SELF | GROWTH | ACCEPTANCE | LOVE

You Are Not A Polaroid, Don’t Let Your Past Define Your Present Self

Are you pretending to be something you’re not, or have you simply grown beyond who you once were?

“Be yourself!”

“Wait, not like that. Be the real you. Be the you I knew a decade ago!”

I often think about the notion of being someone you are not. Pretending to like a movie, food, or a hobby for the sake of connecting with another. I’m sure there are people out there who are chameleons so they can manipulate others for some type of personal gain.

They’re called assholes.

More often, I feel the imposter or fraud feeling is brought about by the people who have known us the longest. Boxing us into who we used to be, once upon a time.

The danger is someone self-conscious such as myself, tends to slide back into that “old me” to keep everyone comfortable. I keep new pieces of me hidden from old friends and family, so as not to destroy who they think Roxy really is.

Who I am at work is NOT who I am at home. If it was, I’d have been standing in the unemployment line a LONG time ago, y’all. Who I am with my lover is not who I am at the grocery store.

So am I not being myself, or is it just simply that I am several Roxy’s and each one of them shows herself when appropriate?

Similar to my article about being a rainbow, I will show the piece of myself I feel you deserve to see. To read the article with arguably the best conclusion of anything ever written in the history of mankind, click below.

It sounds fun to be the type of person who constantly says “I am who I am, and if you don’t like me then too bad.” Yeah, cool bro…you’re probably one of the assholes I was referring to earlier. I’m not suggesting we change ourselves so we can be liked, but should I be Saturday, “party-til-I-drop” Roxy when I’m in church on Sunday?

As someone who accidentally got drunk and then went to midnight mass on Christmas Eve one year, it’s just not a good idea. My mom’s piercing glares during the hymnals would suggest I should NOT have been party-girl Roxy that night.

Well Rounded, Like A Donut

I am what some would call a walking contradiction wrapped in the stoic skin of a broken woman. I am exceedingly shy about my body, but I am also unapologetically sexual.

I can discuss sexual acts at brunch with the same levity, detail, and candor with which I would a movie or food review. I’ve been at my fair share of brunches where I’ve shared an explicit picture with friends or said the word “tits” a little too loud and the tables around us ate faster so they could leave.

Sorry about that Greta, didn’t mean to ruin your Eggs Benedict date with Cecil. You both shall recover, and might I also suggest not looking at other people’s phone screens? Smooches.

I am a lover of all things space and science, and I also want to have an intimate understanding of how to bake the best damn cake you’ve ever put in your mouth.

I expect fidelity in my relationships, while I myself have been a mistress in the past. Don’t judge. We don’t do that here in Roxy-land. This is a safe space for nerds, mistresses, and the morally compromised alike.

I deeply love my children while I sometimes feel there’s a Roxy inside ripping at my seams so she can escape and be free.

I love cream cheese but hate cheesecake. Just stop baking cream cheese y’all. Just stop it.

You’re A Fucking Kaleidoscope

I mentioned being defined by others' expectations in another post a few weeks back. I feel I internalize other people’s perceptions of me and then jam myself into that box out of concern for their happiness.

For example, my mother. God, love her, but she has a hard time seeing me as I am now and not as I was 15 years ago. She expects me to act, think, and believe the way I did a long time ago. She’s very much lucid and knows I am now a professional, a wife, and a mother.

While discussing my job she will say things like “I know you just went in and took over the project.” Well Mom, I now have over a decade of professional experience under my belt and know there are better ways to be a colleague. I’m not a twenty-year-old asshole anymore. I’m a thirty-six-year-old asshole who has learned tact.

It’s things like this, others’ inability to let me break out of who I was, that makes it appear I’m someone I’m not. Rather, when they perceive I am not who I used to be, I simply must be pretending.

Much like a kaleidoscope, no piece of the reflection shows us the same image, but the mirror is focused on the same object. So, I feel there’s a distinct difference in showing different facets of yourself versus being something you are not.

As long as the facets you show are truly a part of your kaleidoscope image, you’re being true to the real you. You’re allowing a piece of you to run free, learn, and laugh because you know once you walk into the office, you won't be able to say the things you said at brunch.

Be true to every piece of you as you are right now. Twenty-year-old you was precious, but most likely completely stupid. Embrace all the bits and pieces that create the kaleidoscope that is you. More importantly, don’t let anyone use your past to define your present, and especially, your future.

Your kaleidoscope belongs to you, and you alone.

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