You Won’t Have A Quality Life If Your Relationships Are Crap
The good news is, it’s not that complicated.
As I get older, I realize that relationships are everything. Literally everything.
The relationship with your partner.
The relationship with your family.
The relationships you have with friends, acquaintances, and coworkers.
And last but not least, the relationship with yourself.
Your relationships lay the foundation for every single thing you do in your life.
“I am convinced that material things can contribute a lot to making one’s life pleasant, but, basically, if you do not have very good friends and relatives who matter to you, life will be really empty and sad and material things cease to be important.” — David Rockefeller
It’s easy to get caught up in the busyness of life, but if your relationships are crap, so will be your life.
Your relationships run continuously in the background of everything you do, every single day. If you just had a terrible squabble with your partner or your best friend, it’s going to impact the rest of the day, maybe even longer.
No matter how well you can compartmentalize.
Why is that?
Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW, explains that it’s because our feelings and emotions contain energy that want to push up for expression while our body and mind use creative tactics to tamp them down.
This would be things like a muscular contraction, holding your breath, or even anxiety and depression.
When the mind tries to block the emotions that you’re feeling, it will put stress on your body as well, and the combination leads to physical ills such as headaches, insomnia, or intestinal problems.
Is it any wonder you’d do everything in your power to avoid interacting with someone with whom you’ve had some bad blood? You’re trying to protect yourself.
But avoiding a bad relationship is much more toxic to you physically and emotionally than trying to work through it once and for all. This doesn’t mean you need to have an interaction with your foe, it just means getting right about things with yourself.
Take steps to heal the way the relationship impacts you. This starts with asking yourself questions like:
Do I have anything to apologize for?
That can sometimes be all it takes. If the answer is yes, then just do it. If it’s no, then it’s time to move on.
Does carrying around this animosity help me in any way?
Probably not.
What would happen if I just choose to accept things as they are and move forward with the kind of relationship I want to have?
If they accept it, fine. If not, that has to be fine too. The quality of your life matters, so make it better anywhere you can.
Having good relationships involves behaving in ways to demonstrate your commitment but the real heart of the matter lies in improving your communication style.
Here are some subtle tweaks you can make in your interactions that can make a big difference and improve any relationship in your life.
It’s how you say it-This means watch your tone. Do you hear yourself? Are you speaking in a tone you’d never use with someone you’re meeting for the first time? Don’t save your engaging and kind communication style for strangers. Give that to the people you care for and love the most. You’ll see immediate benefits.
Find the positive twist-Many times, things are frustrating and your knee-jerk reaction is to bite someone's head off. But can you pause and find the good or positive in the situation?
If you don’t like the way your partner obsessively cleans the garage when you’re working on a project, instead of complaining or holding in your frustration, find the good. Realize that she may be trying to help or do something nice for you. Approach the situation from a positive angle, appreciate what she’s trying to do, but communicate how it can be a little disruptive.
People we love generally want to do things right and make us happy, but they may have a misguided idea of what that looks like. It doesn’t hurt to speak up while still being grateful.
Don’t expect anyone to be a psychic-You may be guilty of thinking that others can read your mind and know what you need. I’m not even sure that psychics can do that. If you need something, ask for it or talk about it.
If you would like some help and expect your coworker to just pick up on that, you’re likely gonna be waiting a while. Just ask for what you need in a polite way. People are generally happy to help, they just can’t read your mind.
Be grateful-Would it kill you to say “thank you” or “I appreciate that so much”? The people you are the closest to tend to be the ones you don’t want to waste your good manners or etiquette on as if they are a limited resource.
This can be a source of frustration to them. If people in your life see you being nice and polite to others while being a tyrant to them, that can chip away at the bond of the relationship. Be your best for those you love.
Actively listen and participate in the conversation-Eliminate distractions and be a good listener. This is more important now than ever and is a factor in almost every single relationship in your life, from your kids to your partner, coworker, boss, or friend. Everyone is busy, but you’re not so busy that you can’t flip your phone over or put it aside altogether. Show some respect to the conversation and be in the moment.
Let me say that again. Be in the moment. No text or notification is that important that it should negatively impact or diminish the importance of the conversation at hand. It’s disrespectful.
Own your feelings-If you feel a certain way, be very clear and communicate that. You may think that it will be harsh or too blunt, but in the long run, it’s the right thing to do and it can be a real time-saver for everyone. If your partner keeps bringing up a little argument you had because she thinks it’s funny but it actually really bothers you, then you need to say so.
Rather than let things boil inside and create a story about how she doesn’t respect you, just speak up.
Most of the time, others have no idea how much something bothers you unless you’re clearly telling them.
Reinforce and give feedback-When something is good or you're grateful for a particular action or statement, be kind and show some appreciation. Talk about how much it meant or helped you. This is highly underrated and is another one of those things we save for strangers but keep locked away when it comes to the people we care about.
Positive reinforcement and small shows of appreciation help inspire more of the same behavior. Recognize the routine things and it will help those you love to feel valued. Don’t hold back.
Be respectful in conversation (even if that means stepping away)-Be a respectful communicator. Don’t interrupt, shout, use a dismissive tone or body language, or lose your cool. If you feel that something is about to boil over, it’s okay to allow yourself a little bit of a time-out to get your breath.
Again, you wouldn’t likely snap on your boss or coworker or someone you just met, so demonstrate that same level of control and consideration with those in your life you’re closest with. That’s where the stakes are truly the highest.
“A real conversation always contains an invitation. You are inviting another person to reveal herself or himself to you, to tell you who they are or what they want.” — David Whyte
It’s nothing new that being a good communicator is a key tenet of solid relationships, but it’s often overlooked or overcomplicated. Remember that people's needs are very simple when you get right down to them.
People want to be respected, heard, paid attention to, appreciated, and loved. It’s very simple, just not always easy in our busy, chaotic world.
“I learned that a long walk and calm conversation are an incredible combination if you want to build a bridge.” — Seth Godin
Take stock of the valued relationships in your life and commit to applying these simple tips to improving your communication style and paying attention to the small stuff.
It’s not that complicated, and it will improve the quality of your life.
🎉 P.S. For a fun take on Midlife, check out🔥 🎧 The Badass Midlife Podcast 🎧 🔥
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