You Must Teach People How to Treat You
Because You’ll Get More of What You Tolerate
Some people follow the rule, “Treat others how you would like to be treated.”
The rest wait for you to tell them how you wanna be treated…
This could be based on first impressions, the way they’re used to treating people, or how you’ve allowed them to engage with you.
Either way, what you communicate to them is what they run with.
Whatever you’re willing to tolerate is what you’ll get more of.
If you accept people talking down on you, invading your personal space, and calling you names, you’ll get more of it.
But there’s consequences…
If you allow people to treat you badly, it will take a toll on your mental health and self-esteem.
You wouldn’t only feel devalued; you’ll also build resentment toward the people treating you wrongly.
This is not a healthy way to live.
Instead, you must teach people how to teach you.
Define clear boundaries, set your standards, and express them empathetically.
These simple tweaks will lead to much better, healthier relationships that boost your self-esteem instead of taking from it…
If you give people a yard, they’ll take it
This is the year I’ll get into the best shape of my life.
I’ve been eating right and hired a personal trainer to put me through 5 sessions per week.
So far, so good.
But a series of incidents brought my attention to what I’m writing about today; let me give you context before I get into it…
I live in Ghana, where my personal trainer was born and raised.
A large part of the culture here is showing the utmost respect for your elders.
To them, this means never talking back or correcting someone older than you.
I’m also Ghanaian, but I was born and raised in London…
My parents taught me Ghanaian traditional values, but I also learned about my rights and British culture from my environment.
Anyways…
There was an older guy who would come to the gym and randomly take part in sessions put on for me by my personal trainer.
He wouldn’t say anything; he would just grab the weight and start training after my PT's demo.
As a paying customer, this pissed me off.
At the same time, I thought to myself, “If the PT is okay with it, who am I to talk?”
After the third time, I pulled my trainer aside and asked him if he was okay with the guy butting in for free like that.
He responded, “I’m not, but if I tell him something now, he will tell me I don’t respect and will report me to my boss.”
I said, “No problem.”
The next time the guy came to the gym and tried to hop in our session, I stopped what I was doing and said, “Bro, It’s not fair that you walk into our sessions without even consulting the trainer. I’m sure nobody minds if you do the same exercises he’s telling me, but please do it elsewhere because I’ve paid for a 1–2–1 session with this trainer.”
He didn’t even stutter, “Oh, my bad brother. I didn’t realize,” and then he went off and did his own thing.
Most people allow others to step on their dignity and treat them with a lack of respect, care, and kindness for one simple reason…
They’re scared of what might happen if they stand up for themselves.
My trainer thought correcting this person's behavior would reflect badly on his character and potentially cost him his job.
You may not be in the same position as my trainer…
Maybe you’re putting up with bad behavior from a friend, family member, co-worker, spouse, etc. because you’re afraid it will put the relationship on the line.
You’ve convinced yourself that confronting the behavior would lead to an ugly fallout, so you’re better off putting up with it.
While we can’t ignore the fact that there’s a possibility a relationship may end when you enforce your boundary, tolerating it has dire effects on you!
The problem with letting things slide
Allowing others to treat you like shit takes its toll.
Not only does it enable a gradual build up of resentment toward them, it also messes with your self-esteem.
Eventually, you’ll lash out and cause the ugly fallout you thought you were avoiding by staying silent.
This happened to my Dad not long ago; he runs a car business in Ghana…
One of the drivers kept missing payments, but my dad would constantly let it slide, even though it frustrated him.
His reason was, “The guy has 5 kids and a wife to care for. If I take the car from him now, his family will suffer.”
Super thoughtful of him…
When I arrived in Ghana, my dad sent me to take the car to the mechanic for an inspection.
It turns out none of the money my dad had sent for the car to be repaired had been used for repairs.
The guy kept it for himself.
When Dad found out, he lost the plot.
He gave the guy a serious dressing down, reminding him of all the times he waved missed payments and gave him money to buy food and then fired him on the spot.
To this day, my dad is still harboring the negative emotions from that event – all it takes is bringing up the driver's name to trigger it.
That’s not to say he was wrong for dressing down the guy…
He just didn’t have to wait to set his boundary because it allowed the negative emotions he was feeling for waving the missed payments to pile up in him.
… Which caused the messy fallout my dad so desperately tried to avoid.
Another factor at play here is low self-esteem.
When you devalue yourself, you can rationalize why others don’t value you.
My dad's excuse for pardoning the liberties being taken by the driver was, “I’m not a bad person.”
In other words, he equated setting boundaries to being a negative character flaw.
This simultaneously implies good people allow themselves to get walked over, even when it’s getting on their last nerve.
Thus, he convinced himself that it’s okay for people to not meet their obligations to him.
How to teach people to treat you
You must teach people how to treat you if you want better relationships.
The way you do this is by setting clear boundaries, defining your expectations, and expressing your emotions empathetically.
… But all of this starts with you.
You’ve gotta identify the things that do and don’t work for you then communicate them transparently to others.
Here’s 7 things you can do to help you with this process:
1. Start with yourself
You can only love others to the capacity you love yourself.
The reason for this is because self-love helps you to recognize how you deserve to be treated.
If you don’t mind letting yourself down, you won’t mind when others do it to you.
Start treating yourself with respect to learn how it’s done.
All this means is you must do what you’ve gotta do (as long as it’s ethical) to take care of your body, soul, and mind.
2. Define your boundaries
You’re a blank canvas when you first meet someone.
They’re waiting on cues from you to determine how you wanna be treated.
Make it clear to them.
If someone does or says something you don’t like, address it.
Don’t wait for it to be blown out of proportion before you start pulling up a bunch of things you didn’t appreciate – they won’t listen.
3. Communicate clearly and empathetically
Instead of “You never listen to me,” try, “I’m feeling a bit lonely right now; I’d be grateful if I could have your undivided attention for 5 minutes.”
The first approach may trigger a defensive response since you’re attacking their character.
The second approach gives them an opportunity for them to help you meet a need.
People are much more receptive to doing things when they know why they’re doing it.
This is why it’s always better to express your needs instead of just giving people the silent treatment.
When you express your needs, it’s up to them if they wanna meet them.
If they don’t, you can find someone else who will.
4. Be the person you want others to be
This is simply another way of saying, “Treat others how you want to be treated.”
If you want respect from your social circle, show them respect.
If you feel like you already show them respect and you don’t get it back, there’s a high possibility you’re in the wrong group.
5. Use reinforcement learning
Teaching others how to treat you isn’t just about addressing the bad – you must also point out the good.
When someone does something nice for you, express it to them.
Let them know how much you appreciate it.
For example, if someone comes to kick it with you when you’re lonely, tell them, “I appreciate you hanging out with me yesterday.”
6. Model someone you admire
Find someone you admire who demands respect and seemingly has a strong sense of self-worth and emulate them.
Ask yourself, “What would [insert role model name] do in this situation?” and take that option.
Slowly but surely, people will begin to treat you with the same respect as your role model.
7. Be consistent
Teaching people how to treat you takes time.
You must enforce your boundaries over a long period of time so people know you’re serious.
As you begin communicating what you will and won’t tolerate to people, some may drop off…
That’s okay.
You’re creating room for people who will treat you well to enter.
Final thoughts
You’ll get more of whatever you’re willing to tolerate.
If you allow people to treat you poorly, you’ll get more of that.
It’s your responsibility to educate people on how to treat you – you can’t expect them to just know.
This may mean you’ll have to have a few awkward conversations at first.
Over time, you’ll repel those who cannot respect your boundaries and attract those who do.
As a result, you’ll have better relationships, higher self-esteem, and the respect you deserve.
Thanks for reading!
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