You Don’t Need More Time to Let Go
Does ‘time heals’ give us the green light to accumulate baggage?
Time isn’t the only answer to emotional healing.
Sometimes I have heard it takes time, or time heals all wounds in regards to dealing with a breakup, loss, or traumatizing event.
I’ve personally received this advice when it’s quite obvious that problems don’t just go away on their own.
Time superficially negates some of our suffering, but, the hurt is still there — waiting to express itself.
Therefore, I see a huge problem with this advice… Time heals all wounds. It means well, but if you take this concept literally, you will be at a disadvantage in your life the longer you stuff down your problems.
Why does this concept conflict with reality?
If anyone ever tells you they have ‘worked on themselves’, be skeptical.
Emotional trauma is intangible, and the body doesn’t have an automatic mechanism to deal with it.
An event that happened in the past is just that — the past. Even if the physical evidence is gone, something that happened a decade ago could still be influencing you indirectly.
It’s the smaller, insignificant traumas that accumulate over time that affect us as well. Not just the major life events.
Personal story
At the end of 2022, my fiance and I split up right before our wedding. We lived together, and our lives were well intertwined. Needless to say, it wasn’t easy for either of us.
While we lived together for the last month, she and I talked about dating new people. She had a timeline for her feelings. She was certain that it would be 1 to 2 years before she was even interested in dating again.
How do you quantify, or apply a timeline to the pain you have to deal with?
Unless you’re working with a trained therapist, there isn’t a specific timeline for when things will ‘be okay’.
What you’re doing is passing the responsibility into the realm of Someday. You won’t be free of your suffering until you’ve decided you are ready to be free of it.
Why it’s costly to hold onto residual trauma
Anything you resist will linger and pester you at the worst moments.
It’s what happens when you get ‘triggered’. These moments are when your emotions control you, rather than you regulating them yourself.
When you don’t confront your problems, by nature, you are not solution-focused.
This is how you repeat mistakes. You are not conscious or aware of your behavior.
You might even make an excuse for yourself. An excuse to go back to what’s comfortable.
There are several methods for processing emotions
The how to ‘letting go’ is less important than just doing it.
You can:
- Journal
- Talk it out
- Practice mindfulness meditation
As long as you fully experience your feelings, it doesn’t matter too much.
Fundamentally, you can’t suppress how you feel about a particular situation. Sometimes it’s not an overnight process.
There’s a fine line between letting go and letting the pain consume you.
When there’s a lot of pain to process there’s a potential trap you can fall into. It’s frighteningly easy to create an identity out of your suffering. You usually don’t realize it either until it’s too late.
I accidentally did this myself.
For 6 to 7 months after my breakup, I had too much time on my hands. Wallowing in my self-pity, I created a new image for myself. I saw myself as a lonely, defeated individual without a purpose in life.
I knew I had to do something. I couldn’t continue to live this way if I ever wanted my life situation to get better. You can only invest your energy into a few things at a time.
You can’t build a new, better life when you are spending all of your time grieving. Sometimes enough is enough, and it’s time to move on.
In essence, you have two choices: confront the darkness, or let it run your life in whatever way it sees fit.
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