You Can’t Knit Red Flags Together to Make the Wrong Relationship Right

Ignore the red flags at your peril.

We always know from the start.

We might say that we didn’t, but looking back, we can see red flags that we chose to ignore. Maybe they didn’t seem important. Maybe they wouldn’t have been had we inquired further and gained clarity. But we didn’t — because we knew, on some level, we wouldn’t like what we discovered.

I did this often. I lived, loved, and — eventually — learned. I finally realized that the red flags I was seeing never went away. They were always an essential part of why those relationships failed.

How We Knit Together Red Flags

The red flags are everywhere. They foreshadow the end of our relationships. Still, we don’t heed them. We do this instead.

Making Excuses

We keep our mouths shut — only opening them to make excuses. We explain away behaviors. We rationalize what’s happening to make the wrong person fit right into our lives. We have a story for our friends that portrays our partner in a better light, and we hide away any sense of unease we’re experiencing. We take all those glaring red flags and try to knit them together to make that wrong relationship right. Only it never does.

Giving Chances

I always believed in giving people a chance, but I looked at it in the wrong way. I thought ignoring red flags was extending that chance. The reality is that having a conversation with a person and getting to know them was the chance. They were given an opportunity to engage with me in a romantic context. If a red flag was revealed, that wasn’t time to extend yet another opportunity. That was the time to acknowledge that it wasn’t a good fit and leave.

Avoiding Hurt Feelings

I was afraid of hurting someone’s feelings by rejecting them. For women, it’s a double-edged sword. We don’t want to end up on a murder podcast for rejecting the wrong person, and we don’t want to hurt the feelings of someone who was just wrong for us. A lot of times, we try to let them down easy only to end up in a relationship because we couldn’t hold our ground. Once in, it’s even harder to exit.

Choosing Chemistry Over Compatibility

More red flags were collected when I chose chemistry when I could see there was no compatibility. I allowed the spark to take over, and I stopped thinking logically. I let myself be swept off my feet, which makes it really hard to walk away. When the chemistry fizzles, all that’s left is the glaring truth that we don’t have enough in common to sustain a long-term relationship. Not a healthy one, at any rate.

The White Flag of Surrender

For a long time, I collected red flags quietly. I didn’t share them — not even with my closest friend. I kept them to myself. They made me sad. They made me feel helpless. They made me disappointed in the choices I made and in the partners I’d chosen. I tucked them away and made the best of things.

Later, I would take out those flags and look at them critically. Why was I carrying them when they weren’t mine in the first place? I began to unpack them. It gave me the courage to finally leave and raise a white flag of surrender — metaphorically speaking. But the thing is, I didn’t avoid red flags after that. I kept finding them. Lessons repeated until they were learned.

I have, finally, learned. A red flag collection isn’t something I want anymore. When I see them in myself, I do the inner work required to confront my own bullshit. When I see them in others, I kindly opt out of the offer for a future relationship and continue to be available for the right relationship instead. What I don’t do now — what I can never afford to do again — is ignore them.

Because we know. We always know, at the start. We might ignore the red flags or minimize their importance, but if we don’t ask, we won’t avoid them. We’ll only delay our true knowing just a little longer, and we finally realize that we deserve better.