Summary

The article humorously critiques the common hypothetical scenario of using a time machine to kill Hitler, suggesting that such a plan is both selfish and naive.

Abstract

The article titled "You can’t kill Hitler" satirizes the popular notion of using a time machine to alter history by assassinating Adolf Hitler. It presents the character Ben, a coffee shop barista, who is overly confident about his ability to accomplish this task if given the chance. The author points out the absurdity of Ben's plan, highlighting the lack of foresight regarding language barriers, cultural differences, and the likelihood that others during Hitler's time might have attempted the same. The article also touches on the naivety of those who believe they could kill "Baby Hitler," hinting at a separate response to this subset of the time-travel fantasy. The author, a comedian/writer, uses humor to underscore the arrogance of individuals who think they could single-handedly change the course of history, despite not having considered the practicalities of their plan.

Opinions

The author implies that people who say they would kill Hitler with a time machine are either selfish (if they choose to use it for personal gain) or foolish (for thinking they could successfully assassinate him).
Ben's confidence in his ability to kill Hitler is seen as misplaced, especially given his lack of preparation or understanding of the historical context.
The article suggests that the idea of killing Hitler is a simplistic solution to a complex historical problem and that those who propose it have not thought through the logistics or implications.
The author mocks the idea of asking for directions to Hitler's location in 1935 Germany without arousing suspicion, highlighting the impracticality of Ben's plan.
There is a hint of sarcasm in the author's portrayal of Ben as a hero for his willingness to attempt the assassination without a clear strategy.
The mention of the "Baby Hitler" scenario indicates the author's recognition of a common variant of the time-travel fantasy and implies that this too is an oversimplification of historical intervention.

You can’t kill Hitler.

Ask anyone what they’d do with a time machine and you’ll get one of two answers:

1. Play the lottery or invest in things they know will pay off big.

2. Kill Hitler.

If they answer #1, they’re selfish. If they answer #2, they’re dumb. Here’s an example:

Meet Ben:

Ben is a Coffee Bean barista and if he had a time machine, he thinks he could kill Adolf Hitler. In fact, he constantly asks others what they would do if they had a time machine, but he really only does it so he can tell them what he would do if he had a time machine.

I really enjoy Ben’s confidence.

It doesn’t cross Ben’s mind that perhaps people alive during World War II might have had the same idea. They might have been having dinner with a friend and said, “you know what? Hitler kinda sucks. Maybe we should kill that dude.”

Ben is able to put all of that aside, and even though his 2016 life is pretty bland, he’s sure that if he was alive in the 1930s he would make history. Time has been his only obstacle this whole time!

Ben thinks that if he were to go to Germany in 1935 he could walk up to the first guy he saw (ignoring the fact that he can’t speak an ounce of German and that his hipster mustache and skinny jeans would raise more than a few eyebrows) and simply say, “hey man, where’s Hitler at?” He’s sure he’ll get the right answer from Franz, and will probably try to Uber over to Hitler’s residence from there.

Also, don’t ask Ben questions about this plan that might poke holes in it. This upsets him very much.

But Ben, what would you kill him with? What about his bodyguards and all of that?

“I dunno man, I would just do it. Someone has to do it.”

My hero.

P.S. A lot of people are saying that they could kill “Baby Hitler” because he didn’t have bodyguards. I wrote a response to that, too.

Comedian/writer with a book of funny short stories coming this January. Read a free chapter here.