You Need to Choose Happiness Now

Your future situation will never bring it to you

Photo by Valerie Elash on Unsplash; edited by author

I have spent my entire life waiting for the next thing to happen. I always thought that when it happened, everything would fall into place and I would be happy. Therefore, my current struggle with misery would always be worth it once I got to that point.

In middle school, I thought once I got into high school then I would be happy, make friends, and thrive. In high school, while I grew as a person, I was still miserable and looked forward to college. In college, I thought once I got to graduate school I would be so happy.

This illusion finally broke for me, when I graduated from graduate school. During graduate school, I was so focused on graduating and moving on with my life. I thought that finally leaving school would make me happy. Finally, I would have balance in my life and start moving forward in my career.

On my graduation day, I wasn’t even excited. I was so focused on the move that I was going to do the next day to go to a postdoctoral scholar position that I thought was going to be perfect.

Hitting My Low Point

Despite my belief that my postdoctoral position was going to be amazing, it was the lowest point in my adult life. While my advisor said they cared about me being a person, I was micromanaged every second, questioned on everything I did, and constantly degraded.

I was crushed with no escape. This was supposed to be my dream job.

I was in a miserable town, where I couldn’t even walk around my neighborhood after being followed early in my time there. There was nothing to do. Then, the pandemic came. The lab shut down, which provided the reprieve I needed from my advisor.

Again, I fell back to my usual tactic. I started looking for my way out and the next thing that was going to make me happy. My partner was unable to find employment in the town we were in. So, we both started looking for new jobs.

Finally, eight months after starting my postdoc, I had two new job offers: (1) another postdoc position in Seattle, which was my dream city to live in, and (2) an industry position that would pay over $80K.

Both jobs had their perks, but both had severe consequences. The postdoc position would not pay me enough to be able to live in Seattle. Therefore, I would have to pile up debt just to work.

The industry position was doing work that I was not really interested in and would have required a 30–45 minute commute both ways because it was so far from the city.

In the end, I rejected both positions. My partner had received a position at their previous company that they loved. We agreed to move back to the city that brought me misery during graduate school. I would work on building my business, while my partner would work a job they loved.

How Will I Ever Be Happy?

I finally hit a point where there was no clear next step. I kept thinking that I would be happy when my business did well, but that felt so far off.

For a while, I kept dreaming about what my life would be like when I finally had money and a successful business. Then, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I don’t need something to make me happy. I can be happy on my own.

I made a decision on that day to really work on myself and figure out how to be happy. I realized that if I could figure out how to be happy in this situation, I could be happy when things are great in the future. If I couldn’t be happy in this situation, the success of my business and financial security wouldn’t necessarily bring me happiness.

Finding Happiness

When you have been relying on external things to make you happy, it can be very difficult to know how to find happiness within yourself.

I started by identifying the things that contributed to my misery. I made a list of things that I hated about my current life:

Financial insecurity
Overweight and in pain
Watch too much TV
Felt like a failure

My thought was if I work on the things that make me miserable then I could move toward happiness. I started with the item that seemed the easiest. Reducing the amount of TV.

My partner was mainly the one that watched TV all the time, but I would regularly get sucked into it. After many fights, we came to an agreement to lower the TV time in the apartment. Instantly, I felt so much relief. There were times of silence in my house, which I learned is essential for my happiness.

I then spent time identifying my dreams and goals. How do I achieve these things? How do I really achieve happiness?

I Needed to Change

Ultimately, the result of my searches was that if I wanted to be happy, I needed to change. I didn’t need to become a whole new person, but I needed to prioritize the things that made me happier and deprioritize the things that do not contribute to my happiness.

As a workaholic, I was accustom to only prioritizing work. I prioritized what would get me to the next thing so that I could become happier.

Now, there was no next thing. I had to find what would make me happy now.

I started closing down my work at a reasonable time. Spending time with my partner. Writing more. Reading more.

I started exercising through walks with my partner and biking.

I cleaned my workspace and kept it clean regularly.

While I don’t think I have mastered happiness, I can definitely tell you that I feel happier. I am actually excited about each day and what I will accomplish in it. I look forward to sitting with my glass of wine reading a book at the end of the day.

When I sit in silence, I no longer have negative thoughts about myself or my life. I finally have peace.

Happiness Is a Choice That You Make

For 27 years of my life, I was miserable. I waited for something to finally come and make me happy. While many great things came my way, they never changed my mental state.

The moment you realize that happiness is a choice that you make and you can have it no matter what situation you are in, it can change your life. At this moment right now, you could be happy and at peace.

It takes work. It takes conscious action to find what contributes to your misery and work to eliminate it. It takes moving from your future and past into your present. It takes making conscious choices to find what makes you happy and prioritize it.

I can’t get those 27 years back. I can’t tell my younger self that happiness was just out of my reach all along. Who would I have been if I was happy?

What I can do is share with others what I have found. I can urge them to take the steps forward while knowing that everyone needs to take their happiness journey at their own pace.

However, if you are reading this, I challenge you to just find one thing that makes you happy and prioritize it. Schedule it in your life as regularly as you can. Then, when doing that thing is a routine, repeat the process.