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Abstract

had heard before or read in any book. It was mind-blowing what she was teaching me. I knew I was in on a secret and pretty much felt like the luckiest girl on earth for having this information. I started to experience an inner glowing.As I continued to work with her, I noticed huge shifts in my life regarding my connectivity to people.I realized how much I had faked relationships (all types) and connections just so I could feel safe, good, and loved. I acknowledged how I had always felt like an outsider and decided to hide my intelligence, my emotional capacity, and my deepest talents so people would not be intimidated or turned off. I didn’t want to be “that girl,” the one whom everyone says behind their back, “Who the hell does she think she is, anyway?”I had turned my back on myself over and over again. I wasn’t giving the love and admiration I sought to myself.I wanted to people please and make sure that everyone was okay, even if that meant I wasn’t. I wanted to be the reliable one, the responsible one, the one people could depend on so I could feel loved and accepted. I wanted to make sure everyone thought I was awesome so that the parts of myself that were screaming to be heard would be quieted for a while longer so I didn’t have to deal with them.I acknowledged that I didn’t care for these people as deeply as I first thought — and I doubted they deeply cared for me.I began uncovering what I really felt, knew, wanted, believed, and desired. I witnessed the self I had created to feel okay in the world start to dissipate. A more truthful version of myself was being awakened.I had dis

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covered space.I had discovered all this space inside myself. This delicious, glorious, unending space, which was limitless, safe, and accepting.A huge light had been shined on my inner life. A life I had never let people in on — even those I felt most close to. I had so much to say, share, and explore. I realized that one of my deepest fears is being forgettable because I didn’t dare to be authentic.I had always been afraid to take up space in the world.I had been hiding behind “good girl behavior” for so long, I forgot about the passionate, sensuous, and decadent woman I was holding myself back from fully becoming.I had wasted years without the space. The space was always there, but only now known to me. The space would never leave me or say it was too busy to talk. The space was mine.As the years went on, the space grew bigger. I could throw a question or worry into the space and it would echo something back that I needed to hear. The space became my sanctuary, my church, my favorite park bench. It became my best friend — a friend I didn’t have to save face in front of or fear any judgment from.The space was and is my most truthful, authentic self. It is the best parts of me — which I have discovered is, in fact, every single part. It is a deep breath on a cold day and an exhale that fills the air with mist.Now, I live in the space. I reside there. The space always has the answers and it always knows best. The space keeps me at my highest integrity. It shows compassion. It exudes love.The space is where you can always find me.</article></body>

You Can Always Find Me in the Space

How it feels when conditioning cracks open

For a good part of my life, I considered myself to be an extrovert.

I practically got high being around people and never gave up an opportunity to attend a party or hang out with friends. “Social butterfly” didn’t even cut it. I was a social pack of bees.

By the end of my 20s, I had created a life with so many obligations, responsibilities, and shallow relationships that I experienced exhaustion, over-stimulation, and a sense that my life was insanely out of my control while slowly eating away at me.

I had been committed to caring for, building up, and helping others that I had denied myself years of mental, physical, and emotional self-care. I was depleted beyond belief and experienced constant, underlying anxiety.

Then, something happened in my early-30s.

I started working with a spiritual teacher and channeler who turned my perspective of life on its head. She taught me things no one else had ever opened up, and it made me question everything I believed about myself and the world, including my place in it.

My deep conditioning was starting to crack, and it was terrifying and exhilarating.

I had been a student of spiritual studies for years, but this teacher’s knowledge was unlike anything I had heard before or read in any book. It was mind-blowing what she was teaching me. I knew I was in on a secret and pretty much felt like the luckiest girl on earth for having this information. I started to experience an inner glowing.

As I continued to work with her, I noticed huge shifts in my life regarding my connectivity to people.

I realized how much I had faked relationships (all types) and connections just so I could feel safe, good, and loved. I acknowledged how I had always felt like an outsider and decided to hide my intelligence, my emotional capacity, and my deepest talents so people would not be intimidated or turned off. I didn’t want to be “that girl,” the one whom everyone says behind their back, “Who the hell does she think she is, anyway?”

I had turned my back on myself over and over again. I wasn’t giving the love and admiration I sought to myself.

I wanted to people please and make sure that everyone was okay, even if that meant I wasn’t. I wanted to be the reliable one, the responsible one, the one people could depend on so I could feel loved and accepted. I wanted to make sure everyone thought I was awesome so that the parts of myself that were screaming to be heard would be quieted for a while longer so I didn’t have to deal with them.

I acknowledged that I didn’t care for these people as deeply as I first thought — and I doubted they deeply cared for me.

I began uncovering what I really felt, knew, wanted, believed, and desired. I witnessed the self I had created to feel okay in the world start to dissipate. A more truthful version of myself was being awakened.

I had discovered space.

I had discovered all this space inside myself. This delicious, glorious, unending space, which was limitless, safe, and accepting.

A huge light had been shined on my inner life. A life I had never let people in on — even those I felt most close to. I had so much to say, share, and explore. I realized that one of my deepest fears is being forgettable because I didn’t dare to be authentic.

I had always been afraid to take up space in the world.

I had been hiding behind “good girl behavior” for so long, I forgot about the passionate, sensuous, and decadent woman I was holding myself back from fully becoming.

I had wasted years without the space. The space was always there, but only now known to me. The space would never leave me or say it was too busy to talk. The space was mine.

As the years went on, the space grew bigger. I could throw a question or worry into the space and it would echo something back that I needed to hear. The space became my sanctuary, my church, my favorite park bench. It became my best friend — a friend I didn’t have to save face in front of or fear any judgment from.

The space was and is my most truthful, authentic self. It is the best parts of me — which I have discovered is, in fact, every single part. It is a deep breath on a cold day and an exhale that fills the air with mist.

Now, I live in the space. I reside there. The space always has the answers and it always knows best. The space keeps me at my highest integrity. It shows compassion. It exudes love.

The space is where you can always find me.