You don’t owe anybody forgiveness
People push forgiveness like it's some sort of answer to healing. It’s not.
I feel like “forgiveness” is one of those words that most people can’t really define, but they push it anyway because it’s a simple solution to your complicated feelings. When something horrible happens, in the aftermath, the victims are always told to “forgive” the perpetrator so that they can move on. I happen to disagree with this.
There’s the laymen’s understanding of “forgiveness” and the psychological meaning for it, as well as the Christian interpretation of it, and then the dictionary definition. It does not all align and it just depends on who you’re talking to. I really think “forgiveness” needs to be relabeled.
The Christian or religious definition of it seems to be some sort of absolution for sinners/perpetrators and provides no justice at all for victims. Something like “Timmy, forgive Father Patrick for touching your boy bits. He’s sorry. Five Hail Marys. Done. Brunch, anyone?”
Look, sometimes, you just need to be angry. People are so quick to push you to not be angry because your anger makes them uncomfortable, but dammit, be angry. What happened to you is absolutely shitty and you are allowed to feel it, all of it, every moment of rage.
But here’s the caveat. You need to feel that rage and that anger in a healthy way. You need to let it flow through you. You need to acknowledge it and work past it so that you can get to that vulnerable place and embrace your hurt. And you need to be in a safe place to do so. Don’t let your anger cripple you. The only way to not wallow in it is to acknowledge it, to feel it, and to get through it to the other side.
But you still don’t owe anybody forgiveness.
You can heal perfectly well, move on with your life, and not forgive the toxic people who have hurt you. Letting them go into the past and keeping them there doesn’t take “forgiveness” like some sort of absolution for their sins. Some sins are so grievous, they can never be absolved.
But you are allowed to move past it. Learn from it. Embrace your pain and move on. It is not the same thing as forgiving.
Forgiving carries this sense of absolving the other person, like “I forgive you” as though I’m going to be the better person. Me, personally, I don’t need to be “the better” person. I just need to leave that loser ass in the past. I don’t need to “forgive” them either because I know they haven’t changed and likely never will, but I can allow for them to no longer haunt my life. I can choose to move on and put it behind me.
This task of “forgiveness” is a labor for the victim, not the perpetrator. It is more work placed on victims to somehow “forgive” the other person.
Look, sometimes, people do really horrible things to other people that will always bring pain when those memories are triggered no matter how much time has passed. “Forgiveness,” even under the psychological definition, means that we’re supposed to be past that pain. Well, coming from a person who has a healthy share of PTSD, some of that pain never really goes away. You just learn to cope with it, to not let it get to you as much, and to keep moving past and not to allow it to haunt your every waking hour like it used to.
And frankly, some people don’t deserve forgiveness. Sometimes, it is good to remember that pain and those lessons so that we don’t slip back into it. Complacency and this false sense of “oh, it’s completely behind me and I don’t even think about it and it never hurts me anymore” is perhaps more toxic than accepting the fact that there are some wounds that will never 100% heal and that it is a part of us and we must take care of it.
Such a large part of healing is embracing our pain. It is not only acknowledging it but realizing that it is a part of us now and we must care for it like fine china that we’ve glued back together. And sometimes, that doesn’t leave room for “forgiveness” because we must use the fierceness from the lessons we’ve learned to ensure that we’re protected.
This doesn’t mean we’re ruled by anger or hurt. This doesn’t mean that we allow ourselves to be controlled by poison anymore. In fact, it’s the opposite. It is taking hurt and turning it into fire. It is taking weakness and brokenness and turning it into focus. It is taking broken trust and turning it into power.
Saying “I forgive you” sounds so trite and hollow to me in a lot of instances, especially at how those words are thrown around in mainstream conversations. It’s trite because it feels expected. It feels like it’s said without full understanding of what it actually means.
If we go by the definition of forgiveness, it means to stop feeling angry for an offense. I’m sorry, but for the rest of my life, I don’t think I can ever not be angry about being raped and betrayed by someone I trusted. I can never not be angry and disgusted when my pedophile cousin’s name is mentioned. I can never forgive the callousness of these two men. I will never not be irked about the injustice of it all. It doesn’t rule me anymore but it’ll always be there, a part of me I can’t deny, and no amount of “forgiveness” can take it away.
Frankly, forgiveness isn’t for everyone, and you can still live a healthy, happy life without giving it. The only thing you owe yourself is figuring out how to move on.
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