WRITING FOR DOCTOR FUNNY
You Want To Be a Doctor?
Improve your chances with Doctor Funny. Read this before you submit a story.
You were that kid who got in trouble for your smart mouth. Me too! You will be in good company here.
You want to join the grueling world of humor writing at Doctor Funny. Congrats on that questionable decision.
We’ll get you prepped for surgery and you’ll be a squeaky new kind of funny when we are done with you.
Scrub up
If you are not already a Doctor Funny writer, send an email to the head of surgery, Michael Burg, MD (AKA Medium Michael Burg)
Scribble illegibly, “I WANT TO BE A DOCTOR” in the re-line. Make sure you add your Medium handle and your Twitter handle in the body of the email. Bonus points for attaching a draft link.
To attach a draft link, punch up your work, go to the three dots at the top of the article, and go to Share a Draft Link. Remember to copy your link before you paste it into the email. You don’t want Michael to see the last thing you cut and left in your clipboard.
It was something weird, we know.
Now, to surgery, and to writing
First, your submission must be funny.
This is no joke.
You never know which of the doctors, Michael Burg, MD (AKA Medium Michael Burg), Philip Ogley, Adam Robinson, Anthony Lawrence (Pcunix) or Kristine Laco are going to get to your submission first and how much coffee they’ve been able to drip through their IV. One day’s snorter could be another day’s snore.
But, listen. We volunteer our time to surgically enhance your story AND make you rich and famous.*
*Yeah, not gonna happen here.
So help us help you. Contribute your funniest story that is grammar proficient, Type-O free (we understand the occasional one slips through), and coherent.
I know you are here because you think what you write is funny. Cool cool cool.
But, if you want handy tips on how to write funny, the Doctor has you covered.
It is called Doctor Funny. Funny is the game, the doctor thing is only a side-hustle. Make us laugh.
Pre-Op
Formatting basics: kicker, title, subtitle, caption
Now you need to format your title, subtitle, kicker, and caption. A title is mandatory. Kickers and subtitles deliver still more funny and more info about your story. Use them both every time. We do and they work. Besides they are another chance to slip your audience the funny bone.
WTF is she saying?
I ‘splain.
Medium makes it dead simple to format your word babies.
Dead?! Is that flatline? Grease up the paddles, STAT!
Type your title on a line. Then place your cursor and highlight anything on that line and you will see this:
Some of these might look familiar. B=bold, i=italics, the link is to add links, but it is the next two Ts that we’re gonna diagnose.
Big T is title case. In the above example, I highlighted “You Want To Be a Doctor?” selected big T, and revived the patient. Nailed it.
Then I selected “Improve your chances with Doctor Funny. Read this before you submit a story” and used the second T, subtitle case. Again, nailed it.
What about the kicker?
Adding a kicker involves placing the cursor at your title’s beginning. Type the kicker (keep it short) and press enter. Don’t panic when all the title formatting you just did goes demonic. Besides Doctors don’t panic until someone doesn’t refill the coffee maker.
Highlight your kicker and select the subtitle case — second T.
Order will be restored, along with your heartbeat.
With all vital signs restored, now you’re ready to get to the article.
Attribute images
Doctor Funny stories must have a lead image between the subtitle and the story’s first line. Your story will undergo rejection if there’s no image here.
Image attribution is essential.
If you don’t know how to attribute an image to the rights holder, here’s the 911.
Type Enter or Return and you’ll see this:
Click on the plus sign and you’ll see this:
What do all these mean?
Funny you asked.
The Camera means you are going to add your own picture — like a fancy screenshot in this case and you will be taken to a dialogue box of your files. Attribute your screenshot to the author by clicking on the image. It will then look like this:
Where it says Type caption for image (optional), type Author’s image. Or, even better, The Author is a master of her domain and screenshots.
Or funnier.
The next trick is sweet as a diabetic clutching a Baby Ruth Bar. Medium is linked to the free image service Unsplash. Milk that like a stolen cow, click the magnifying glass, and type a keyword that’ll bring your article to life.
Type ‘shit’, and see this:
I’ll also add… that green G in the top right, means I use Grammarly to catch stupid mistakes. It’s free. Use it. Don’t make me correct there, their, and they’re. ‘Cuz I’ll stop by your house and put hemorrhoid cream in your toothpaste tube*. You think you have retracted gums now, just wait.
*Doctor Approved scare tactic.
If you select one of these images, it will magically appear on your article and the attribution (the acknowledgment of the photographer or holder of the image rights to use) will appear below. No further work required. Voila!
MANDATORY: I added the bit in bold. Captions are another opportunity to be funny. We will ask you to add one every damn time. No shit.
Subheadings and quotes
If you want fancy subheadings in your document like the words “Subheadings and Quotes” above, highlight and use the second big T.
If you want drop quotes use the “. This is what you get when you hit it once.
If you hit “ twice you get something that looks like this.
The first one is useful for thoughts and digressions. The second is best for some of your real stand-out lines or direct quotes. Use them sparingly for the biggest bang.
A word on capitalization and language
We have writers from across the globe. Some of us add u to colour. Some of us don’t. You be U, and we’ll take you au naturel.
As for capitalization on headlines and subheads, we recommend you stick with the standards. If you want all little letters because it somehow conveys your message better, we ain’t gonna fix it but we want to know why it is like that, or we’ll toss it back.
If you don’t know what standard capitalization is, use this free tool.
What is that little lock thingy?
The last in the dialogue box when you highlight is a private message. This can be seen by the author, the writer of the message, and the editors of the publication. No one else sees these when they are reading your article.
You will be likely contacted by private message once you submit an article. Reply to note and we’ll get your comments privately.
Surgery
Write your funny face off. Make us pee a little and you win the prize.*
*There is no prize.
Make us pass a whole chili cheese dog with sauerkraut through our nose… bigger prize.*
*Still no prize.
Done? Send it in! At the top of your article, hit the three dots, add to publication, select Doctor Funny, press Select and continue. You’re almost done.
Now, the menu at the top changed from Publish to Submit. Hit Submit and you’ll see a preview of your article.
1️⃣ Some images look weird in this view. Change them in your article before continuing.
2️⃣ The biggest thing you have to remember is tagging. Always choose 5 tags! Humor or Humour should be one of them. But here’s the exciting change… drum role.
You’ll have to wait for it, ‘cuz just when you thought you had the best deal:
There’s More!
3️⃣ If you want to earn a penny or two from the article you submit, make sure the Meter your story button is checked. If you want your subscribers to see your super funny article, hit Send a link to your email subscribers.
4️⃣ Now Submit to publication! That felt good, didn’t it?
You will hear from one of us within a minute or week, depending on the workload but usually within 24 hours. You won’t get that kind of service without great insurance elsewhere!
Then, we will either send it directly to the publication or we will recommend required medications, salves, and edits before publication. We will occasionally reject a piece, with explanation, if it is not quite right for Doctor Funny.
Hey, we all get rejected. It is never personal and we always suggest you try again.
Now the drum roll…
PLAY WITH YOUR NEW FUN BAGS
Tagging with Doctor Funny
With our new and exciting landing pages, we are organizing our author’s funny into categories. Your article will still be featured when it goes live, but if you add one of these tags, it will also be featured on that landing page.
Double the exposure!
That’s right. It’s a twofer.
To be placed on the top of a specific landing page on Doctor Funny, use the tags below and it will happen, by magic because there is no way we are going to research how to do this or be bothered. Find the tag that best suits your article and add the tag in the add a tag… section.
At Doctor Funny, we are trying to corner the market on Shit Happens and Cluster Fucks so you can help! Use these tags liberally for full effect.
Tag: Shit Happens
Why is everybody always picking on me? Having a bad day? Week? Month? Year? Millennium? Drop your funny shit about it and never mind the puppy poop pick-up bag. Just vent. It’s all good, and biodegradable.
Tag: Cluster Fucks
Cluster fucks, car crashes, caves-ins, catastrophes, cacophony and chaos? Bring them here and we’ll laugh until we cry or vice versa. Your (hilarious) waste dump, no extra charge.
Tag: House Calls
In-laws becoming out-laws, fam damily gatherings, relationship wreaks, home hellishness, and “life and people in it suck” on your mind? If it’s personal, peculiar, and not too terribly painful, publish here. We’ll reward you with an uncomfortably long hug. Then you’ll feel better. Yeah right. Remember … funny!
Tag: Satire
Is the dark side of the comedy force with you? If so, your: hyperbole, exaggeration, ridicule, mockery, derision, scorn, caricature, irony, sarcasm, rant and dyspepsia about life is welcome. Don’t forget the funny though.
Tag: Inside Edition
These are the inside jokes, tag clouds, and poking the bears of Doctor Funny. If you have a hard-on for one of the editors and want to scream obscenities at their expense, do that here. Roasts, boasts, toast, and ghosts go here. BALLS go here.
Our final category
This is where you will find useful information about our community of misfits. The articles here are mostly written by the editors. There is no tag for this. We hand-select articles here that we know you need to be a great Doctor of Funny.
Post-Op
The patient survived, you survived and now you are ready.
Congratulations! Now you are a Doctor*. Call your mom, mum, nana, and the guidance counselor in high school who said you’d never be a Doctor with that smart mouth. You have been validated.
*Not a real certificate. You are not a real doctor.
Remember to follow Doctor Funny on Twitter and see your story there. Retweet, like, comment. Hell, follow the editors while you’re there. Dr Michael, Kristine, Philip, Anthony, and Adam (although, I’d suggest that one sparingly).
We will do our doctorly due diligence to clap, tweet, comment and otherwise promote your fine funny stories. Please spread that love and help us do the same.
A FINAL NOTE: If you’ve made it to the end, you win the prize and you already know what that is. Fun note… If you don’t read a Medium article for 30 seconds or more, the writer is penalized financially. So even if you don’t want to read, please hang out and highlight anything, so writers don’t lose money. That’s the Doctor’s orders.
Thanks for completing your Doctor Funny doctorate. Now clap and/or comment so we know you’ve been here. We’re watching…
