You Don’t Have to Be Friends With Your Children's Friends’ Parents

Do you handle it or just simply ghost them?

My daughters are almost grown, one is just about 18 and the other 15. So, I’ve been through the ups and downs of dealing with their friend’s parents.

Just when I thought it was over, I received an interesting text this morning from the mother of my daughter’s friend.

Long story short, the girls have drifted apart. She was leaving my daughter out of things, so my daughter found a new group of friends.

Not a drastic, swift move but slowly over their senior year.

Let’s be real, teenagers especially ones that are almost 18, do not need their parents managing their relationship unless there’s something detrimental going on.

In the age of social media, we are left out of things all the time, and it's right smack in our faces.

This bothered me when they were younger. Every time I would see their group of friends hanging out without my girls, I’d explode.

Explode at home, internally, and rant to my family, that is. But yeah, I’d get over it and move on, eventually.

Would I call their friends parents about it? Nope. And, that still rings true.

So, I get this message today saying:

Hi Michele, I just realized the girls haven’t been hanging out and just wanted to check-in. I know your daughter has a different group of friends now but I miss seeing her face.

Sounds so nice and sweet, right? Sure, it is. But, meanwhile, all I’m thinking about is my daughter's turmoil surrounding these two friends of hers.

The upset days and nights, wondering why she’s being left out.

They hang out without her now all the time, when they were once the three musketeers.

Groups of three don’t usually make it.

So, I waited hours to reply because I am a grown-up now, and I don’t want to say something out of character and full of hurt.

I write back:

Hi there! We miss your daughter, as well. My daughter branched out because the girls (her daughter and the other friend) are always busy. Hopeful they can connect at school before senior year is over.

I thought it was neutral and would be well received and maybe it was, but I just wasn’t expecting the following response.

Glad to hear she is ok. We are worried about her because she dresses differently, seems different, and is hanging out with different people. I heard she curled her hair one day so we think she’s ok but just wanted to check.

Back story, my daughter came out as gay last year and this family happens to be very homophobic and religious. Not knocking religion but they simply do not agree with her choices.

Before they knew about my daughter's sexual preferences, this family has stated that they are not comfortable around “the gays”.

That’s the word she actually used, I am not making this shit up!

My daughter and this previous friend group include people that are….. GAY.

So, since she doesn’t dress like a hoochie mama at school, trying to be popular, and the fact that she is gay means that everyone should be worried about her.

My mama bear blood really started to boil. How is she even writing this to me about my daughter's appearance?

I was in shock.

This on top of my daughter being ditched really threw a wrench in my day. Again, I tried to be somewhat nice in my reply but maybe I should have just ghosted her.

Honestly, the girls were leaving my daughter out of plans, not answering her texts, and wanting to hang out with the “popular” crowd at school, so she branched out because she got tired of trying.

The clothes she wears shouldn’t have anything to do with it.

She went on to explain that is not what she meant.

Ummmm, OK!?

She sent a two-paragraph reply, and I don’t have it in me to even respond, because there is no point.

What do you do when dealing with a difficult or judgemental parent? It’s happened throughout their lives because you know what…

You can’t pick their friends.

We all have to deal with difficult people, sometimes on a daily basis, but it’s all in how you react.

I thought that pausing, waiting to reply, and trying to make peace with the situation would keep my blood from boiling, but I am only human.

I’ve decided that this parent, in particular, is not worth my time.

Our job as parents is always to protect our children. But, within reason. My kids have been left out of many things, some friendships have fizzled out, and they’ve had disagreements.

But, they need to be able to solve conflicts themselves.

So, just like in this instance, it wasn’t my place to reach out to this mother telling her that her daughter was being a shit friend.

Honestly, I wish I didn't even respond at all.

My takeaway from this and what I’ve learned about dealing with your kid's friends' parents.

• Always pause, wait to reply, so that you don’t say something reactive and harsh.
• Know that you do not have to be their friends but simply keep the peace.
• Be the bigger person and don’t engage if you don’t need to.
• Unless my kids or their friends are being harmed, doing drugs, or something illegal, I’ll continue to stay out of their friend issues.
• I’ll give my kids advice and let them handle it.
• Be a positive role model on how to proceed with caution in relationships.

Have you been in this situation dealing with people you’d normally have nothing to do with?

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