why so many people, across the globe, think it is perfectly ok to say patronizing, judgemental, cruel, and unnecessary comments to those who express their desire to not have children.
Yet the same comments, when said in response to a pregnancy announcement, would be recognized as rude at best, and literally cause jaws to drop and a Richter scale collective gasp sound across a room.
So, buckle up and read each comment through. Imagine hearing these words in response to a pregnancy announcement. Do you think they are appropriate? How do you think they make the recipient feel?
The level of inappropriateness does not change with the recipient.
Insensitive comments
- “You will regret that”.
- “You will change your mind”.
- “You are going to miss out on so much in life”
- “Why would anyone actually choose that life?”
- “What is the point of your life now?”
- “But you haven’t met the right person yet!”
- “You are selfish!”
- “You will never know true happiness.”
- “You aren’t a proper woman/man.”
- “Oh, you won’t ever experience real love now.”
- “I’m so sorry to hear this, what a shame.”
- “You should adopt!”
Aren’t these comments perverse!
It is abundantly clear how horrific they are when said in response to a pregnancy announcement. Completely inappropriate. And yet, many people feel it is perfectly acceptable to say these words when people express a desire not to have children.
These words aren’t said to the childfree with malice or ill-will. But there is a strong conviction childfree people are making a mistake. Maybe some people opting to live a childfree life are making a mistake, but it is their mistake to make. Likewise, maybe some people opting to have children are making a mistake.
So please, can we stop saying such ridiculous comments to the childfree. If someone tells you they don’t want children, this is the perfect opportunity to show support “great, you follow your own path, I wish you all the happiness”. This is not an invitation for anyone to give their own opinion and judgments to someone else’s life choices.
Please Accept Different Choices
We are all different. Some of us get our kicks from jumping out of a plane. Some of us feel most comfortable reading a book. We achieve happiness and fulfillment in a myriad of ways. For many people this is through raising children and for a growing number of people this is through not raising children.
Those of us who have the choice are lucky. The choice to have children or forgo children is a privilege.
We must abolish the simple and archaic attitude of pregnancy and raising children = good, whilst choosing not to have children = bad.
Ultimately, if someone is living life to the beat of their own drum, whether this involves children or not, is a cause for celebration.
So let’s meet others’ choices with love, acceptance, and less judgment.
Thanks for reading Ali Hall
Living childfree by choice can be isolating and lonely. Read more articles on the childfree choice and know you are not alone.
