You Have To Be Fearless and Feel Worthy To Love Again

These are two very important things you’ll need if you want to move forward to a new relationship.

When I went through a divorce I remember how I felt like a failure. I felt vacant, empty and spiritually drained. When you’re torn with the feeling that you couldn’t live up to what you needed to be and your spouse wasn’t who you thought they were. That can be a hard pill to swallow. I’m not writing this to focus on my divorce. It’s more about what happens in the aftermath.

I’ve observed many of my exes jump into relationships right after one ends and it’s always seemed odd to me. I’ve had a history of being with women who entered into new relationships quickly after me and my marriage was probably the pinnacle of that.

It’s shocking how fast she moved on and I wasn’t prepared for that. When I became more enlightened and accountable I started paying attention to the beginning of most my relationships. Many of those same women just left their men/husbands to start romances with me so what about those guys ?

Did I have empathy for them? How did I think it would end for me? I’m not special because what they did to them they did the same to me. Hey it doesn’t matter that’s just wisdom for the way.

An important lesson that I’ve learned from just living life is that I have to focus on the tools that I need to move forward so that we can have a healthy relationship. So instead of me dwelling within the intricate refrain of love and pain I'm ready to grow and move forward so I can be open to love again.

Feel worthy

I went through a season where being alone became very comfortable. I never wanted to leave. Like a butterfly inside a cocoon or a baby in the darkness of a mother’s womb everything outside of my safe bubble was dangerous.

I became paranoid, cynical and skeptical of any kind of friendship or love interest because I felt like every woman was fickle, selfish and had an agenda. Most of them didn’t have my best interest in mind so I’ll just keep living this reclusive existence and work on my dreams. It’s amazing how we can create a prison for ourselves and don’t even realize it.

The women I tried to build something with after my marriage I probably wasn’t even ready for. There was something in my subconscious that kept sabotaging it.

Anyone that would get close to me I would just push away. Maybe it was a defense mechanism or maybe I had became a defeated pessimist by believing that my lady would eventually change up on me. So why even bother? I’m not trying to play the victim instead I'm exposing how you can descend into a scarcity mindset after rejection and disappointment.

I’m not even just talking about relationships in the past. I’m talking about the one that I’m currently in. Sometimes I wonder how in the hell is she even still with me because I used to find things to argue about to break up. Whenever we have a big fight I figure oh well this is going to be it. This the end beautiful friend. If you caught that last line I’m a big fan of that band. If it went over your head don’t worry about it.

It wasn’t the end. She’s still around. I’m not going to lie some days I think wow you’re still here? I guess some people actually like to hang in there huh? I’m not trying to be dramatic but I really don’t understand a woman staying after a huge argument. It feels like a new experience for me.

I ask her sometimes why did you stay? Why do you what you do? I don’t understand. Who sent you? She says “ It’s because I love you”. “ We’re meant for each other”. Hey, that’s all I should need right? Well it’s a great start. When someone says those 3 words and they mean them you’ll also see the fruit of that popular phrase.

The revelation on her sticking around after our heated discussions is even if we have exchanges like that it shows that she cares. I’ve dealt with with so much indifference and coldness in the past I recently realized how normal and healthy arguments can be. Oh the irony.

While driving to work I was listening to Tyler Perry being interviewed and he said it was a point in his life where he had to feel worthy of success and good things happening for him. For a long time I didn’t feel worthy of success or a partner in life.

I’m starting to feel worthy now. I feel worthy to let this woman love me. I feel worth to love her. It’s crazy to me that I actually fought and tried to block that. She's a warrior for love.

Be Fearless

I believe when you’re open to romance/falling in love you have to be courageous and brave. When she showed consistent interest in me I was afraid. When I began to get feelings for her I was terrified. Every time I have to come outside of my comfort zone I don’t like it.

I feel anxious but the great lesson for me was that abundance is waiting for me on the other side of my emptiness. Beautiful things are beyond fear and the unknown. The unknown makes me nervous. I felt like I could control the space that I was in. Here in the now.

That’s delusional because we have control of very little. We only can control how we react to things. Life happens. Did I think that I would just hide in the darkness and think her light wouldn’t find me?

She’s a miracle and so is everything that we’re building. I couldn’t even imagine seeing this coming. I guess I thought that I was powerful enough to control not having any feelings for a woman. Who do I think I am? No matter how tough us men think we are women will always capture our hearts.

They balance us. I guess I wanted to be grounded in “reality”. What is reality though? Maybe reality is having that dream girl that I’ve always wanted. Maybe reality is having that soulmate that’s consistently dedicated to us growing together. Maybe reality it’s her believing in me and believing in us.

This is my destiny and I can’t do nothing about it so I’ll just keep flowing with the current of life. There was a moment this year I was walking and I had a gust of joy that overtook me. I thought to myself what happens if I stop fighting this? Who knows. Maybe it’ll actually work out this time.

Most of my exes have moved on and some are even happily married. So why do I keep punishing myself? I deserve happiness too right? I had to give myself permission to love and be loved. I tell you one thing I used to be so quick to bungee jump with women who talked a good game but never delivered.

If I can do that for them well I can skydive out of a plane for someone who has been honorable, consistent, encouraging and has added real value to my life. She shows up everyday and I’m grateful for her.

We’re on an adventure of peaks and valleys. I do foresee more highs and summits. When we both get to the top of our Everest I hope we never come down because we’ve come so far. We’ll be looking down at the clouds and we’ll be eye level with the stars.