You Will Never Be One of Them
What “integration” really means when you’re an ex-pat
It’s easy to spot the different stages of ex-pat-ism. There are the ‘just landed’ ex-pats who are thrilled to be living in a new place. The ‘first-year’ ex-pats that are optimistic but frustrated by how long it takes to set up simple things they took for granted before. There are ex-pats that are pretty settled and in cruising mode. And then, you have the jaded ex-pats. These cannot wait to go back home. They complain 90% of the time. They are over it.
I, an American living in Norway, was meeting with two new ex-pat friends over coffee. One was a ‘first-year’ ex-pat, and the other had lived in Norway for six years. She fell into the ‘jaded’ category.
“It’s just never enough,” she grumbled, squeezing her coffee cup and letting out an exasperated sigh. “ I will never be one of them.”
The ‘first-year’ ex-pat and I gave a few suggestions, but she shot them all down.
“It doesn’t matter what I do, how well I speak Norwegian, or how good I am at skiing. It won’t matter what you two do, either. It only matters if you’re born here.”
This is not a uniquely Norwegian problem. It’s a sentiment I’ve heard while living in Belgium, France, Spain, and Peru. At first, ex-pats are optimistic they can do enough to integrate, but they eventually become disillusioned and then give up. Some people stay and grudgingly accept not fitting in. Others, like the ‘jaded’ woman, move back to the states.
After living in eight countries outside of my native U.S., I’ve seen this cycle play out again and again. People move abroad dreaming of becoming as exotic as their fantasies, only to be slapped with the truth that their American shadow just won’t budge.
What is a realistic expectation for integration into a new country?
What can ex-pats really expect?
“You can take the girl out of Amurica, but you can’t take Amurica out of the girl.”
This quote is a joke between me and my Norwegian husband. He usually says it after I make a cultural assumption that clashes with his own. Even though I’ve lived most of my adult life outside of the U.S., certain aspects of American culture still break through. Especially when it comes to competition, political expectations, pop culture, and trust in society. Regardless of how long you live in another country, the culture you had growing up is the one that sticks the most.
It might be frustrating to not have the same reference points as your significant other or close friends. But it’s not something you should try to replace. Ex-pats shouldn’t ever expect to have exactly the same culture as their host country. The longer you live in a place, the more common points will be created. But, it will never erase the fact that you know who won the 10th season of Survivor and expect to open presents on Christmas morning, not Christmas eve. Don’t fight your differences. Expect to add to your own culture, not melt into an existing one.
Language is both the key and the keeper
When it comes to integration, there is no doubt that language is one of the keys. But it’s a double-edged sword. You won’t get very far without a solid grasp of the language spoken in your host country. But your accent and word choice will immediately signal to natives that you’re not one.
A common misconception among people that haven’t tried to learn a language is that fluency means you sound like a native speaker. It doesn’t, and you won’t. Unless you started learning as a child, you will have an accent.
The good news is that most people will find it cute. The bad news is that you probably don’t want to be cute. You want to be taken seriously.
It is possible to get up to a language level where you command respect, but anyone considering the ex-pat life should understand that even if you look the part of a native, your tongue will quickly give you away. This is true if you’ve lived in a country for 5 years, or for 20. Expect to learn the language. But also expect to have people ask you where you’re from as soon as you finish your first sentence.
Integration can be quite a buzzword. For some, it means total inclusion in a society. For others, it means becoming conversationally fluent in the language and securing a job.
But, existing in a city is not the same thing as feeling a part of a community. Feeling like they belong is a struggle for a lot of ex-pats. Some people yearn to adopt the national identity of their new country, but it doesn’t need to come at the expense of their own traditions and memories.
As an American living in Norway, I know that I will never really be Norwegian. My language skills will always be encased in an American accent. I will never be able to rattle off the top athletes in the sport of biathlon. But I’m fine with that.
Integration, for me, is not about morphing into a Norwegian version of myself. But, instead, about connecting to the community where I live and expanding both cultures in positive ways.
I don’t have to become ‘one of them.’
I just have to become myself.
