How to Hear What People Are Really Trying to Tell You

If you struggle to read people, this will help

For most of my adult life, I couldn’t read people for toffee. I would believe their bullshit and take everything they told me a) at face value and b) very personally.

That is until I discovered the magic of one little sentence.

Judgment is but a mirror reflecting the insecurities of the person who’s doing the judging — Joshua Fields Millburn, The Minimalists

In other words, what spills out of people’s mouths often has jack shit to do with you. It’s about them, whether they know it or not.

Knowing this changes everything.

You said bomb on an airplane

You said bomb.

No, I said I didn’t have a bomb.

You said bomb on an airplane.

— Meet the Parents

Whenever my husband or I get sad about something someone has said to us, we turn to the other and say: you said bomb.

When Adam Sandler’s character is pulled off an airplane on the movie Meet The Parents, the security guard tells him he shouldn’t have said the word bomb on an airplane. It doesn’t matter he said I don’t have a bomb, the point is he said bomb.

You said bomb is a reminder to take a moment to really look at the words that are being said to us. What is that person really trying to say? Is it hidden in plain sight? Is it really about us, or is it more about them?

Because our brains can be guilty of saying what we really mean in not very cleverly concealed comments and judgments.

Once you know this, you’ve got a powerful weapon on your hands.

Taking the poison out of the wound

What was the last comment that stung?

At Christmas, my sister said to me:

You have no children so you’re still the child of this house.

My initial reaction was to take offense. In what universe does being child-free make me any less of an adult? I founded then sold a business, I travel the world, I live intentionally and you call me a child?

You said bomb.

What was she really saying to me? Her words were you’re still a child.

I’ve always been her little sister (we are 10 years apart). She hated me growing up. So she’s really saying that she wishes I was still a child. Whether I act like one or not is irrelevant.

Knowing this not only took the sting out of the comment but also made me empathize with her. It saved an argument and made me understand her on a deeper level.

When someone says something shitty to you, do you think they’re really talking about you, or about themselves?

• The person who tells you your business will fail is really saying that if it was their business, they would kill it.
• Your mum asking if you think your career is 'real' is her telling you she doesn’t think it has validity.
• Your auntie comments on your weight because she has a problem with weight.

It’s the same with nasty online comments.

Do you really think the commenter’s vitriol is aimed at you personally? Or are they really just using the comment box to voice an opinion that has more to do with themselves than anyone else? In my experience, more often than not it’s the latter.

Once you know that words are a mirror, those words hurt less.

It’s a two-way mirror

A few years ago — back when I owned a wine store — I was interviewed for a podcast. I had just put the store up for sale. It was done quietly as a confidential listing because I was nervous to tell anyone I wanted out.

Halfway through the interview, I found myself saying, totally out of the blue:

I mean, it’s not like we’re planning to sell this store or anything.

Charlie, you just said bomb.

Knowing that judgment is a mirror not only gives you a better insight into people around you but can also open a door to your own thoughts, opinions, and desires.

Magic, eh.

Using the mirror to build better relationships

There are two simple ways to do this:

Identify when you need to take the high road

A couple of years ago, I spent some months in Transactional Analysis (TA) therapy. The idea behind TA is that whenever you engage in conversation, you will transmit from one of three ego states: parent, child, or adult.

Which state you’re coming from will have an effect on how the other person in the conversation reacts to you.

Parent to child (or child to parent) = shit.

Parent / child to adult = better.

Adult to adult = best.

Take the interaction between my sister and me. My sister tells me I’m still a child because I am child-free. She is talking to me from a parent state.

I in turn am triggered into feeling child-like, which means I might act accordingly — with a tantrum.

But this time, I took a beat and remembered that her words said more about her than they did about me. This disrupts the parent-child dynamic and puts me in the driving seat because now, I can react from adult state.

Interacting with someone from the state of child or parent mode, is often a default or unconscious reaction that is used, and it takes conscious awareness to be able to bring ourselves back into adult mode and interact from that place instead — Heather Murray, Simply Psychology

Gain proper insight into your relationships

Last year I wrote something that rather nicely sums up how you can use the mirror to improve your relationships:

Ultimately, [knowing that judgement is a mirror] gives you a greater insight into those you choose to spend your time with and armed with that knowledge, you can better assess the relationship. Are you getting enough value from it? If not, what are you going to do about it?

We all have relationships that drain more than sustain. The Naysayer Nancys and Negative Normans who “just pop round for a cuppa” with a bag full of barbed comments and thinly veiled insults, leaving you bewildered and miserable.

Now, I can properly assess these relationships. What is this person really saying to me? Where does that negativity come from? Can I rise above it or is it just too heavy for me to carry?

I have a chance of answering those questions from a position of knowledge and empathy, instead of from a knee-jerk reaction.

I still trip up. I still take shitty comments to heart. Frankly, the pronoun you is always going to sting, even if the comment isn’t anything to do with you.

But I’ve also managed to navigate difficult family situations by taking the time to figure out what’s really being said to me. I’m better than ever at dismissing crappy comments online.

For someone who has spent a lifetime struggling to figure out what people really think, the judgment is a mirror concept is a God-send.

Try it. The results might surprise you.