You Can Be Assured That I, A Democrat Millionaire, Understand Poor People’s Struggles
We are not so different, after all.
As a candidate for office, I know what you poor people need because my parents were struggling immigrant doctors, forced to come to the US due to the horrible conditions in Canada. And because of their terribly chosen profession and country of origin, I didn’t have the pedigree for Harvard, so my parents had to give extra money to the volleyball coach so I could attend (and play volleyball maybe). And my first car was a cheap Lexus while my friends all got to wreck Lamborghinis driving drunk in high school. But my kids will have a better upbringing than I did. Did I remember to tell the nanny to pick them up from school today? Well, they’ll figure it out. When I get into office, I will make sure no more poor people have to buy their Harvard acceptance letter like Lori Laughlin and I did.
I also spend time with poor people every day to learn the things I may have missed out on when I was poor. To do this, I have to leave the expensive Hermes store, where all the bags are rightfully priced no less than $3,000, and venture into the dreaded Coach store, where, sadly, the people must settle with $300 purses. Then I’ll briefly remember I haven’t seen my kids in several days before I stroll back into Hermes to buy my 125th bag. What was I thinking about again? Oh right, how when you vote me into office, I will find out the minimum wage and then double it so poor people can finally upgrade from Coach.
Volunteering to help the poor gives me that same warm fuzzy feeling I get when I let hungry children admire my yacht. So, I serve food at the fundraising events for the anti-Trump charity organization I run, which I also donate money to because how else am I supposed to avoid the increased taxes I voted for? And serving those charity donors, who can only afford to donate a few thousand dollars, gives me a sense of pride and purpose. And what’s on the menu? Truffle wagyu beef and caviar, a nice luxurious treat for poor people who might not have enough food stamps to eat it otherwise. My nanny is lucky she works for me and gets to cook my kids various truffle-seasoned foods every night. Good food should not be a luxury for the rich only, so when I get into office, I will mandate that the soup kitchens up their game and serve you poors the saffron-encrusted halibut you deserve without having to depend on food stamps.
And I know what it’s like to be a single parent like many of you–I have three (four?) financial disasters I am raising by myself, and daycare won’t always accept my two-year-old when I need to work! We have all experienced it: daycare stops you at the door because your child has a fever and they’re “concerned about spreading an illness to the other kids” (so annoying), but what are you supposed to do, leave the toddler home alone? So you calmly tell them to let you in or you will raise daycare taxes 300% when you’re in office, but then they have the nerve to expel your kid because you “caused a scene” and now you have to find a new daycare again. I will expand childcare for all by mandating that daycares can no longer deny kids entry under any circumstances, and they will just have to buy more trash cans for toddler barf. Maybe they can hire pediatricians. Doesn’t matter. Just let these people go to work so they can be less poor!
I have experienced the terrible things you poors go through on a daily basis, making me more than qualified to defend your rights when I’m in office. Vote for me and you will never have to wonder when you will be able to eat Kobe beef again or who will care for your vomiting child when you have to work a 12 hour shift.