You Can’t Cure Verbal Diarrhea

But you can lighten the load

The older I get, the more women I meet with verbal diarrhea. You’ve heard of it, right? It’s when someone starts talking can’t stop. An alien spaceship could land on their head, and they’re still telling you about their daughter’s LSATs.

As a woman, I think women, in general, should keep talking. One of my favorite qualities about women is how women talk. It’s beautiful, powerful, and world-changing. I have no desire to line up behind thousands of years of men and dinosaurs and say, “Hush up, woman.”

When I meet a woman with verbal diarrhea, I panic and start looking around for catastrophes — something I can point at and yell, “Stop talking! Fire!”

My brain tries to calm me down. It says to me, “Don’t worry, sweetheart. That gal will stop talking soon. She’ll notice you’re not responding, and she’ll shut up. I promise, babycakes.” My brain talks to me like every guy I ever met in a bar.

When the incessant rambler shows no signs of slowing down, my brain becomes doubtful. “Don’t worry, hot stuff, ” it says, frenzied and searching for EXITs. “She’ll run out of air soon. It’s science.”

Finally, when it becomes clear there’s no way out, my brain dives into magical thinking. “Maybe a spaceship will beam her up,” my brain suggests. “Maybe a truck will run her over. Maybe if you stab her, she’ll start weeping and run home.”

“Maybe a spaceship will beam her up”

I remember hearing about these VDer’s growing up. My mom would replay dinner parties with her friends. There was frequently a guest inflicted with VD.

“Wow,” mom would say. “That woman had a bad case of verbal diarrhea. She wouldn’t stop talking for one second. Didn’t see realize no one else had said a word? What’s wrong with her?”

What was wrong with the Verbal Diarrhea-st?

I wanted to know. What ailed her? Was she sick? Was there some kind of chatter-worm going around? Was it undiagnosed blah-blah-i-tus?

Were there stages of VD? Could it be managed if caught early enough? How early? Childhood? Not all chatty children turned into people who pooped words excessively into listeners' ears. Could VD be caused by a bad marriage? Or unheard cries for help? So many questions.

How could I identify verbal diarrhea?

Initially, when you are talking to someone with VD, they appear overenthusiastic. But as they prattle on, you realize they can’t stop. Or maybe, they won’t stop. Which is it? Are they tone-deaf, or are they evil? Are they unable to read social cues? Do we all have it, just by degree?

If you know someone with VD, what can you do to help?

While researching verbal diarrhea, two causes stood out. One, it is a form of nervousness or anxiety. Two, some people really enjoy the sound of their own voice.

So, what can I do?

If someone you know is suffering from the anxiety genre of VD, show compassion. They are anxious. They don’t feel heard. Perhaps they grew up being constantly interrupted.

Perhaps their opinion has never been valued. Perhaps they feel ignored. Maybe they are scared shitless when they talk to people, and this is a defense mechanism — their cloak.

Suggestions to help people with VD

Don’t interrupt. Don’t pretend to listen. Actually, listen. Don’t say, “Hey! That reminds me of something I want to talk about.” Lean into what they’re trying to say. Be one of those unicorns who helps people feel seen and heard.

What about the other kind of VD?

Ah, yes. How do you get the person who loves the sound of their own voice to stop bloviating? I refer to the wisdom of the film Forrest Gump.

“Run Forrest, run!”

If someone can’t stop talking, just keep walking. If they follow you, “Run, Forrest, run.”

Nobody goes out of their way to catch Verbal Diarrhea (VD), so have some compassion. You don’t wake up one day and say, “I’m gonna talk so much people hide in doorways when they see me.”

Oh, and don’t even get me started with men with VD. I have one thing to say to them. Shut your pie hole, Francis. Nobody’s talking to you.