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You Can’t Turn Back Time: Drop the Shame and Regrets Now That You’ve Quit Drinking

It’s time to rejoice. Haven’t you suffered enough?

Finally, a few months after quitting, I began to feel comfortable in my sobriety. I rejoiced every day I went without a drink.

But then, from nowhere, feelings of regret began seeping into my consciousness: Why did I wait so long to sober up? Imagine what a fantastic life I could have had. I would’ve been more present for my boys—if only.

And shame — I can’t believe I fell off the barstool on my birthday. (Of course, I claimed I was pushed). Or I insulted a friend — did I say that?

It took me a few years to let go of my shame and regrets. We can’t change the past, regardless of how much we wish we could.

During my drinking days, I had plenty of regrets after a night of over-drinking followed by shame the next morning, knowing I’d said something foolish.

Regret is a powerful emotion. It can ignite feelings of anxiety, stress, or even depression.

Shame is a destructive emotion that may cause us to believe we are worthless.

It’s easy to get lost in the what-if, if only, and I wish I hadn’t.

I’ve gone down that dark road many times — recreating what might have been if I hadn’t said that or didn’t down that third Cosmo.

If you’re newly sober or still imbibing, you probably have a long list of what you said, did, or didn’t do that you now regret.

It can be challenging to release the shame and guilt you’re carrying around.

Regret and Its Effects

Whenever I recalled a time when I did or said something I regretted, I felt it in the pit of my stomach—that feeling of butterflies many get when nervous or worried. It made me want to reach for something to assuage it—food, candy, or chips. Anything to alleviate the uneasiness.

Regret can also affect your mental health. You may feel sad, distracted, or even hopeless. Allowing regret to take over can hinder your sobriety — possibly leading to a relapse to ease the discomfort.

The Effects of Shame

The most distressing effect of shame is that it can lead to drinking. And drinking can lead to shame. It can spiral out of control.

Often, shame results from past actions and the destruction they caused. Shame is also felt by alcohol abusers who are sober and now embarrassed by their past and fearful of others discovering their past.

Moving Forward

Shame accomplishes nothing positive.

Shame combines failure and pride: failure to be perfect and too much pride to admit your failures and weaknesses.

Shame also drains the energy you could use to take positive recovery steps.

Mindfulness can help us overcome shame. It teaches us to live in the present, to stay in this moment. Don’t dwell on what happened when you were drinking—what you said, did, or didn’t say or do.

You want to release the obsessive thoughts that keep you mired in shame. Mindfulness is all about NOW, not THEN.

Mantras can help you stay in the present and repel negative thoughts. You repeat a word or phrase during meditation or while sitting quietly and recite affirmations.

Grounding breaths are also a way to prevent shame from spiraling. Stop and slowly take ten measured, deep breaths—inhaling and exhaling, concentrating on the breath.

You don’t need to listen to the voice in your head that shames you. Listen to it objectively and watch it pass by.

If you pay attention, you’ll realize it doesn’t even sound like the real you. The real you has dreams and plans. You want success — you’re not a failure.

The real you knows you can progress in your recovery.

Alcohol abuse is a disease, not a shortcoming.

Regrets have a place if used to make changes.

I regret I drank for decades. If I allowed myself to wallow in that place, it could drive me to relapse.

Instead, I’ve used that regret to turn it into a belief that I never want to drink again.

Sure, I regret those drinking days, but I also now understand why I over-drank, and I forgive myself and everyone who was involved.

You can’t turn back time, but regret can help us change. Changing is a positive and valuable purpose for regret.

Our mistakes and falls are not personal flaws but a part of life.

We weren’t born to be perfect but to learn and grow.

Therapy can be helpful if you are entangled in shame and need support. Do not be afraid to reach out.

Call your local alcohol abuse hotline, a therapist, or SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Service Administration) at 800–662-HELP (4357) if you need help extracting yourself from shame and regrets or help in quitting drinking.

Are you giving yourself credit for the courage it took for you to face your addiction and quit drinking?

That was a huge undertaking, and if you’re still drinking, know you have the power and strength to be alcohol-free.

Remember, you are human, and humans err. That’s how we learn.

Believing in yourself, seeking help if necessary, and surrounding yourself with supportive people will make the journey easier.

Freeing yourself from regret and shame is life-changing, and you’re worth it.