You Want That’s Right, Not You’re Right

One wants to talk with you. The other, to get rid of you.

Have you ever been in a conversation or a negotiation and you were not connecting to someone on a particular issue? Try summarizing their point of view in a way so that they say, “That’s right.”

You’re right

The two terms, “You’re right” and “That’s right,” seem to say the same thing. You could not be further from the truth if you think that is true.

I want you to think back to the last time you were speaking with a colleague, friend, or even a stranger. It does not matter which topic. You may have gone back and forth. Each person describing what they feel about a particular issue or subject.

After about 10 minutes, if you have that much patience, what did you say to that person to get rid of them?

Could it have been, “You’re Right?”

“You’re right.” is what many people use to dismiss a person, just to get them to go away. You are not agreeing with that person. You just want them to leave so you can get back to your life.

What happened after you said, “You’re right.” The other person probably straightens up, smiled, adjusted his jacket, and walked away. We love hearing those three words, “You are right.” almost as much as “I love you.”

So, if you use the phrase “You’re right” to get rid of people, what makes you think others are not doing it to you?

That’s right

If you really want to make a connection to someone, listen, and use empathy.

In a negotiation, until the other person knows they have been listened to and understood, you will not get anywhere productive any time soon.

You need to really listen to the other person. Then, summarize what they are saying. If you can summarize what they are saying, in words they would not use themselves, even better.

Your goal by summarizing is to get the other person thinking about their position. If you can summarize their position to the point that they say, “That’s right.” they will feel connected to you. They will feel you understand them.

If they say, “You’re right.” you have missed the mark.

The proof

You may still be thinking I do not know what I am talking about. Think back to the last time you saw an interview on TV. Somebody was telling a story or making a point. As you listened, you may have even said, “That’s right.” out loud.

Did you feel a connection to the person on TV at that moment? He may have been discussing a topic that is a passion for you. It does not matter what he said. What matters is he was discussing something you may have been thinking about that caused a connection. At that moment, you did not say, “You’re right.” It was like an epiphany, and you thought, “That’s right.” because he summarized a belief or opinion you already had. If you really want to make a connection to someone, listen, and use empathy.

In a negotiation, until the other person knows they have been listened to and understood, you will not get anywhere productive any time soon.

You need to really listen to the other person. Then, summarize what they are saying. If you can summarize what they are saying, in a way they would not express themselves, even better.

Your goal by summarizing is to get the other person thinking about their position. If you can summarize their position to the point that they say, “That’s right.” they will feel connected to you. They will feel you understand them.

If they say, “You’re right.” you have missed the mark.

Winding it up

If you feel a negotiation has stalled because you are not connecting with each other, look at it from his view and summarize the situation.

This does several things. It shows you are listening. It shows you understand.

People want to be understood and listened to. Even if they are sitting across the table from you.

Your goal is to get them to say, “That’s right.” If they say, “You’re right.”, you have missed the mark. Try again.

Originally published at https://pivottowardsfreedom.com on January 4, 2021.