You Don’t Have To, You Choose To

A lesson in the driving force behind motivation

I usually love taking my dog, Copernicus, for a walk. On this particular evening, though, I didn’t want to go. The rain lashed at the windows. The wind howled, and Copernicus looked at me soulfully as if to say, “I still need to go for a short one, Mom.” I put on my boots, thinking I had to take him, and it was a drag.

Then, I remembered a lesson I learned a while ago and had overlooked. I recalled a passage in a book about nonviolent communication by Marshal Rosenberg (founder of the nonviolent communication movement).

Rosenberg suggested readers recognize they had choices, even when they didn’t initially see them. He talked about reflecting on the jobs they carried out that they found less than joyful to uncover their benefits.

The idea was to realize that people sometimes tell themselves they must do stuff they dislike, and the belief that they have no choice disempowers them.

His realization made sense.

I recalled the times I had overheard parents attempting to get their kids to do things they didn’t want to do and how those kids dug in their heels, cried, and had tantrums. No matter our age, none of us like doing things we imagine we’re forced to do.

Choices can empower you

Writing for Psychology Today, behavioral psychologist Susan Weinschenk, PhD., says, “If you want people to do stuff, give them options.” The same goes for when we want to motivate ourselves. Recognizing we have choices empowers and encourages us, giving us a sense of control.

The crux of whether we feel motivated is not that we want multiple choices, though. Too many options can overwhelm us. We want to know we’ve chosen to do a job rather than been forced. Sometimes, we engage in chores for unhelpful reasons that take the spring out of our step.

For example, imagine you think you should visit your cousin out of obligation. You don’t fancy visiting. But you know that you’ll feel guilty if you don’t go. You might face disgruntlement from your family and be put to shame.

Telling yourself the story about how you must pay her a visit and the dire consequences of not visiting reduces your enthusiasm. You could see the task as a burden.

Another example might be when you go to work, and your primary motivation is money. You’ll likely be unhappy if you don’t experience meaning or joy when working (and believe you’re stuck at the office for financial purposes). You may experience your job as toil.

Most people have been in a similar situation at some point, and there’s nothing wrong with working to pay your bills. Nonetheless, you may not want to go to work without added positive qualities like enjoyment and the belief you’re doing something worthwhile.

Having to do stuff kills your motivation

The belief you have no choice other than to do things can take the joy out of experiences and kill your motivation. Kevin Ngo, reporting for Motivational Wellbeing, highlights having weak desire as a primary factor in a lack of enthusiasm. He says, “You can have goals, but if your desire to achieve them is weak, any number of things can discourage you.”

For example, picture yourself outside a candy store when you want to lose weight. Your desire to drop pounds and inches may be half-hearted, and your wish to eat candy may be more significant. If so, walking by the store without going in will be challenging. You’ll resent your goal and may want to rebel.

Also, sometimes, we might feel forced to do a task because someone else wants us to do it. Let’s say. For the sake of illustration, you’re a kid, and your mom wants you to tidy your bedroom, but she hasn’t explained why.

You can’t see she wants you to learn how to care for your belongings and create a supportive living environment. Instead, you imagine you’re being manipulated, ruled over, and deprived, so the odds you’ll want to keep your room ship-shape are low.

Your motivation might grow if your mom describes the benefits of tidying your room and asks how you feel about having neater surroundings. You might recognize that having an organized, clean bedroom would make life easier and more pleasant.

Rosenberg proposed that readers identify why they do stuff

Weak motivation could stem from not clarifying your reasons for doing things. Indeed, Rosenberg mentions the importance of remembering your ”why.” When wanting to lose weight, recognizing a desire to become healthier might spur you on.

Investigating your intentions further, you may want to live longer and be fit enough to play with your grandchildren. This discovery might be just what you need to increase your enthusiasm.

When I began practicing tai chi, I was happy and enjoyed exercising. After a while, though, I often forgot my goal to practice daily. I remembered sporadically and didn’t benefit that much. Everything changed once I applied Rosenberg’s idea about uncovering my reasons for exercising.

I identified that I wanted to retain my balance and be supple as I grew older. I also loved the meditative effects of tai chi and the calmness it instilled. These insights (my whys) became the driving forces behind my developing a regular, beneficial practice.

Rosenberg proposed readers list the reasons they wanted to change their habits or achieve other types of goals. Looking at what prompted them to act would show them the value of doing so, or lack of it in some cases. Armed with such knowledge, they could increase their motivation or refine their goals to align with their greatest wishes and needs.

Rosenberg gives a personal example of how he hated writing clinical reports. He considered why he produced them, and his discoveries sparked positive change, only not in the direction you might imagine.

He realized the reports were of little value to his clients and didn’t make him enough money to justify continuing to write them. Thus, he quit! Sometimes, our reasons for doing stuff don’t validate continuing with them. Stopping the reports provided Rosenberg with relief, time, and freedom.

However, we often strive to achieve goals because accomplishing our aims will improve our lives. Uncovering our “whys” can transform our outlook and support our endeavors.

How to identify your “why”

It helps to ask a few revealing questions to identify why you do things. These are the points I consider when I want to boost my motivation:

One: What do I want to achieve by engaging in the task?

Two: How will life improve when I reach my aim?

Three: What will happen if I don’t accomplish my goal?

Four: How can I make doing the task enjoyable?

For example, imagine I need to wash the dishes but need more enthusiasm for the job. After considering the questions, I may realize I want to get the dirty dishes out of the way.

Washing them will make the environment fresher and more attractive. It will also mean I have clean dishes ready when I want to use them.

If I don’t wash them, they’ll pile up, look messy, and be unhygienic.

I can make the task enjoyable by turning it into a meditation. I might appreciate the warm, soapy water on my hands and pay attention to appreciating the bright, transparent bubbles. To increase my pleasure, I could switch on the radio and sing along to songs, too.

Motivation increases with dopamine

We feel most motivated when we genuinely want to do things and see their benefits. The driving force underlying motivation, however, isn’t intellectual understanding. Only recognizing gaining a qualification, completing a chore, or taking up a healthy habit is good for us doesn’t always encourage us enough to take action.

But dopamine often does the trick. The output of dopamine, a feel-good brain chemical, increases when we develop positive emotions behind our plans to do things.

Reporting in the National Library of Medicine, researchers Mark E. Walton and Sebastien Bouret discuss the Relationship between Dopamine and Effort. After examining various studies, they conclude that dopamine likely plays a crucial role in motivating actions based on expectations of future benefits.

If they are correct, so is Rosenberg. Knowing why you want to do stuff (making sure you have good reasons and feel terrific about them) can raise your dopamine levels to support you.

Hence, when you want motivation to do specific jobs, you could focus on their benefits, including emotional payoffs. Understand the outcomes you desire to achieve and consider how they will improve your life and fulfill your needs. Doing so will increase your happy hormone production and give you a sense of purpose that turns work into play.

When I remembered Rosenberg’s idea to examine why I was about to walk my dog, Copernicus, my attitude changed. I realized I wanted to support his health and well-being because he was my responsibility and my chum.

It was vital for him to exercise, socialize, and do the other things dogs need to do during walks. His needs crossed over with mine since, as long as I wanted him to be healthy and happy, I needed to support him.

I looked down at his little expressive face, attached his lead to his collar, and headed out into the stormy conditions. No amount of rain could dampen my spirits now. I had my best pal by my side, and caring for his needs despite the weather warmed my heart.