You Don’t Need to Be More Masculine to Attract Women: Bad Advice From Dating Experts
Social media is ruining the fabric of society.
I’m getting really tired of all the pseudo-psychologists of social media, with and without degrees, telling everybody they need to adhere more strongly to the gender they were assigned at birth as if they’re afraid we’ll all run to the other side.
Calm down, experts, that’s not how this works.
Men grew up with the idea that the more masculine you are and the less you show emotion, the more of a man you are.
And the moment modern times dared to cut men some slack and allow them to be vulnerable and human, that’s when everybody started screaming that men need to be more masculine.
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The same goes for women. The moment they started to gain some socio-economic power women were advised to get back to being more feminine, as if making money is unlady-like.
Gender roles, however, are much more socially ascribed, than internally generated.
If you’re not a tough lumberjack who can pull a tractor through the forest while scratching his messy beard, don’t worry, you’re still a man. You don’t need to be more of a man than you already are in order to be successful in business or personal life.
Women won’t love you more if your beard is thicker. They will love you more if you treat them well (shocking, I know).
Plus, what’s considered masculine and feminine is not set in stone, and it changes with every generation.
At one point in history (a long point in history, up until the 18th century), it was the height of masculinity to wear heels and make-up. These items were not only worn by men but especially made for them.
Today if I guy wears the slightest amount of make-up he’s shamed for being ‘a girl’, forgetting that in the 80s, for example, the hottest and most popular male celebrities wore liner thicker than Amy Winehouse. I’m looking at you, MJ, Prince, and Bowie.
It’s not about masculinity and femininity, it’s about fashion and trends!
Just the other day one of my colleagues laughed at another for having a pink T-shirt on. Apparently pink is not manly enough. Why not, I wonder? It’s just a color.
In the 1800s, royals and men in positions of power wore pink to distinguish themselves from the crowd and show their authority.
‘An old school man like me wouldn’t be caught dead in such a feminine color.’
Old school?! More old school than 10th-century Persian soldiers who wore heels to help them keep their shoes in their stirrups? How far back do we need to go? Are the Roman Empire tunics manly enough for you old-school gentlemen?
Men, wear pink if you feel like it. Wear robes, wear tunics, wear lipstick. Wear whatever you want, it’s your body, your life and you are a man no matter what you wear!
The same goes for women who are shamed for not being feminine enough. Excuse me, but how feminine do I need to be? If I wear pants am I still a woman? Why? It wasn’t allowed until 100 years ago, in 1923, when the attorney general declared it was OK for women to wear pants in public.
What about my personality? Can I swear, can I have political ambitions, can I play chess with the old men in the park?
This huge push to make men more masculine (but only as masculine as the times allow) is nothing but another move to put people back in their place, keep them in line, and curb their free spirit.
There is no masculinity and femininity that we should all adhere to and no one should be shamed for being less than.
If we are to quantify, how masculine should men be? Where’s the limit? Because for sure some people take it to the extreme. Andrew Tate shaved his head, put on muscle and dark glasses, and yells every time he’s interviewed.
Is that manly? Some people think it is and are trying to copy his example, hoping that this increase in masculinity will ensure future success in business and with women.
I beg to differ. Women swoon over sweet, quiet, and non-flashy men like Pedro Pascal, not over fake show-offs men like Tate. To tell you the truth, I’ve yet to hear of a woman who finds him attractive. The same goes for Rogan, for that matter.
And it’s not that women don’t like masculinity or the traits that go under the masculine umbrella at one point or another.
It’s just that… loud mouths with over-inflated egos are not what women consider attractive, whether they’re masculine or not.
Here’s an example.
Benny* is a stand-up guy. But he has very low self-esteem and a crippling fear of failure that permeates his every decision. So he doesn’t make any.
When he dates, Benny leaves his partner to make all the decisions. She gets to choose the restaurant, the days when they can meet, the movies to watch, the snacks for the movie, everything.
Nobody dated Benny for longer than 3 months. It’s exhausting to be with him. Decision fatigue is a real thing.
Making decisions day in and day out — whether they are as easy as picking a route home from work or as difficult as choosing a new career — can be draining and cause people to feel overwhelmed, anxious, or stressed.
Who needs that when dating? Isn’t it supposed to be fun?
‘But I let her choose because whatever she wants to do is ok with me. Why wouldn’t she like that?’
‘She would like that for a while, but it’s draining for anybody to have to organize every little meeting for herself and her partner. She never gets to relax. Dating you is work for her, relaxation for you. If choosing is so easy, why don’t you do it?’
He suddenly pouted.
‘She just has to choose some movies…’
‘You just have to choose some movies too, Benny.’
In this case, a lot of ill-informed dating experts would tell Benny that he needs to be more masculine and take charge of the relationship, like a man!
Benny’s trauma, however, will prevent him from taking charge and masculinity has nothing to do with it. Making decisions and choosing restaurants is neither masculine nor feminine. Most character traits aren’t unless we label them as such.
Does Benny need to be more masculine? No! He needs to work on himself and step out of his trauma one small step at a time. Easier said than done? Certainly. Desperately needed? Absolutely!
You don’t need to be more masculine. You don’t need to be more feminine either. You don’t need to take to heart every little bit of bad advice regurgitated by social media fake experts who just want to take your money and capitalize on your time and attention.
If there’s something that would benefit you, and all of us, for that matter, is to become a better version of you.
Masculinity or femininity has very little to do with that.
