You Look Young For Your Age — But Time Stands Still For No One

The culture is not kind to aging women

I’m sitting with my mother discussing signs of aging. I feel her pain viscerally because it is also mine. We’ve both heard our whole lives how young we look for our age, but none of us can outrun the clock.

I’ve been offered Botox injections a number of times in the last few years based purely on my age. It’s only lately that I’ve given it any serious consideration. I can see the fine lines starting to etch themselves permanently into my face, and I remember my mom warning me that the faces I make could get stuck that way. It took longer than expected, but here we are.

I recently read an interview with Cameron Diaz where she talks about trying Botox once and how it made her look unlike herself. She stopped. She’s allowed herself to age naturally so that she can at least look in the mirror and recognize herself. I admire her bravery, and I understand why she was tempted. Hollywood isn’t the only place where women are held to an unreasonable and impossible beauty standard. Aging, for women, isn’t allowed anywhere.

Make no mistake: allowing ourselves to age naturally does take bravery. It’s a bold choice, and I admire it so much when women let their hair turn silver or refuse to inject themselves with filler. I’ve avoided Botox thus far, but I’m still having my hair color touched up. In the last year, I’ve had to increase my visits as my age tries to show itself faster than it once did.

I am grateful for the luxury of seeing another year. Many of my contemporaries didn’t have that luxury. I’ve already known family members and classmates who passed away before this age. I’m thankful for my life, but I have to admit that seeing myself age is hard.

It’s morbid, I know, but I feel like I’m watching my body decay in slow motion, a constant reminder of my own mortality. On one side, I have my children, growing up fast no matter how much I want to slow down time and hold them a little longer. On the other side, I have my mother and grandmother facing later stages of aging with grace but with the same perplexity and fear we all experience.

Up until a few years ago, I was still getting carded when I bought wine at the grocery store. Even that doesn’t happen anymore. I even recall the moment that I achieved invisibility among the younger generation, when my age and motherhood put me on the other side of my youth. I have friends who use the term “middle age” to describe us, but I don’t feel like it applies to me. It’s a meaningless phrase I can’t quite absorb, and yet I spent hours researching Botox one day — a reminder that I am the age I am no matter how much I feel like it’s nothing but a number.

Time may stand still for no one, but I’ve formulated a plan for moving alongside it.

I’m going to age naturally — within reason.

One day, I’ll just go silver and embrace it. That day is not today. I can skip the fillers and injections, but I would like to enjoy my hair color as it is just a little while longer. I don’t judge anyone else for their choices when it comes to beauty and aging, but my way is going to be as natural as I can make it.

I’m going to stay active.

The best defense against aging quickly is often our level of both physical and mental activity. I stay interested in life. I keep challenging myself, reading, and learning.

I also prioritize exercise. I don’t tell myself that certain things are outside of my reach. I keep getting stronger and healthier, and age hasn’t been a deterrent in that. In fact, while many of my contemporaries are complaining about neck, back, and knee pain, I feel like I’m in the best shape of my life, which isn’t to say the thinnest. I stay fit, and I embrace pole dancing workouts, cycling, hiking, paddling, axe throwing, and whatever else catches my interest. I don’t see my age as an obstacle to doing the things I want to do.

I consider all women my peers.

One of the healthiest things we can do in life is to befriend people of all ages. In the words of the late great Aaliyah, age ain’t nothing but a number — particularly where friendship is concerned. Getting to know people outside of our own age range is a great way to consider other perspectives and to broaden our worldview. I don’t consider women younger than me to be more relevant and women older than me to be less relevant. I think we all have something to offer each other and the world around us. This goes for all people, although I’ve specified women here.

I’m going to keep fighting age discrimination.

I plan to stay very vocal about ageism. We see it all the time. It’s in the way we talk about older generations, how we relegate people who are still living to lesser roles. Infantilizing the elderly is a prime example. As I age, I plan to keep drawing attention to the way that our society dismisses and demeans aging rather than according it respect. It doesn’t have to mean that we’re useless or have little to contribute. We don’t have to be relegated to the backseat of life. We can keep living full, beautiful lives until the moment those lives are over.

I’m going to try to make peace with my mortality.

I feel like I’ve been raging against the dying of the light for years now. This would probably be easier if I had a personal mythology that gave me comfort about the idea of death. The truth is that I love life, and I love the people who make up mine. Aging can often bring on an existential crisis because it’s a reminder that our time will run out, and we have little control over anything other than how we live until that moment comes.

I’m going to try to make peace with it anyway. I’m not there yet. I’m not even close. It’s less about how I look than how I feel about our time being so horribly short. I need more time to live and to love, but I’m going to learn to make peace with the sense of scarcity I sometimes have. If I can, I’m going to try to embrace abundance instead.

I’m going to keep discarding expectations in favor of authenticity.

Every year, I leave more expectations behind me. I don’t care if anyone else approves of the way I live. I spent the first part of my life trying to please everyone else and making myself miserable in the process. Now, I’m trying to please myself. It is my life, after all.

As we age, it’s important to actually be ourselves. Not who we think we should be. Not society’s idea of who we are. Authenticity is essential to happiness and even to health. We can keep pretending until the day we die, or we can decide to be happy as we are whether anyone else likes it or not.

The funny thing is that I’m a better mom and a better human in general when I’m more myself. I’m not carrying around the weight of trying to be someone I’m not. I’m taking good care of myself and, in turn, taking better care of my children and my relationships. We’ll never be happy as long as we’re denying ourselves to serve someone else’s agenda.

Every now and then, I fall into the rabbit hole of aging products and cosmetic surgery blogs. I think about it sometimes. I know that no amount of filler is going to stop time or even put it on pause. Maybe one day I’ll do it and have no qualms about it, but for now, I’m going to try the more natural solutions for aging.

I’m going to stress less, eat well, and stay active. I’m going to take care of my skin and listen to what my body needs each day. I’m going to enjoy my life as long as I’m living it, and I’m not going to let a little thing like aging stop me.