You Are My Roller Coaster Ride

I just can’t stop loving you

Upside down Boy, you turn me Inside out And round and round

Lyrics from Upside Down by Diana Ross https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/dianaross/upsidedown.html

It’s been a ride, baby!

Nineteen Sixty Three, so long ago. We were just sixteen and seventeen, and we fell hard. Madly in love, we thought we would be together forever.

Then life took hold, and our love took an unexpected detour, one that would last thirty-eight years.

I was shattered, but looking back, well, it was almost guaranteed. There were too many influences and life-changing events that consumed our young love.

For a long time, my love for you simmered like a pot of soup sitting on the back burner of a stove. You were always there.

You were a thread woven around my heart, a whisper echoing in my head, a fading touch lingering and slipping away, a tear unbidden rolling down my cheek, a sob in my head heard only by me.

Life proceeded; I was miserable and felt that missing piece, you.

My life stumbled along on a bumpy path, and I took many wrong turns.

I stayed in the small town where we went to school, and once in a while, I would hear these little tidbits of information about your life. Sometimes they would make me smile, but they all made me sad.

They always bought back special memories — the first time we met at that dance, all the walks home, always holding hands, your senior prom, laying in a field of daisies, and so many kisses. Then the night we said goodbye.

All the letters we wrote until we didn’t — the disappointment when I graduated from high school and you weren’t there. You were supposed to be there. You said you had a ticket.

Then Viet Nam happened, and you enlisted. Finally, the letters stopped, and I was left broken, alone and not knowing what to do without you. What was I supposed to do with my life now?

Would it have been easier if you had died? Then there would have been no choice.

There had been a choice, and you had chosen to move on. Was it all your fault? No, I had played my part too. There was too much distance and too many outside voices telling us we were too young. The advice, this is what you should do.

I heard you had joined the Oakland Police Dept. when you came home from Viet Nam, and I heard you were injured, shot, but you were going to be okay.

Your aunt also told my mom when you were married. That was devastating, and I let that rumble around inside for several years before I married too.

I will always remember visiting my parents at their home, and my mom told me you were in town visiting your aunt. My expression must have said it all because she warned me not to try and see you.

I wanted to see you desperately. I cried that day when I drove slowly by your aunt’s house. I almost stopped and parked across the street, but I chickened out. What good would it do? I had just gotten married and, of course, you were married too.

So, like you, I settled in, accepting that it was just too late. There was no going back. That part of my life was over.

My new life was good. My two sons were everything to me, and they made my life complete. My husband was a good man. We had a nice home and were financially okay, but there was never that special feeling between us. We tried, but it just did not work. Once again, there were too many outside influences, and eventually, we divorced.

Divorce was one of my most difficult experiences. I didn’t want to continue the marriage, but divorce was against everything I believed was right. You were not supposed to get divorced. It was difficult talking about it. Strangely for that moment in time, I was glad my father had Alzheimer’s because I did not have to look him in the eye and tell him. I was so stressed.

Years later, I would learn you were divorced too.

Too late. It was too late. My life revolved around my children, building a career, going back to school, and earning a college degree.

I did think of you from time to time, wondering how life was for you.

I wondered, did you think of me?

For a long time, I did not date. Dating was not a priority, and I wasn’t interested. When my life slowed down a bit, I started thinking about relationships. I wish I hadn’t.

I always wondered how I could laser focus on raising my children and working so hard on my career, yet I did not do the same with relationships. There was no thought process, no focus. I was just excruciatingly bad at it.

I almost married one of them. I even purchased a dress and then took it back. Thank God.

The next relationship was so, so very, very Bad! There is no explanation for it. It was almost like I was punishing myself, and I did put myself through hell. One thing that circulated through my brain for a long time afterward was this question, “Did I think so little of myself that I would accept someone like that to be part of my life?”

At the end of that relationship, I would often ask myself how I would get out of it. The truth is, I was scared. I was intimidated by the person, scared of dealing with the fallout.

I did walk away, but I did it with a bit of unsought, unintended, unexpected, but a fortunate experience that happened by accident — serendipity.

An unexpected phone call from an old friend who said someone from my past was trying to contact me. Was I sitting down? She asked. You might want to sit down.

A whisper echoed in my head, and the forgotten thread wrapped around my heart tightened. A fading touch reignited and tears formed in my eyes, but a smile lit my face this time.

You, it was you. You were calling old friends looking for me. You said our relationship and how it ended had weighed on your mind. You wanted to apologize.

I told my friend it was okay to contact me, and I gave her my work number and personal email.

The very next day, you called me at work. I did have to sit down; I was shaking and found it a bit hard to breathe.

In two weeks you came to visit. That ticket, and missed opportunity so many years ago, turned into many tickets.

Our relationship rocketed into space as if it had indeed been a pot of soup simmering on the back burner of a stove.

On December 31, 2001, I retired and moved to California to be with you. We spent a few years there until you retired, and then we moved back to New York, where it all started so many years before.

On July 7, 2005 we were married.

As time goes by, we have bonded and formed a deep love. A love challenged by all the ups and downs and strengthened by them. It is not the sweet, innocent love we started so many years ago. It is better, deeper, and unwavering.

Life is full of surprises, and I just can’t stop loving you.

We can change all the world tomorrow We can sing songs of yesterday I can say, “Hey farewell” to sorrow This is my life, and I Want to see you for always

I just can’t stop loving you

Lyrics from I Just Can’t Stop Loving You by Michael Jackson https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/michaeljackson/ijustcantstoplovingyou.html