You Won’t Find This Story on Google
Here’s why
Charlotte Simons, fifteen years old, spotted the snake in the playground of Morningside High School in Brisbane during morning “little lunch” on Tuesday, 8 March 2011. Instead of screaming and running away from the venomous red-bellied black snake, she bent down and pointed her iPhone at it.
Not to take a photo; she was attempting to hold a conversation with it.
The snake came closer and looked at her.
“I won’t hurt you,” she said into her phone, and a series of hisses emerged. The snake stopped, flicked its forked tongue out, and hissed back.
Charlotte, more usually called Charlie by her school friends, looked at her phone, puzzled. She held it out to the snake again, thrusting it at its head, and that’s when it struck her.
Then, she screamed. Both the snake and Charlotte ran away, leaving her iPhone on the ground. The screen showed a picture of a microphone and a snake, and the title, “Google Translate: Parselmouth to English”.
A reptile disfunction
The app didn’t appear to have functioned correctly, but luckily the teachers at Morningside High had been programmed to a higher standard. They administered first aid, rushed Charlie to hospital, and she made a complete recovery, apart from a badly swollen hand which turned purple before returning to normal a week later.
But there were some harsh words directed at Google, who pulled the Harry Potter-inspired Parselmouth function from their app, along with Klingon, Elvish and several other fictional languages, when it emerged that Ms. Simons was one of dozens around the world who had attempted to use the app to communicate with snakes. Not just children; 52-year-old Ernie Hill from Teddington in England had to be escorted from the Reptile House at London Zoo, after “causing a disturbance”.
Strangely — or perhaps understandably — Google seems to have removed all mention of these incidents from their search function, but if you dig around on some old Harry Potter chat sites, all the details are available.
Otherwise, a handy tool for travellers
Personally, I love Google Translate. I can just point my phone camera at a sign in a foreign country, and the translation pops up right there in real time. It can scan printed text, translate speech, or simply type in a word or phrase.
One handy function is decoding menus. What is Kadal goreng tumis in Bali? Just wave the app over the menu and move on.
Personally, I find it a godsend. Not quite the mythical Babelfish from Hitch-hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, but it has saved my bacon any number of times.
For myself, I could use some modules not yet developed: Ancient Greek and Sanskrit would be really good, but best of all would be “Platform Train Announcement Garble” when the loudspeakers at Flinders Street Station announce some important change in a piercing burble.
Britni
More thoughts on oddball British fiction:
