You Don’t Really Want a Good Man
You Just Want Someone to Bang You Hard and Give You a Little Attention
Hey, I understand. I can guarantee you that men are good with that notion. But we would like something too — a lot less talking and a lot more banging…(use the best word for the most emphasis where I used the word banging!)
You don’t even have to fix us a sandwich. If you’d banged a little more often, we would get along just fine. But in exchange for the banging, men are more than happy to give you more of the attention you desire.
Here’s a tip for the perfect marriage, and I want to share it through this very short story. Are you ready?
I once knew a woman named Valerie from upstate New York. She was 200 percent out of my league. I was a snot-nosed freshman in high school and she was one of the rock stars of our mega-high school. She was the kind of woman a boy like me could only dream about, and believe me, I was no sluff. But she knew she was ‘all that’ and everyone else in her stratosphere knew it as well. I had NO shot.
But one day, 20 years or so later, we happened upon a conversation and the next thing you know, after cultivating a telephone relationship based on the memories of our high school years, I bought her a plane ticket to my little city, where she arrived at my one-bedroom, single-level house. It was a place where I parked my two BMWs slanted on the grass. I was recently divorced.
She was still as beautiful as I remembered her from 20 years ago, albeit slightly heavier and 20 years older. But it was still Valerie and she was still top shelf. We wasted no time. For the next two and a half days, we banged non-stop. It was the most incredible two days of my life up until that point.
I remember we stopped long enough to eat and make a few bathroom pit stops, but all in all, it was a bang fest. By the second day, I told her, “Listen, it makes no sense that you came (operative word) all the way out here and don’t get to see this beautiful city.
I lived in Hampton, Va., and Buckroe Beach was right down the street from my house. I told her to let’s just take a break and get out to get some fresh air. Now, you must remember, Valerie is now 20 years older, so she probably would have been fine with anything I suggested. I wanted to be true to her for the distance she had traveled.
We went to the beach and got there in no time. We got out of the car and walked close enough to hear the faint roar of the waves and the hint of salt in the water. If you’ve ever been to Buckroe Beach, you know there aren’t many waves happening, but it’s a very nice family-oriented place. Think ‘JAWS’ but with no sharks.
I looked at her. She looked at me. “Had enough,” I asked. “Yeap!” She replied. And it was back to the car and back to the house. We headed straight for my bedroom. Not counting parking and walking, we were on the beach for about a full three minutes.
After I dropped Valerie off back at the airport and waved goodbye to her, I felt like my life’s mantra was solidified.
‘No doesn’t mean no. It just means not right now.’
So, my tip for married people is to hump until you are raw. Believe me, the rawness will recover. As you age, your desire for such things will drift away, so enjoy it while you can.
If you are single, I hope you can find the ‘Valerie’ of your life. Track her down and explore the past. Some may not be receptive, but I bet you there’s one or two of them out there that are wondering where is their (insert your name here.)
About the author
Julius Evans has a Master of Arts degree in National Security and Strategic Studies from the U.S. Naval War College, Newport, RI; a Master of Arts degree in Strategic Communication and Leadership from Seton Hall University, South Orange, NJ; a Bachelor of Science degree in Mass Communication and Journalism from City University, Bellevue, WA and an Associate of Arts degree in Liberal Studies from Central Texas College, Killeen, Texas.
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