You Can’t Start a Nuclear War Yet!
I’m not ready…
If I’d got the chance to be a fighter pilot, you’d never have heard a complaint out of me. But I didn’t because:
- Girls hardly ever got proper career jobs in my day (unless they were incredibly lucky or talented), and:
- I wouldn’t join the British Armed Forces even if they’d have me, because there was nothing in Britain I’d be willing to fight and die for. There still isn’t. So sod it.
Sorry, it was the photo started that off. I still love fighter jets.
Let’s have an apocalypse…
People keep writing articles about “imminent nuclear war” and “preparing for an apocalypse.” I don’t know what this means. I’ve never been to an apocalypse before.
You can’t prepare for something if you don’t know what it involves.
No, I really don’t know. It seems it’s mentioned in the bible, which I have not read because it’s big, unwieldy, and very boring for us atheists. For fiction, I mostly read detective novels.
A number of questions still need answering, but I did some basic research on apocalypses, to help you all prepare, and found that:
Horses are involved somehow; here’s a picture in case you have never seen a horse:
This sounds more like Derby Day. Someone claimed “apocalypse” means the end of the world; a possible reference to the old man who used to be at the Derby with a placard saying: “Get Ready — the End of the World is Nigh.” To be fair to him, it didn’t mention when. “Nigh” is a bit vague.
It’s not true anyway; the world won’t end, but humanity might. The planet will soon get over our demise, like it did with five previous extinctions and all the other crap it has endured in 4.5 billion years.
I like horses though; sometimes they follow me. One followed me into a house once, in Cuba. It was a long, narrow house and she couldn’t turn round without breaking stuff, so I led her out through the bathroom. Nothing got broken, though the man in the shower looked surprised.
An apocalypse on horseback would be great fun. Like the ride of the Valkyries. But where do we collect the horses? Have they got any fairly docile ones for those of us who haven’t ridden for a while? Will horse food be provided?
If it’s a Russian apocalypse, presumably informal riding gear will be acceptable.
It also seems there is an “Apocalypse Now!”
Now is a bit soon really. Will it wait until the weekend? Can people who miss it make a reservation for the next one? That would give us more time to prepare. Will we see it better from up the cliff? What if it’s cloudy?
Most importantly, should I panic-buy coffee? I’ve been stockpiling jam and there’s some cheese left, so we’re okay for sandwiches.
My essentials will include computer, wooden tulips from Amsterdam, and change of underwear. Your list will be different. What will the weather be like? You can’t pack without knowing that.
The least we need to know is how long it’ll take; should we put the cat out, unplug electrical things, and cancel the papers? Or will it all be over by Christmas?
Hopefully, the government will issue a leaflet: “Your Apocalypse and How to Prepare for It.” (Governments always like to pass ownership of anything that might be troublesome on to the public.) Their leaflets always include “answers to frequently-asked questions.”
The Nuclear Apocalypse?
Here’s a picture of what a nuclear apocalypse looks like, but there’s no indication of size. Looks lovely and warm though, and they do mention a bikini, which is nice.
I live in the Canary Islands, but those less fortunate could get cheap swimwear in autumn sales. Put some trousers on for the horse-riding part, or the stirrup leathers will pinch the insides of your legs.
See you there. Bring carrots for the horses.