You Don’t Have to Explain Yourself

Use everyday experiences to strengthen your boundaries

A few days ago, I ran into a man I hadn’t seen for a while.

I’ll call him “Tom.”

After we sorted out our correct names and exchanged a few niceties, he asked me:

“Do you have to wear sunglasses inside?”

“No,” I said followed by a pause.

Then I added, “It helps with glare.”

He responded, “I’ve never worn sunglasses. I look at the sun.”

“I know that can be a spiritual practice,” I returned.

By the way, don’t try that without proper instruction. You could seriously damage your eyes.

I added again, “I had cataract surgery and my eyes are more sensitive to glare.”

He inquired about my cataract surgery. Shortly thereafter, I pulled away to continue shopping.

I wanted to avoid the full-on lecture about the evils of sunglasses.

The conversation replayed in my head as I drove home. I felt annoyed about the exchange. I wondered why.

So I dug a little deeper. A wounded place in me had been triggered—the inner child who feels she can’t do anything right.

I had jumped right in to explain and justify my behavior as if wearing sunglasses in a store violates a serious rule.

I asked myself, “What could I have said to Tom instead?”

• “Why are you asking? Does it bother you?”
• “I don’t need to explain myself.”
• “Ask a different question.”

In one way, I’m curious how he would have responded to any of the above.

On the other hand, I don’t want to play this game with him. It’s hard to win with intrusive people who have an agenda.

I don’t want to engage in one-up conversations where there’s a winner and a loser, one person who knows best and one who’s presumed clueless.

I wasn’t wearing my sunglasses in the store for any particular reason. I just skipped the trouble of taking them off and placing them in their protective case for what was meant to be a quick stop.

I know most people consider it rude when you wear sunglasses indoors. But I didn’t expect to see anyone I knew and it’s not a regular habit of mine.

Tom had crossed a boundary by poking into my personal behavior, which is none of his business.

Boundaries are the limits we set to protect ourselves from harm and preserve our energy for our own priorities.

Tom clearly had an agenda he wanted to lay on me: “You shouldn’t wear sunglasses—indoors or outdoors ever.”

I don’t want to be lectured on health topics—that’s my boundary.

Ironically, I haven’t worn sunglasses for most of my life, more due to a lack of self-care than a particular philosophy.

I know there are arguments for why you should wear sunglasses and arguments for why you shouldn’t wear them all the time—outdoors or indoors.

But it’s my choice.

I don’t need a man to assume and imply he knows what’s best for me.

I’m more sensitive to glare post cataract surgery and a one-year later laser capsulotomy. I’ve also had pre-cancerous lesions appear on my face in the last year. I want to protect the sensitive skin around my eyes.

But I don’t have to explain all this to anyone, especially a casual male acquaintance I rarely see.

Tom practices yoga and adheres to alternative health advice like it’s the gospel retold. I’ve done my 10,000 hours with alternative health practitioners and Western medical professionals alike.

I competent and capable. I can decide for myself.

We may have leaps in personal growth at times. But generally, this is how we heal our emotional patterns and wounds—little by little, step by step.

Everyday encounters like the one with Tom provide special opportunities to more deeply understand myself, examine my patterns, and make positive changes when I feel ready.

Replaying a conversation in your mind is a fantastic clue something has gone awry. Ask, “What’s going on here?”

After I consciously reviewed the exchange with Tom and gained a degree of clarity, the conversation stopped replaying in my head.

Trust your body too.

If you feel punched in the gut, red in the face, or like you’re suddenly growing smaller on the spot, something deeper is likely going on.

But having a wound doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to have healthy boundaries. Indeed, you might need to strengthen your boundaries all the more.

I reacted to Tom in a patterned way. Like I was bad and needed to explain and justify my actions.

When in fact, his question and underlying agenda wasn’t appropriate, at least not in my worldview. And that’s the thing about personal boundaries—you get to decide what’s in and what’s out.

By noticing the inner upset, reviewing the situation, and scripting alternative responses, I now have a better chance to respond in a more empowered way when I feel my boundaries have been crossed.

Because one thing we know for sure, there will always be people who try to impose their views on you.

Just remember, you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone, unless you truly want to do so.

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