You Cannot Hate Yourself Into the Person You Want to Be
Love encourages positive change
After I graduated from the university, I searched for a job — Submitting CVs, cover letters, and optimizing my LinkedIn profile daily. That was probably the most challenging time of my life. My saving grace was that I was still living with my parents. I had the basic things I needed. I could ask my parents for some money, and I’d get it. After many interviews with no callbacks, I started to doubt myself. My confidence plummeted, and I was sliding down the road to depression.
I hated myself. I didn’t see it as self-hate, but the emotion that overtook me was contempt for myself. The typical behavior you expect from someone who sees you as a failure and liability was the attitude I had for myself. I developed poor eating habits, I threw simple hygiene to the gutters, and I lost interest in doing the fun things I enjoyed.
“Why should I be involved in anything self-loving and fun when I can’t even get a job and make a living for myself?”
Many of us tread this path of emotional self-flagellation, and we assume it is good for us. We think if we beat ourselves up for our shortcomings and deprive ourselves of good things, perhaps, we will see how despicable our life is and consequently have more impetus to strive for a better life. Because we have been told from childhood that to enjoy the good things of life, we have to work super hard, make good grades, take out the trash or have a long time studying, we feel less deserving if we haven’t done the adulthood-equivalent of getting good grades or taking out the trash.
We punish and hate ourselves when things are not going right in our lives. And when we default in little resolutions, the emotions we emanate are self-defeating — exactly what we do not need if we want to become better or achieve something great.
After many interviews with no callbacks, I started to doubt myself. My confidence plummeted, and I was sliding down the road to depression.
We Hardly Recognize Self-Hatred
We have countless reasons to justify the negative emotions we feel toward ourselves when we smoke another cigarette stick or find ourselves on that porn site we had sworn never to visit. No matter what habit we are trying to change, we think the negative emotions are justified, after — all if you liked where you were, you wouldn’t’ want to change. While that may seem true when we nurture these negative emotions, they coagulate like bad blood over time and lead to self-hatred. Then, we feel less deserving of the things we wish to accomplish, have less motivation to get things done, and put less effort into becoming better. And we continue round and round in that life of frustration. Unbeknownst to us, we have nurtured a habit of self-hatred that hinders anyone from being better and doing better.
It is comparable to corporal punishment. It looks like it works. When practiced on minors, the child’s self-confidence is bruised. The child doesn’t improve, and the child is blamed and probably hit again. After all, the child is hit to correct their misbehavior and get them to know right and wrong. But corporal punishment doesn’t work. So also, self-hatred never works in making us better.
Practicing Self-Love and Being Good to Yourself
It is tough to practice self-love amidst the challenges that life dishes at us daily, especially when we are not where we want to be. However, self-love might be the most effective way to lead a happier and more fulfilled life and is a better stimulus to achieving goals. Self-love is practicing activities that support our physical, psychological, and spiritual growth. And we should pay expert attention to it.
How to Practice Self-Love While Trying to Be a Better Person
- Recognize yourself as deserving of all the good things that life offers: You deserve a happy life. You deserve love and comfort. You deserve abundance, even though you may not have all of that now. At my lowest, the book, Think and Grow Rich by Napolean Hill, gave me an epiphany. It made me realize that I was good enough. It reminded me If I changed how I thought about success, I could achieve all I wanted. It made me believe in myself and gave me an awakening to love myself and confidently strive for success.
- Be patient, gentle, and forgiving of yourself: We all fall into this trap of being too hard on ourselves. We can be patient and forgiving of ourselves when we are yet to do what we had resolved to do or when we slip. Start small when changing a habit and acknowledge milestones. Beating ourselves over a slipup is like running a race and always looking back. You will stumble and fall if your principal focus is not on the goal.
- Take care of your body and mind: Whatever your goals are, you need your body and mind in their optimal state to achieve those goals. Eating nutritional foods is not just a pleasurable activity. It is necessary for a healthy body and mind. Exercising, just like food, is a powerful source of energy for the body and mind. Self-blame only has a negative effect on the mind.
- Surround yourself with love: In times of disappointments, it is better to be amongst people that genuinely care about your wellbeing. In the same vein, avoid negative vibes. We all need care and support from a loved one, whether it is family or friends.
- Stop the comparisons: When I was still job seeking, comparisons were my snare. I would always compare myself with school mates who already had jobs or business and whom everything seemed to go on fine with, at least from afar. Such acts do not motivate but, on the contrary, zap your emotional energy to push further.
- Celebrate your wins, no matter how small: Learn to celebrate your wins. It stimulates the mind to get more done. You may reward yourself for not smoking for a week or a month if quitting cigarettes is your goal. And when you relapse, just say “shit happens, we move,” and try again.
- Chop life, Wahala no dey finish: Translation: Have fun, challenges never end.
Final Thoughts
Negative emotions are counterproductive in helping us become better or helping us achieve a set goal.
All negative emotions are like fog on our path. We need the right mind and body to live our best life, and I cannot overemphasize this.
Self-hate destroys. Self-hate won’t get you where you want to be, self-love will. Seek professional help if you feel you need it.