You Want to Talk Masturbation?

We’re getting jerked off by the “Master.”

Sex is one of the hottest topics on Medium. If you write the most prurient piece imaginable, filled with juicy, descriptive language, you can bet your ass you’ll be curated.

There. That’s my Medium “how to.” You’re welcome.

Due to recent events so surreal that people with any rational brain cells left can barely wrap their minds around them, I thought I’d talk about sex, too. But in a different context.

Remember the “olden days” when kids were cautioned against masturbating because it would make them go blind? Naturally, some of you have no idea what the hell I’m referencing but trust me, it was a thing.

If blindness was a result of masturbation then the orange prick who illegally took up residence in the White House would have lost his sight years ago.

The man is a master manipulator. He takes the concept of “loving one’s self” to an astonishing new level. Every time he speaks, he jerks himself off with his self grandiose manner and stunning lack of humility. And, he jerks us off as well.

His supporters love it. They moan and groan and drip sweat under their MAGA hats every time Trump opens his lying mouth.

They get hard thinking of their guns tucked away on closet shelves locked and loaded in the event a person of color — someone who isn’t WHITE — makes a disparaging remark, or God forbid, tries to defend himself against the racist tsunami of hate that Trump continues to fuel. Or worse yet, wants to worship the God of his or her choice.

After Trump’s recent (and unfathomable) exoneration from impeachment and subsequent “state of the union” spew, every seat on the Republican side had to be damp. The jerking off was that good. Here are just a few of the highlights. (By the way, his hair and makeup people outdid themselves. He wasn’t just orange, he was orange-on-fire.)

Dick Stroke #1:

Trump refuses to shake Nancy Pelosi’s hand. The inbred, dim-witted supporters are wetting themselves, as are the Republicans in the Senate, many of whom appear to have been stuffed by a taxidermist.

Oooh. Aaah.

Dick Stroke #2:

Trump declares that “America’s future is blazing bright.” As in “brush fires?” Global warming? What? (We are fucked. That’s what.)

Yeah, baby. Keep it up. If you can.

Dick Stroke #3:

Trump says that his administration has “always protected people with pre-existing medical conditions.”

Now, this is odd, considering he and his lemmings are seeking to repeal Obamacare almost in its entirety. If this criminal has his way, people with pre-existing conditions who are currently protected under the Affordable Care Act will lose that protection. That’s one huge jerk-off.

Pump that thing!

Dick Stroke #4:

Trump says “Jobs are booming. Incomes are soaring. Poverty is plummeting. Crime is falling. Confidence is surging. And our country is thriving and highly respected again.”

HUH? Where is all this wonderfulness happening? I’ve been out of work for two years. I have more experience than almost any writer I’ve worked with in my industry and I can’t find a friggin’ gig to save my life. And there are plenty of other people in the same spot. Just check out all the “self-employed” writers on LinkedIn.

Crime is falling? Has he watched the news? Do random shootings all over this country not count as crimes?

And, as far as our being “respected,” that’s a huge jerk-off right there because we’re a global laughing stock thanks to this ass clown.

PAUSE HERE WHILE TRUMP CRACKS HIS KNUCKLES. YOU GOTTA BE LIMBER TO JERK OFF LIKE THIS.

Dick Stroke #5:

Trump says that under his administration, seven million Americans have come off food stamps.

What he “forgot” to add is that people are being kicked off the program because his administration tightened up the rules.

That’s right, Trump. Up and down. Up and down. Keep that rhythm going.

Dick Stroke #6:

Trump says that this is a “blue-collar boom.”

Uh…no. This is a new campaign line full of sound and fury and signifying nothing.

Keep going. Don’t stop. Think about Melania. No! Stormy…?

Dick Stroke #7:

Trump blathered on about a “groundbreaking new agreement with China that will defend our workers, protect our intellectual property, bring billions and billions of dollars into our treasury, and open vast new markets for products made and grown right here in the U.S.A.”

In reality, this agreement, known as “Phase One,” has not addressed our country’s most critical concerns, which include Beijing’s heavy government subsidies of its industries along with policies that discriminate against foreign companies and appropriate their technologies and trade secrets.

Feels good, doesn’t it? Up and down and around. Stroke it ’til you drop it.

Dick Stroke #8:

Trump cares. He really, really cares about you and me. That’s why his administration has invested a “record-breaking, $2.2 trillion in the U.S. military.” What a mensch!

Despite the hefty defense budget increases, military spending is about to plateau. Oops.

Getting close? Sure you are. You’re the jerkoff-in chief, after all.

Dick Stroke #9:

Trump cares about trees, too! He said that to protect the environment, said, the nation would join the “One Trillion Trees Initiative,” a public-private initiative to plant trees around the world.

Gee. That must be why the administration proposed weakening federal protections for the Tongass National Forest in Alaska, paving roads to allow more logging there. I guess Alaskan trees aren’t on his radar.

There you go. You’re almost there. Wait…you don’t want to hasten the payoff. Not when slow and steady wins the race. Up and down…

Dick Stroke #10:

Trump reiterated that he ordered the killing of Iranian Maj. Gen. Qassem Suleimani on Jan. 3 because Suleimani “was actively planning new attacks.”

According to U.S. officials, there still isn’t any evidence to back that up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah! You can do it, don’t stop. Wait…what happened? What do you mean you “lost it?”

After all that, the money shot goes to Nancy Pelosi for tearing up that bastard’s speech.

How’s that, Medium? Sexy enough for you?

Sherry McGuinn is a slightly-twisted, longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. Her work has appeared in The Chicago Tribune, Chicago Sun-Times, and numerous other publications. Sherry’s manager is currently pitching her newest screenplay, a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story.

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