You Want to Know Why Women Are So Angry? Here’s Your Cheat Sheet.

Hint: The level of obliviousness it takes to ask such a question is pretty staggering…

“I’m tired of the fighting. I’m tired of the war. I’m tired of the anger. What are we supposed to do with it all?”

It’s a common refrain I hear from men in my comment sections across all platforms. From what I can tell, they are absolutely exhausted by the women online who are talking about equality. They are exhausted by their stories. Exhausted by their anger.

Why can’t we women just shut up, move on, and stop making everyone’s lives miserable?

So for all the men out there who feel this way, who ask these questions, I’ll give you my honest answers. But be prepared. I am, as many of you know, one of those angry women. I’m not going to mince words. If you don’t actually want to hear what I have to say, if you aren’t prepared to hear me speak on this matter with vehemence and passion, the way a man might speak of issues pertaining to men, then please spare us both the trouble and scroll on.

For the rest of you, let’s get into it.

Why are women so angry right now?

I could make this super easy and suggest that the sheer number of men who ask us that question on a daily basis is exactly why we are so angry right now.

Men should understand why we are angry. I could start with the gender wage gap, the imbalance in domestic labor, and the constant misogyny women have to face in every space they enter each day. Then there’s the rise in violence against women and abortion bans and everything else coming our way…

And on top of all that, we’re surrounded by men who ask us questions like “Why are you all so mad?” A question like that implies that patriarchy, sexism, misogyny, racism, transphobia, homophobia, ableism, etc., don’t exist. It’s a question that only the most privileged can ask — and a question no one who claims to care should ever ask because it implies that either they aren’t paying attention, or they don’t actually care.

Further, asking this question implies that our response to what’s happening in the world and in our lives is unreasonable and irrational. In actuality, anger is the only reasonable, logical response to the systemic injustices of the world. Of course we are angry!

Why is your anger all over the internet?

First of all, you should be angry, too. Let’s get that straight right off the bat. When people are needlessly suffering, other people should care enough to be angry about it — and ideally, do something about it.

You should understand that our anger is a very real and rational response, as I mentioned, to the injustices we face.

As anyone who is even slightly awake can see, women have not been historically allowed to express anger. And in fact, we are constantly shamed and discouraged from expressing it today. Having space in which to express our anger is a critical part of the healing process.

Conversely, men have always been free to express their anger, and even their rage. And not only has anger not been discouraged or shamed, but it’s been actively cultivated and encouraged in a patriarchal culture in which we equate male anger with power. (If you want to see anger all over the internet, check out the way men spread raging violence all over women’s comment sections…)

Women deserve to have access to their anger — and we deserve to express it with as much freedom as men do. So unless you want to go around complaining about every instance of male anger you encounter, you should probably think twice before expressing your frustration about female anger and its first collective expression in thousands of years.

Why are you speaking in generalizations? It’s not all men.

When women are talking about the patriarchy and BIPOC are talking about white supremacy, we are talking about systems and institutions of power.

It is impossible not to use some level of generalization when talking about these systems and institutions…because they are systems and institutions. It is impossible not to use some level of generalization because everyone is affected by those systems and institutions.

Expecting women to speak about the patriarchy with an exacting level of specificity is a tactic many men use (sometimes unconsciously) to disempower women. Pretending that most men aren’t participating in the patriarchy or that women haven’t been largely and systemically hurt by men in a patriarchy is one of those “quiet” acts of violence. It once again paints women as unreasonable for being so angry about something that is just a “small problem” unlikely to affect the majority of them, when in reality, patriarchal oppression, like white supremacy, permeates every corner of our world and hurts everyone.

Logic suggests that if most men didn’t buy into misogyny and sexism, then we wouldn’t be having these problems.

Further, the expectation that women should pay extra close attention to their words and try to attach exact figures onto the statements they make about patriarchal oppression is a totally unreasonable demand to make. Not only is it not possible to be exact enough to meet others’ standards about generalizations, but this isn’t even a fair trade. If men want exact figures in all discussions about patriarchal oppression, then they need to collect that data and bring it to the table. It is not women’s responsibility to do that.

Why is it okay for women to be misandrists, but men can’t be misogynists?

Misandry cannot truly exist in an oppressive patriarchy. That’s like saying Black people who hate white people are demonstrating “reverse racism.” Both are part of the mythology of our dominance hierarchy.

The behavior that men identify as misandry — a suspicion of all men, anger at men, contempt toward men — are, in the context of an abusively misogynistic culture, totally normal psychological and emotional responses to systemic abuse and oppression. These are appropriate responses that a healthy nervous system encourages in order to keep us safe in a world that is not safe for us.

These same behaviors might indeed be examples of misandry — if we lived in an oppressive matriarchy that systemically disenfranchised, abused, and endangered men. But that’s not what’s happening here.

Suggesting that women’s normal reactions to living in a world that has been so violent to them is evidence of misandry is just another tool of the patriarchy. This narrative turns women into the villains and once again, erases their experiences and truth.

I’m so tired of this war between the sexes. Both men and women can be bad people. Why can’t we just be friends?

Once again, this perspective conveniently ignores the existence of the patriarchy. This isn’t about “just being friends.”

As I mentioned, if the majority of men wanted to “just be friends” with women, they would speak up for us at work instead of over us, they would graciously wish a woman well after a date that didn’t end with sex instead of making it clear that he’s disappointed or upset, they would consider domestic labor as much their own responsibility as their partner’s, and they’d be making one hell of a ruckus over these abortion bans.

But that’s not what we are seeing — which means we know that men who say this aren’t interested in one big group hug to kick off an era of peace between us.

This kind of sentiment is code for something else, entirely:

• You’re making things so difficult. Can’t you just calm down?
• Remember when women were silent and docile? Can’t we go back to that? We were so much happier back then.
• Do you have to be so demanding? Can’t you just accept things the way they are?

If you want peace between the sexes, if you want to “just be friends,” then your behavior should reflect that. And if it doesn’t, then complain about what you’re really upset about instead of pretending that you care about women.

Don’t you know nothing will change when you come to the table in anger? You’ll catch more flies with honey.

I can’t remember the last time I heard someone say this to a man. On the contrary, I’ve always heard men encourage each other’s anger:

• You’re never going to get anything done if you don’t put your foot down.
• No one will give a shit if you don’t come at this hard.
• You gotta move the needle on this one — declare war.

Should I ask why it’s okay for men to express their needs and expectations in anger, but not women? Or is that too obvious a tactic?

How about this: Can you guess how many flies have been caught with honey in the last few thousand years? Can you guess how far women got with smiles on our faces, pretending everything was just dandy?

I’ll give you a telling example. It took over a century for American women to win the vote. In the early years, women implored their husbands to codify female suffrage. They were good little girls, keeping up their household duties in a society where they couldn’t even pursue a college education. And decade after decade, nothing changed.

Female suffrage was only achieved once women started screaming from soapboxes, committing civil disobedience, and carrying out hunger strikes when they were thrown in jail.

We see right through this one. Men who say this don’t want women to be “sweet.” They want women to be quiet.

If you are a man who is sincere in his desire to help women, one of the first things you can do is stop asking these questions. Stop asking women why they are angry. Learn why they are. Stop asking women to silence their anger. Make room for it, validate it, protect it. Stop saying it’s too much. Understand that the things that inflamed our rage are what’s too much.

And if you can’t — or won’t — do these things, then just scroll on. No woman expressing her anger in feminist essays or videos is trying to force all men to listen to her. Trust me, our expectations are way lower than that. We’re simply here, daring to take up space and speak our truths.

If it upsets you, triggers you, frustrates you, or makes you angry, you need to learn that it is not our responsibility to make you feel comfortable, peaceful, or happy in our own spaces. Remember that: You came into our space.

Don’t throw more emotional labor into our laps by leaving complaints about our content. If you don’t get it and you don’t like it, you have the ability to solve that problem by leaving. We aren’t obligated to change our behavior in our own spaces in order to regulate your nervous system.

See how these complaints about our anger feed right back into the problem?

So go forth and let the women of the world express their anger, just like you let the men of the world express their anger. You can observe it, validate it, celebrate it. Or feel free to ignore it, and even use your mute and block buttons to guard yourself against it.

But don’t come into our spaces and tell us to change it, tone it down, pull it back, or dismiss it. You have the privilege of not having to care about the consequences of an oppressive patriarchy — we do not. And our anger is the only thing that will get this work done.

So don’t waste our valuable time asking us why we’re so goddamn angry. We have work to do.

© Yael Wolfe 2023

Yael Wolfe is a writer, artist, and photographer. You can find more of her work at yaelwolfe.com.

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