You Don’t Need Dating Apps To Find “The One”
Quit for good and start making connections with people.
Let’s be real: dating apps suck.
And it’s not because I’ve personally had no luck at all with them.
In a technology-driven world, it makes sense that the fastest way to do so is to sign up for one (or more) of these platforms, create a stellar profile, and hope that at some point someone finds you interesting. Between carefully chosen words and pictures that put you in the best possible light that you can think of, the whole strategy sounds more formulated and contrived.
Before I heard of eHarmony, Tinder, and PlentyOfFish, it came down to being able to talk to someone you fancied. I personally never got to that part for various reasons.
Mostly because I thought girls weren’t into fat men. That, and I was socially awkward.
But the point is that the “old school” methods were actually pretty solid. They don’t involve having to pay subscription fees or talking to bots to make you use your credit card on multiple cam girl or porn websites all to “someday meet them.”
And perhaps going back to those old-school methods would be a good idea for you too.
They’re Not What They’re Chalked Up To Be
Of course, what I mentioned above was based on my own experiences, and you can be suspicious of them. I’m not exactly the sexiest man alive or have an incredible amount of charisma.
It’s to be expected that the only women I get into conversations with are either bots or people who might’ve shown their interest and lost it in a short amount of time.
But I’m not an isolated case, and the platforms themselves aren’t what they’re presented to be. Take Tinder, where a study found that a lot of the signups stemmed from media and peer hype. And once people signed up, what was more thrilling to users was the act of getting matches.
Out of those who were looking for a genuine relationship or a quick hookup represented 8.9 percent of all signups.
In other words, Tinder is a place where we get more of a rush from feeling wanted than from having sex. And the irony of all this is that a lot of Tinder profiles talk about how they’re not there for casual sex but are looking for serious relationships or connections.
Yeah, sure.
Maybe your experience is different on the platform. Maybe you got lucky and met some genuine people and made some good connections through them. If that’s the case, there’s nothing wrong with continuing.
But a lot of people can’t say they have the same experience there or on other platforms either. Even the ones that are so adamant about setting you up with the right partner. To so many on dating apps, all of this is a game or a trend to follow.
Focus On Bringing Networks Together
Every Thursday I attend a meeting online where a group of small business owners talk about how we can help one another with our businesses. It’s a lovely group of people, but the purpose is that with each passing week, we all pass along information about who our ideal client is as well as a little about ourselves and our business.
The reason we go about this is simple.
While some of the people in these meetings may want our services, the goal is for them to go back to their own networks and bring us business from there.
We’re building trust amongst ourselves as business owners by referring people we know to those same people.
In a sense, blind dates can work in a similar fashion.
When you’re connecting with someone, you’re not just connecting with that one person. There are many other people who are connected to that one individual that you could possibly meet.
The other important thing about blind dates is that they don’t need to be extensive or overly romantic. I remember when I got to college, my dad stressed to me that if you want to get to know someone, just ask them out for a cup of coffee.
It’s good in any friend situation, as that’s what I’m generally doing with my business network. But I know this was his way of nudging me to possibly find a girlfriend. All in all, it’s a good strategy, as these one-on-ones are more neutral and people can leave at any time. It’s a different story when the first date is meant to be this hour- or two-hour-long encounter.
And it gets especially awkward if in the first 10 minutes you’re really not into the person.
Try Cold Approaches
This strategy often gets a bad rep, as we can easily associate it with corny pick-up lines, sexual harassment, and leaving people wondering whether what they’re saying is appropriate. And that’s totally understandable.
We live in a society where technology is something that we depend on these days. I can attest to our overdependence on it, which leads to us struggling to interact with people on a regular basis.
It’s much easier to talk to people behind a screen than it is in real life.
And when it comes to asking someone out or engaging with potential partners, this gets even harder. Not only do you need to summon the courage to do so, but the risk of bungling up the conversation is high.
We’re not used to talking the way that we used to decades ago. Technology has made our lives convenient, but it’s dampened other aspects of our lives. It’s easier to listen to audio books or play on our phones than it is to talk with a stranger while waiting in line or sitting in a bus or train.
This is all the more reason to try this in the first place. Like with anything, your initial attempts are going to be awkward and difficult. You’re going to feel stupid, foolish, or a goof for saying certain things.
But it gets easier over time. Paying attention to how someone reacts can help you decide what to say and what not to say. And eventually you can begin to explain your quirks and speech patterns.
Or, you know, work to change them.
In the end, asking someone out eventually feels natural. And even if you get rejected for various reasons, you still walk away feeling better because you took that risk.
Saying Yes To Different Things
From networking to meeting romantic partners, going out to different events is a sound strategy. Usually a lot of this advice boils down to merely agreeing to things more often, and that doesn’t really change all that much.
If you end up in the same place day after day, you’re not going to be meeting that many new people.
It works in "How I Met Your Mother" because it’s a TV show. There has to be plot progression. If you show up to the same bar day after day, chances are you’re going to run into the same faces but not a whole lot of different ones.
Your world view begins to expand when you get into different social scenes and social places. The more you focus on those particular areas of your life, the more you’ll meet different people.
The problem with the internet today is that we’re conditioned to think that sticking to the same area is a good thing. In social media, our groups are more of an echo chamber and not so different from how we think and what we believe in. As soon as you work to make a difference in who you spend time with and go to different settings, that bubble pops.
It’s all the more reason to get different hobbies and to discover new passions.
Adopting A Different Brand Of Patience
A lot of dating articles will talk about patience, but ultimately, it’s a knee-jerk reaction to what’s happening, and everyone does it. We’re told so many times that “the one” is just around the corner or that they’ll show up eventually.
It’s not a good piece of advice to offer.
And saying that you should work on yourself while you’re waiting is not better. It’ll help for the first little bit, especially if a relationship ended terribly, but if the problem is that you’re not even getting to a steady relationship, then “being patient” or “work on yourself” is useless.
Instead, you need to come up with your own brand of “be patient.”
What immediately comes to my mind is asking yourself questions:
How much effort are you putting into meeting different people every day?
How involved are you in the community?
And most importantly, do you really need a partner? Is this a true desire or an expectation that someone else put you on?
That’s not to say you should never look for someone. But when our desires don’t match up with our actions, it’s important to ask why and how you can turn that around. Giving yourself time and space to do that helps.
The problem with online dating apps and websites is that they present themselves as a game. Each notification sends a shot of dopamine and keeps you coming back again and again. You get hooked on it, and then you start paying money to those platforms to get slight advantages to ensure you get a steady stream of notifications.
Even when those messages don’t end up with anything developing or the person ghosts you.
This is a huge problem because the one thing we shouldn’t try to optimize or gameify is social interaction. There’s no quick short-cut or “hack” to find the love of your life. We shouldn’t have to optimize pictures or carefully craft our biographies.
What matters in the end is getting in front of people, talking to them, and building a social connection. The more people you’re able to do that with and get along with, the more you’ll excel in this area.
Dating apps and social media overall can help a little with that, but they shouldn’t be the main focus. It often is because so many of our lives are fast-paced that this is presented as a convenient solution.
But relationships, intimate or otherwise, are never convenient. They’re like trees. It takes time and energy to grow, but once you do, it’s the sturdiest and most reliable thing in your life.
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