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Abstract

a slippery, black shame spiral the minute I put a foot wrong which always called for an emergency committee meeting come to order.Often I could convene a meeting simply by calling myself names.“God, I’m such a bonehead! Why did I say that?”“When will I stop being so stupid?”“Listen to me; what a moron.”“Oh shit, I’m sorry, I’m just an idiot.”“Do I really always need dessert? Geeze, I’m already a chubbette here!”I was gently coached by some wise women to talk more nicely to meI also had a wonderful therapist many years ago who suggested that I dialogue with that inner name-caller. And, yes, it was every bit as awkward as it sounds. I’d sit there with her and play two roles: myself and that part of me that reflexively finds fault. Call her the Head of the Committee.“Why are you so mean? How come you call me those names?”“To get your attention. Nothing else seems to work so we go for drastic measures.”“But why?”“Because you won’t take good care of yourself otherwise. You’ll make the wrong choices and screw things up.”“So, wait. You mean you’re actually trying to help me?”“Of course we are! We’re YOU!”After the initial awkwardness wore off I found that these conversations rolled al

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ong easily and I learned a lot.Most valuably, I learned that the committee didn’t need to be disbanded or exiled or fired. They just needed to be reminded of their original job description. To help me determine right from wrong. To guide me to right and healthy choices. Because I’d willfully been ignoring the committee for well over two decades, they were forced to convene a special session where it was decided it was time to whomp me upside the head to get my attention.HEY DUMMY! YEAH, YOU! YOU LISTENING HERE?All this is not to say that me and the committee are close buds or anything like that. They’re still a wee bit overzealous but I’m better at spotting the flaws in some of their proposals. I also don’t call myself denigrating names anymore. Probably the most powerful tool I’ve learned for dealing with the committee when they go full bore is to scoop them up into a hug, laugh and ruffle their hair.(They act like they hate that, but really it tickles them…..and shuts them up)Perhaps this would be a good time to convene a committee meeting yourself. It will surprise the hell out of them and you might discover they’ve actually got a couple of not-bad ideas. But remember that really YOU are the Head of the Committee and you set the agenda.Meeting adjourned.© Remington Write 2020. All Rights Reserved.</article></body>

You Can’t Talk to Me that Way!

Learning how to adjourn the toxic committee meeting in my head

Photo Credit — Regionsandcities / Wikimedia Commons

My committee is not this big nor is it as well organized as this bunch seems to be but what my committee, you know that gang of naysayers in the six inches between our ears, doesn’t have in size or organizational prowess it more than makes up for in enthusiasm.

They’re not big on honesty, never letting any inconvenient facts get in the way of a good pounding.

What they excel at is finding my soft spots, the chinks in my armor which, if we’re honest, is always facing out towards the world when it needs to be also walling off those slimy shits who keep drafting proposals about how I am:

Not talented
Unlikeable
Fat
Pushy
Needy
Mean
Selfish
Lazy
Unproductive
Kind of dumb
Basically an all-around loser

There was a time when I believed that garbage. I’d go right down a slippery, black shame spiral the minute I put a foot wrong which always called for an emergency committee meeting come to order.

Often I could convene a meeting simply by calling myself names.

“God, I’m such a bonehead! Why did I say that?”

“When will I stop being so stupid?”

“Listen to me; what a moron.”

“Oh shit, I’m sorry, I’m just an idiot.”

“Do I really always need dessert? Geeze, I’m already a chubbette here!”

I was gently coached by some wise women to talk more nicely to me

I also had a wonderful therapist many years ago who suggested that I dialogue with that inner name-caller. And, yes, it was every bit as awkward as it sounds. I’d sit there with her and play two roles: myself and that part of me that reflexively finds fault. Call her the Head of the Committee.

“Why are you so mean? How come you call me those names?”

“To get your attention. Nothing else seems to work so we go for drastic measures.”

“But why?”

“Because you won’t take good care of yourself otherwise. You’ll make the wrong choices and screw things up.”

“So, wait. You mean you’re actually trying to help me?”

“Of course we are! We’re YOU!”

After the initial awkwardness wore off I found that these conversations rolled along easily and I learned a lot.

Most valuably, I learned that the committee didn’t need to be disbanded or exiled or fired. They just needed to be reminded of their original job description. To help me determine right from wrong. To guide me to right and healthy choices. Because I’d willfully been ignoring the committee for well over two decades, they were forced to convene a special session where it was decided it was time to whomp me upside the head to get my attention.

HEY DUMMY! YEAH, YOU! YOU LISTENING HERE?

All this is not to say that me and the committee are close buds or anything like that. They’re still a wee bit overzealous but I’m better at spotting the flaws in some of their proposals. I also don’t call myself denigrating names anymore. Probably the most powerful tool I’ve learned for dealing with the committee when they go full bore is to scoop them up into a hug, laugh and ruffle their hair.

(They act like they hate that, but really it tickles them…..and shuts them up)

Perhaps this would be a good time to convene a committee meeting yourself. It will surprise the hell out of them and you might discover they’ve actually got a couple of not-bad ideas. But remember that really YOU are the Head of the Committee and you set the agenda.

Meeting adjourned.