You Can’t Change Someone — Here Is How to Do It

Yes, you read that right.

We all have that one person in our lives.

That one person about whom we say “If only he/she would do such and such, everything would be so much better.”

A friend of mine has been chasing a girl that brings almost nothing but chaos and stress into his life. If only he let go of her, he could enjoy his time and meet other beautiful girls.

My grandma could teach a mule a thing or two about stubbornness. If only she listened to other’s opinions, she would save herself and the rest of the family countless hours of arguments and fights.

Another friend of mine has been stuck in the same old town and hooked on weed, spending years of his life watching clouds of smoke and doing nothing. If only he kicked the habit, he’d have the energy and motivation to do all the things he ever wanted to do instead of just talking about them.

You get the idea.

I’m sure you know someone like that. It might be one of your friends, family members, or even worse, your partner. Their behavior makes life a challenge for themselves and the people around them.

It eats you up from the inside seeing them like that because you want to help. Because you are sick and tired of seeing them wreak havoc on their own lives — and yours as well.

It’s not like you haven’t tried talking sense into them. You’ve looked straight into their eyes and told them what’s up. You’ve explained to them multiple times that their behavior messes up their own and other’s lives. But to no avail.

In the best case, their behavior changed for a while, leaving you with the hope that not all is lost. But no matter how hard you tried and how many times you talked to them until you were blue in the face, they go back to the same old pattern.

Here is the harsh truth: You cannot make someone change.

But what can you do instead?

You can help them to make that change themselves.

Live and Let Live

Before we dive into the nitty-gritty, there is one thing I need you to understand.

You need to understand that everybody lives their own life and has the right to do so.

They have their reasons for the way they live. They have their own beliefs, values, and motives. And as much as they go against your own and you think them to be bullshit or irrational, you have to understand that we all are free to do with our lives what we want.

Unless they become an acute danger to themselves or others, they are free to do what they seem fit. Even if it means that they spend six days a week at church or post about conspiracy theories on Facebook.

Now that isn’t to say that you have to give up your friends and abandon them in the mess that they sometimes turn their lives into — but they have to change out of their own free will.

If you make them change it means you either force or manipulate them, which is a big no-no for two reasons.

First, you have no right to decide what another person has to do. They are free to decide on their own, even if it means messing up their own life.

Second, forced change isn’t sustainable. The second they get the opportunity, they will fall back into old patterns because at their core, they haven’t changed.

The perspective paradox

The inherent problem we humans all have is that we can only see things through our own eyes and perspective. You can’t look into someone else’s head, which leads to what I call the perspective paradox.

Yes, you might have a more objective view of someone’s life because you can take an outsider’s perspective and aren’t in the middle of it all.

But at the same time, you don’t know everything they know. You don’t know exactly how they feel, what they have been going through, or what the world looks like in their heads. Even if they tell you and you have tons of empathy, you can’t see their lives through their eyes, per definition.

Ergo, it’s impossible for you to know exactly what someone else needs and what’s best for them.

Three Steps to Achieve the Impossible

So, how can you help someone to change and nudge them in the right direction if coercion and manipulation are out of the question?

You have to combine both perspectives — theirs and yours, insider’s and outsider’s view.

1. Inspiration — lead by example

When you make a change in your life or even just live a certain lifestyle, it has an effect on the people around you. It’s Jim Rohn’s “You’re the average of the five people your spend the most time with”, but upside down.

You are one of the five people in someone else’s life. You are the one who can inspire them to change and lead by example.

It doesn’t matter if you let go of destructive behaviors such as weekly binge-drinking or become a more charitable person and help out at the local homeless shelter. Every now and then, one of your friends will think “Uh, look at him go. I’d love to be like that, too.”

Plus, you have to practice what you preach if you want to have even the tiniest little bit of credibility.

2. Education — ask the right questions

“Education? But I’m already doing that. I have told her tons of times that she shouldn’t get back with her ex all the time but she still does! I have told him so often that he needs to quit his job because he’s working himself to death and it doesn’t make him happy!”

You’ve fallen into the same trap tons of teachers and professors fall into. You think that you educate someone by telling them the truth. Nuh-uh. You have to let them find out for themselves.

I have a friend who regularly blows my mind and causes me to change my opinions and behaviors, which isn’t easy at all.

He doesn’t do it by telling me the obvious. He asks me the right questions and lets me find out for myself. This is way more powerful and much more likely to cause a change because you empower the other person instead of preaching to them.

Instead of telling your friend what a douche her ex is, ask her: “Does his behavior make you feel loved? Does he make your life better? Why do you think this time everything is going to be different than the last four times?”

Instead of telling your buddy that he needs to quit his job, ask him: “Do you think your boss treats you in a fair way? Do you like to get up in the morning to go to work? Is this how you want to spend the next 30 years of your life?”

You can preach to someone all day and have your words fall flat. But if you can make them say the words themselves — now that’s a gamechanger.

That’s how you make them see the world through your eyes. That’s how you make them understand.

3. Support — help them on their path

Just because a person wants to change, doesn’t mean they do change. Changing behaviors you’ve had for all your life isn’t easy.

If you’ve never learned to stop eating before you’re full and stuffed to the brim, it will take a lot of time and effort to change that.

If you get all your self-esteem and validation from your partner and have never learned to set boundaries, it will be hard to become independent.

Let these people know that you’re there to help. Give them a hand if you see them struggling or they ask for support.

Share your low-calorie recipes with your friend who tries to lose weight.

Accompany your buddy who wants to overcome his shyness and social anxieties to a party.

Go on a weekend hiking trip with your brother who struggles to drop the drugs and party lifestyle.

The crucial thing is that the person has to be willing to change. If you can’t get them to say “Yes, I want to change and become a different person”, all the support in the world won’t accomplish anything in the long run.

Act Independent of the Outcome

When you offer someone your help, it’s exactly that — an offer.

And as such, it is up to the other person to take it or leave it — and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Let me hammer this point home because it’s important: Offer your help unconditionally. Accept that the other person might be immune to all the inspiration, education, and support you’re offering.

I’ve had long-standing friendships take severe hits because I tried to push my views onto someone else. I had daily fights with my grandma for years because she didn’t accept my boundaries.

Don’t make the same mistakes. You can’t make someone change.

Act regardless of the outcome, or don’t act at all.

Change on a personal level is one thing — change on a global scale something completely different, although it takes a lot less effort.

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