You Might Feel Ready for Love, But Are You Prepared?

Unsolicited dating advice from a single person

Let’s just get right into it. It’s another day, another swipe on a dating app and scroll on social media. Can you even bare one more post of a seemingly happy, devoted couple, while simultaneously juggling a plethora of options on dating apps? I’m in the dating app world, and let me tell you something. It’s a jungle. I often ask myself why I put myself through this? Well for starters, I’m a social creature that needs companionship and connection. It’s also a pandemic and you know, “going out and meeting people” has become a bit more of an obstacle. Third, I’m a woman trying to meet other women, and it’s just so much easier having an app clearly present to you who is queer. I digress. It can sometimes seem like love is the missing ingredient, the one thing that if you knew you had you’d have the confidence and stamina to begin growing as a person and watch yourself thrive. While that may be true in certain romantic contexts, feeling like you are not a valid human being until another claims you is not only a way to remain single, but to find yourself in an unhappy partnership, which is worse. Perhaps it’s worth mulling over the reality of what love actually provides, vs what you really need to be seeking from yourself. It appears the two are frequently confused and muddled together, leaving some of those in pursuit of love feeling empty and inadequate when things don’t pan out. Here are some passages from last night’s journal entry that could possibly be of use to you if you find yourself constantly craving companionship, but perhaps lacking full awareness of what a devoted partnership entails which is altering your approach and inflating your expectations. In other words, is simply being ready for love enough? Or are you ready, but deeply unprepared without even realizing it? Let’s take a looksie.

So, You Know You’re Ready For:

~Affection

Admittedly some pretty cool stuff. Even better when it’s consistently with the same person and comfort and security results from the familiarity. It’s a very normal desire to be repeatedly chosen by someone, which helps form a lasting physical and emotional bond. Those walls can come down, and you assume this will make you forever safe and secure within the embrace of that person.

~Support

There’s a really stable, warm feeling that comes with an equal give and take in a partnership. Listening, caring, sharing a space of empathy, just showing up for them when they need you and vice versa. The level of support a person feels certainly affects their overall quality of life, so receiving support from your special person is something that most of us could see as a catalyst for our personal thriving.

~Humor

For me, humor and light heartedness (especially at the start as an ice breaker) of a relationship is so key for me. There’s nothing I love more than making constant digs and jokes with someone I share a sense of humor with. Laughter is medicinal and this article highlights some pretty impressive benefits of humor and how it can nurture our relationships, help us navigate shameful emotions, and bring a healthy perspective to our anger. Processing our shame and anger is paramount to manifesting a moderate relationship, as opposed to an extreme one filled with excruciating ups and downs.

~Healing

The process of getting to know someone and unraveling an understanding, compassionate person who is sympathetic and non judgmental of your life story is one of the most healing moments we can experience. This is especially true when we’ve had a history of unhealthy relationships and the quality of your current relationships is direct proof of your growth. In the process of unraveling another, we tend to unravel bits and pieces of ourselves, providing more insight into who we are and what we need.

~Positive Energy Exchange

Mutual encouragement, good conversation, non-judgment, acceptance, it’s all good. A standard we should all have in a partnership is coming away from your S.O. feeling energized. There are of course the moments of shared grief, pain, loss, etc, and when you are deeply connected to your partner, their pain becomes ours. But generally, there should be a sense of positivity between the two of you, not a sense of jealousy, resentment, bitterness, etc.

So, to wrap it up, we can probably conclude you’re definitely ready for love. The above all sounds pretty good and generally pleasant, right? But here’s to the more nitty gritty, the rub. Are you prepared for it? Let’s take another looksie.

Are You Prepared For?

~Sacrifice

In the beginning stages of a romance, sacrifice might come naturally. We might even find ourselves exceptionally altruistic when it comes to our beautiful, perfect partner. But what about in even just a couple years? When the initial wave of euphoria fades, and your partner is no longer gleaming in the perfection you once saw? But in order to maintain the partnership, you are still required some sweet sacrifice. You game?

~Adaptation

This could be categorized as sacrifice as well, but it’s a little more specific. The perfect human being simply does not exist, therefore your partner is bound to bring some less than ideal characteristics/circumstances to the table, including things they may have no control over. This could be extremely problematic family members, leaving you with problematic in laws. Could you successfully adapt to this shift, learning how to navigate potentially toxic people for the rest of your life? Think about that. Perhaps it could be something less “severe,” but until the situation occurs you don’t realize how much it could bother you. For example. Traits you absolutely love and admire about your partner is they’re very caring and compassionate, but perhaps they express this part of themselves through their love for animals and you hate animals. Seems silly, but would you be willing to to deal with the animals to keep your compassionate partner? Or are you going to throw the baby out with the bath water? On the flip, if you cant live without having a dog, how can you happily be with someone who cant stand them? It’s the “little things,” people.

~Resources

Time and energy are oh so limited, and successful partnerships require them both. You must keep it alive or it can go stale, and then you have to put in even more effort work out of the staleness. However you approach it, whether its through quality time or gift giving, you have to take something from yourself, be it time, money, or both in order to nurture the connection. If it goes too long without any attention, something is eventually going to give. So, how are you going to prioritize that side hustle or passion project, while you still hold on to your beloved?

~Freedom

I love being able to do things on a whim without having to consult with anyone first. I like spending my money on what I want to spend it on, taking weekend trips to visit friends, playing music with friends into the wee hours of the morning, writing, making new goals. I get excited at the thought of having someone who will respect my creative pursuits, and support some of my other more tangible goals. I also strive to be a positive force in someone’s life who will empower them to try new things and support them in their daily routine. In other words, I truly value commitment and the constant of the same person, but I’m not ready to settle down yet. I crave adventure and spontaneity, but someone who’s looking to have kids right away and buy a house in the city they hope to raise a family in, is probably not the best fit for me right now. This all comes down to wise mate selection. Objectively assess where you’re at, become fully aware of what you still hope to do and don’t falter. You will probably regret sacrificing your love of freedom for the promise of romance. Stay single until you find the person who will support this chapter of your life, instead of constantly guilting you for it. No fun.

~Risk

As easy as it is to get caught up in the notion that we will eventually meet that one special person, the soulmate who it was meant to be with, there is still a degree of risk involved with any partnership. A great risk of the heart! To put this as gently as possible, are you emotionally stable enough to handle the ebb and flow of any relationship? (I’m excluding the pervasive highs and lows of abusive and toxic relationships.) Can you handle the possibility of a break up, or does the thought of it trigger your fears of abandonment and make you spiral? Adversely, does the thought of settling down with the same person forever produce a feeling of suffocation? I know there were seasons of my life where I was a million times better off being single simply because I needed to learn to self-regulate before I’d be able to handle a relationship. Checking in with yourself, your heart, is key to improving the chances of attracting your ideal mate and maintaining a solid foundation for the both of you. There are endless reasons why you may not be attracting your ideal mate, with just as many lies you believe saying why you’re not complete until you are partnered. And most of them probably live out of your awareness and are embedded deep in your subconscious. Work it out.

I think the hopeless romantics, like myself, tend to get excited about all the good stuff a relationship can bring without proper consideration of some of the other, not so pretty stuff. With consideration of all corners, you might find that part of the reason you’re not “finding love” is simply because you’re not really prepared for love at all, you’re only ready to feel the good parts, which you can experience first by looking within, where you won’t be dependent on someone else for your happiness. Sounds boring, but I think it’s the truth.

With this said, I hope you find your own life story compelling enough all on its own, and the energy spent trying to find your person will be spent continuously creating a life you will be proud of when you look back on it on your deathbed. Give yourself frequent mortality check-ins, and in doing so, allow them to wake you up and snap you out of the notion that you need any external validation, like love, in order to live. I can’t stress this enough; as long as you have life, don’t wait for anything to live.