You Will Never Fit in — and That’s Your Biggest Strength
Being unique is nothing to be ashamed of
Do you sometimes feel like the last one of your species?
Do you feel like no one understands you?
Don’t worry.
Not fitting in might be your secret power.
Here’s to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes… the ones who see things differently — they’re not fond of rules… You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can’t do is ignore them because they change things… they push the human race forward, and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do.
— Steve Jobs
My story
As a child, I was overweight. Not a lot but enough for other children to make fun of me. I was shy and only had two close friends. We used to play video games, which back then didn’t contribute too much to our popularity.
It wasn’t until I went through a growth spurt and started playing soccer, that I lost weight and gained a ton of confidence. Within about a year, I started being one of the popular kids.
When I changed school, I used the opportunity to erase my former self thoroughly. For the next six years, all I did was making sure to be one of the cool kids.
I finally fitted in, and I felt great.
I didn’t care at all, that a lot of my newfound popularity was due to my changed looks and my soccer skills, not because I suddenly was a new person.
Finding myself
I played soccer, girls liked me, and I did everything to be the leader of the pack. I started smoking, started drinking, and went out partying a lot. Eventually, my soccer performance and my performance at school started to suffer.
When I chose chemist as a profession, it was the decision in a long time that wasn’t popular. I did get many comments like, oh, you’re not a typical chemist. Why are you into chemistry?
Two years into my apprenticeship, I struggled a lot. All the partying and never doing any homework left me with the back against the wall.
It was the first time I realized that I had to up my inner game as well. I started learning more, which made me a bit less cool, but I still went out a lot and gave my best to fit in.
However, when I went on to study chemistry, I had to make a decision I could no longer keep on living like that.
First I quitted soccer because I had to move to a new city. I started going to the gym, which back then in Switzerland wasn’t popular at all. I stopped partying, which was one of the hardest decisions ever.
My friends didn’t agree with me at all; they wanted me to come to the clubs and called me names for staying home. This was the first time I realized what friends I had. I fell in love with going to the gym and being a bodybuilder, so I quit smoking and drinking, which widened the gap between me and my friends further.
Becoming popular
Fast forward several years I’m still not the typical popular guy.
I love sports, I don’t smoke, I drink minimally, I never go out partying but still people like me. People like to be around me, and people even look up to me.
How can this be?
Over time I found out that to be a leader, not fitting in can be a good thing.
Did Michael Jordan fit in when he never drank?
Did Cristiano Ronaldo fit in when he just played soccer and didn’t want to do anything else?
If you want to achieve great things, you can’t be afraid of other people’s opinions.
People will talk behind your back, and they will try to pull you down because if you do something special, something truly unique, they start to feel bad about themselves. And because it’s much easier to tear someone down instead of pulling themselves up, they will always try to bring you back down two their level.
Why not fitting in is a good thing for you
Not fitting in can be a good thing.
Someone has to be the one that sees things the crowd misses.
If Elon Musk just wanted to fit in with his billionaire friends, he would spend his days on a yacht playing golf and maybe do some philanthropy. But Elon chose to conquer the world’s most pressing problems. And in doing so, he became an Idol to many.
It’s all about finding out what makes you unique, and to start loving those sides of you.
If you always try to fit in, you will have to suppress certain parts of you, instead of letting them flourish.
Yes, it takes courage to stand alone sometimes, but it will make you strong, and you will learn things you would never learn in the safety and comfort of the herd.
Finding your tribe
You won’t be alone very long anyway. People with strong values and clear goals attract like-minded folks.
Instead of being with the wrong friends, you will be able to form your tribe with whom you have shared values and a clear goal.
This doesn’t mean your friends shouldn’t challenge you. The opposite is exact. Good friends challenge themselves all the time; they demand the best of each other instead of holding each other down.
They make sure everybody rises.
This does take confidence because as soon as you recognize somebody’s on the way up, your initial reaction will be to feel bad about your situation.
Don’t let this happen.
Instead, let others inspire you and let them help you. Push them and let them you.
Grow stronger together.
Learning what makes you happy
There’s a Japanese philosophy called ikigai.
Ikigai describes a state where you love what you do, people like what you do, and you serve a higher purpose with your work.
Your goal shouldn’t be to look cool; it should instead be to find meaning in your life and do something you’re passionate about.
You are the only one who can define success for yourself. Maybe your peers define success wholly different, and that’s OK, but don’t let them force their ideal of success on you.
Stop living other people’s dreams and stop letting them distract you from where you want to go.
Distraction often comes in the form of pleasure.
Drinking a beer here going for a snack there, spending a little more time on the couch.
This can be fine for one evening, but if you start living like that every day, you won’t be able to fulfill your true potential. And if you live like that too long something inside, you will die.
At the root of many depressions sits a lack of purpose.
People who want to fit in, people who want to please their spouse and stop working for their dreams.
Don’t start living a small life instead.
It takes courage to be the one who does something unique. It takes courage to not watch Tv with your significant other. It takes courage to stay home while your friends go out and party.
I don’t say you should never relax, but if you start prioritizing distractions over your goals, you will become a loser. I’ve seen it so many times, in the beginning, hard choices will lead to friction, people will question you, and you will question yourself. But over time you will start seeing results, your motivation will skyrocket and what felt hard at the beginning feels excellent now.
People who doubt you, in the beginning, will be inspired by you and will ask you for your advice. They will ask you how you did, it even though it was in front of their eyes.
Don’t play them; help them guide them.
Meet amazing people
Many great people fall outside society’s norm. They’re maybe a little bit weird. But that’s only because they operate in an entirely different mode.
A mode you don’t yet understand.
But if you have the chance to meet someone that inspires you, even though she’s a weirdo, don’t hesitate. Ask the person what she does how she does it and how you can do and become the same.
How to blend in but not fit in
I think I could call this a specialty of mine.
I can blend in very well, even though I don’t fit it at all.
It doesn’t make sense to be a rebel all the time.
Sometimes you must initialize change from within. No matter if it’s your family, your peers at work, or your spouse, you want to influence.
You can only influence them if they respect you.
Over time they will realize you are different, but because you gave them the chance to meet you on their level, they will be open for your suggestions.
When I started working at the firm I currently work, I never told somebody about bodybuilding. I didn’t lecture them about nutrition or training at all.
I spoke about the same things they did, and I showed interest.
They saw that my biceps were a lot bigger than theirs; they saw that I was lean and healthy.
It made them uncomfortable.
They tried to make fun of me, because I ate rice crackers or because I took an apple instead of pastry.
However, they respected me because they saw my determination. Over time they started asking me more and more. Today I’m the go-to guy if somebody has an injury or questions about nutrition or health.
I didn’t force it upon them, it grew organically, and this is why their trust in me is strong.
Don’t try to force others to understand you. Instead, have courage, stand your ground, be yourself, and don’t be afraid not to fit in.
Paradoxically this is precisely what will make you a leader, build your tribe, and will make sure you won’t ever be alone again.
The Takeaway
It sometimes feels hard to be an outsider. But it might be what you need.
Just like a butterfly who goes through different phases until he finally spreads his wings.
Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out? ― Ian Wallace
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