You have to stop fearing happiness to find it
It may be time to admit that your fear of happiness is greater than your desire to have it for your own.
by: E.B. Johnson
We move through this life forever in pursuit of greater comfort and happiness. No matter how comfortable we get, though, happiness seems to be the one great hope that eludes so many of us. Why? Why do we struggle to be happy when it’s the only thing that so many struggle and work for? The fact of the matter is that a lot of us fear true happiness and what it means for our lives and our relationships. If we want joy to be the foundation of our future, we have to acknowledge this fear — and where it comes from — so that we can move forward.
Why you’re afraid of true happiness.
Have you ever considered the fact that your fear of happiness may be blocking you from finding it? When we haven’t known a great deal of happiness in our lives, it can become that elusive whale that we chase on an empty path to nowhere. We come to fear true happiness, and we see it as uncomfortable and hard effort. Once see this positive emotion for what it really is, we can undo our fear and move into joy.
It’s uncomfortable
Perhaps the most common reason that we come to fear our own happiness is the amount of discomfort it creates. When you’re not used to being naturally happy, it can feel alien and uncomfortable. When you slide into happiness, the walls go up. Then, the self-sabotaging behavior can appear and the slow descent into misery starts the cycle all over again.
You feel unworthy
Do you have low self-esteem? Do you struggle to see yourself as a worthy and lovable person? You’re not alone. A lot of us have been damaged and traumatized mentally and emotionally over the years, and it’s taught us to see ourselves in a low light. This feeling of unworthiness is dangerous, though. Not only does it lead us down the road to toxic relationships and unfulfilling futures — it prevents us from ever reaching true happiness.
Unrealistic expectations
When you spend your life building up this grand idea of happiness, you can actually do yourself harm by creating unrealistic expectations. Being truly happy is not magical. It doesn’t mean that there is never struggle or heartache in your life again. It simply means that you’ve aligned yourself with the people and experiences that allow you to feel seen, loved, supported, and valued in life. To find happiness that lasts, we have to be realistic about what happiness really entails.
Too much effort
What life would make you happy? Do you see it as being full and busy? Do you see it as coming with a lot of extra responsibility or management? Some people see happiness (and success on any terms) as an incredible hill to climb. That climb, to them, is effort — and when you’ve been perpetually disappointed by life — that much effort becomes a terrifying and unpleasant idea.
Avoiding growth
Growth is hard, and anyone who tells you otherwise is a liar. It takes a lot of time and a lot of experimentation to figure out who we are on the inside. Sometimes, we don’t feel up to that challenge. That’s when the avoidance problems come in. Are you avoiding growth as a person? Putting in the work to heal the pain of the past? Are you shifting outdated beliefs? If you fear becoming something beyond who you are now, you’ll prevent yourself from being happy.
How you can drop the fear and embrace joy.
Have you already taken the important first step of acknowledging your fear? This is a powerful kick-starter to the action we need to course correct our lives. By rebuilding our self-esteem and reshaping the way we see the pursuit of happiness, we can better align ourselves with the people and experiences that bring us greater enjoyment. Chasing our passions, after all, is how we find our way to authentic and lasting happiness.
1. Re-focus your self-esteem
There is little positive change that can be made in our lives without a strong base of self-esteem to work from. This belief in who we are and what we want is core in making it through this brutally short life. Instead of moving through the world insecure and in fear, find the strength to tap into your confidence. From here, you will be able to move toward happiness no matter what hurdles or hardships life throws into your way.
Re-focus on your self-esteem. Start rebuilding the way you see yourself and the confidence you feel around things like pursuing opportunities and relationships. The greater your self-esteem, the greater pleasure you will be able to take in both the big and small moments of your life.
Too many of us deny ourselves happiness because we don’t think we’re worthy of it. Our low self-esteem keeps us trapped and keeps us small. Try a different tactic. Why don’t you try loving yourself and seeing your worth instead? The higher you lift yourself up in esteem, the more you will begin to take joy in the everyday experiences of your everyday life. Instead of hiding in the corner, focus on building yourself up instead. Embrace your strengths and your weaknesses so that you can enjoy the life you’ve got in front of you.
2. Identify sabotaging behavior
What happens when you get close to what you want? Does the thrill motivate you to push harder? Or does the pressure and excitement cause you to panic and push away? Self-sabotaging behavior is so often behind the lack of happiness in our lives. When we get out of our own way, we often find that there are slivers of joy to be had all around. Are you serious about tuning into those things which bring light into your life? Be honest about all the ways you’re keeping yourself from being happy.
Look for the sabotaging behavior that’s holding you back from getting the things you want in life. How are you holding yourself back from happiness? In what ways do you push away the happiness you rightfully deserve? Now is the moment to look for all the little ways to implode and explode the things that are important to you.
Much of this is tied into our self-worth. When your self-worth is lacking, you push things away in the (wrongful) belief that you aren’t deserving of them. In relationships, you may select emotionally unavailable partners that you know you won’t have to commit to. Or, you may push away the right partner with bad behavior that’s meant to prove your low value. It works in other facets of our lives too. Turning down promotions, refusing to pursue our dreams, these are also ways in which we sabotage our happiness.
3. Rewrite your storyline
A lot of miserable people came from miserable people. It’s the only thing they’ve ever known, and the pattern that they’ve set for their lives and their relationships. We don’t have to come from paradise to build it for ourselves, however. We can make a conscious choice to break out of the toxic cycles that keep us miserable and small. Doing this, though, requires more than a belief in self. It requires committing to a major rewrite of your narrative.
Rewrite your storyline. Coming from a place of misery doesn’t mean you can never be happy. You can make the conscious choice to have whatever kind of life you want to lead. While some of us have steeper hills to climb, we can still arrive at the same place: A happy life that’s authentically aligned with our needs.
Make the conscious decision to re-write your personal narrative now. It’s. time for you to make the choice to be a more joyful person with a more joyful life. Move from whatever state was created for you in life. You don’t have to perpetuate the same lifestyles and patterns that your parents did; you can break out of the miserable regimes your friends and loved ones have built for themselves. Drop the games and get real. Who do you want to be? What life do you want to create for yourself?
4. Fill up on positive distractions
It’s time to consider the fact that happiness may be eluding you because you’re not doing what you need to do to bring it into your life. These things don’t come without effort, and they certainly don’t come by standing on the side of the road and waiting for them to appear. You don’t have to wait for happiness to fall into your lap. You can attract into every corner of your existence by filling your life up with positivity and positive distractions.
Stop binging on the negativity all around you and figure out how to fill your life with positive distractions. Happiness is almost transcendental. It can’t be summoned directly — like some straight-to-your-car grocery order. It’s something that comes as a result from finding the right channel to align ourselves with in life.
Get out of your negative mindset and surround yourself with as much positivity and enjoyment as you can. If you’re looking for work, look for a job that you love showing up to every day. Look for good friends who lift you up and see the best in you even when you’re down. Pursue only relationships that bring you fulfillment and mutual respect. Reach out to the world and look for things that spark your interest; things that make you feel good about yourself. Those are the things we should chase in order to bring more happiness into our lives.
5. Chase passion not happiness
The pursuit of happiness. It’s a phrase many of us have heard over-and-over again, but it’s a phrase that many of us misunderstand. Chasing happiness is not the same as pursuing it. When you chase happiness as the end-all and be-all of life, you end up with a future that’s empty. Happiness is not the focus of our pursuit in this life. It’s a result of pursuing the right things in our life.
Stop chasing happiness and start chasing your passions instead. Happiness itself should never be our goal. It should come as a result of accomplishing the goals that bring us confidence and positivity. Shift the way you see the pursuit of this ultimate joy.
Look for the people, places, and things that interest you and stir your curiosity. Instead of filling your time obsessively questioning what will make you happy — fill your life with people who make you smile, and experiences that allow you to feel rewarded for the effort and the time that you put in. When you make happiness, the primary goal of whatever you’re doing, you put a lot of pressure on yourself (and whatever opportunity you’re focusing on).
Putting it all together…
Are you struggling to find lasting happiness in your life? We are told to chase happiness from a very young age. Often in this pursuit, though, we lose sight of everything that actually brings fulfillment and joy. In the process, fear takes the wheel and we find ourselves totally alienated from a genuinely happy life. If you’re serious about creating a future you value, then you need to accept that your fear of happiness is holding you back. Then you can take action and make changes that matter to your future.
Re-focus on your self-esteem and rebuild the way you see yourself and your relationships in the world at large. To be truly happy, we have to love ourselves and believe in the things we want to pursue. Look for sabotaging behaviors that are holding you back from the opportunities you value. We are often the biggest obstacle getting in the way of our own happiness. Re-write your story line and know you have a right to break the patterns of misery that have kept you stuck and miserable. Fill your life up with positive distractions; people who make you smile, and experiences that make you feel good. Happiness isn’t the end goal. It’s what comes when we align ourselves with people and lifestyles that match our values and our needs. Get to the core of who you are and pursue your passions. Lasting happiness will come as a result of a full life well-lived.
- Sansone, R., Wiederman, M., & McLean, J. (2008). The Relationship between Childhood Trauma and Medically Self-Sabotaging Behaviors among Psychiatric Inpatients. The International Journal Of Psychiatry In Medicine, 38(4), 469–479. doi: 10.2190/pm.38.4.f
- Joshanloo, M. (2013). The influence of fear of happiness beliefs on responses to the satisfaction with life scale. Personality And Individual Differences, 54(5), 647–651. doi: 10.1016/j.paid.2012.11.011