Summary

The author reflects on a past relationship where they felt gaslighted and unloved, despite their efforts to be supportive and understanding.

Abstract

A year after a tumultuous relationship, the author still grapples with feelings of inadequacy and confusion, despite recognizing that their former partner never truly loved them. The relationship was characterized by the partner's self-centeredness and manipulative behavior, which included giving mixed signals and emotional unavailability. The author initially saw these red flags as a challenge, only to realize they were being emotionally abused. The partner's inability to feel love, rooted in a sad childhood, led to a cycle of hurt and disappointment. The author learned the importance of not trying to save someone who does not want to be saved and vows not to repeat the same mistake.

Opinions

The author believes their former partner was self-aware of their own manipulative tendencies but chose to continue the behavior.
They acknowledge that their ex-partner's actions were not intentional malice but rather a reflection of their need for adoration and inability to reciprocate love.
The author feels that their ex-partner's childhood had a significant impact on their emotional capacity and behavior in relationships.
They recognize that their own desire to be loved led them to overlook the emotional abuse and try to change their partner.
The author has come to understand that it is futile to try to change or save someone who is content with their own destructive patterns.
They express a sense of resolve in not repeating the mistake of engaging in such a one-sided relationship in the future.

You made me feel crazy.

A year has gone by, and I still feel this way sometimes.

Like something is wrong with me.

Even though I know the truth now.

You never loved me.

I was just a background character in your story.

It was always about your needs.

Your feelings.

You loved knowing I would be there even though you tried your hardest to push me away.

You loved that I saw you for who you could be.

But you did warn me from the very beginning.

We were walking down the street one night.

You said, “I don’t want a relationship right now because I always end up making the other person feel crazy.”

I took this as a challenge.

I honestly thought you were joking because how could someone be that self-aware?

Looking back now, what is a manipulation tactic?

Because you didn’t stop.

You kept giving me attention.

You kept confusing me any chance you got.

I never knew where we stood.

You succeeded in getting me to where you wanted.

I soon found myself trapped in your world.

My thoughts were always on you.

“Was I doing enough?”

“Could I make you love me?”

There had to be a secret formula to this madness.

I just had to figure it out.

For what reason? I don’t know.

To be loved, I guess.

I don’t think you did it on purpose.

I really don’t.

It’s just in your nature.

You love to be adored by everyone.

Growing up with no one can do that to a person.

Your childhood was pretty sad.

You’re pretty sad.

You took off your mask pretty early on.

I like to think you felt comfortable enough around me to do so.

But now I think it’s because you knew I would still be naive enough to ignore the emotional abuse.

But it does get tiring being someone you’re not.

You couldn’t pretend anymore.

I only ever wanted to see you happy, but after a while, I realized you didn’t want to be.

You survived stuck in your ways for this long now.

Why change?

You didn’t want my help.

You didn’t want my love.

After all, you don’t even know what love is.

You used to say, “I know there are people who love me, but I don’t feel it.”

But still, that isn’t an excuse to destroy everything in your path.

That isn’t an excuse to hurt people even more.

For loving you.

You punished me over and over for trying to save you from yourself.

But then again, why try to save someone who doesn’t want to be saved?

Through all of that anguish and heartbreak, this is what I have learned.

And I will never make the same mistake again.