You Are Chosen to Wipe My Ass

Don’t laugh — this is a serious post! Do not laugh. Stop. This. Instant!

Poop jokes, farting, and poop generally, are always funny and appeal to the mischief in all of us. Wanna make a class of students from kindergarten to University doctorate level laugh uncontrollably — fart while the teacher/lecturer is teaching.

If you want to change the tone at a funeral — fart. A well-timed fart is comedy gold.

Anyone who just read that, and is not at least smiling, or remembering ‘a moment’ can borrow my Glock and go out behind the shed. It’s times like this I wish I had a Glock and a shed.

I’ve decided that if I am ever really rich, which obviously as a writer is only a matter of time, I shall employ a full-time ass wiper. Surely that has GOT to be the ultimate status symbol. Not to be confused with a sycophant or brown nose.

With that in mind I have put an employment advert in the NY Times:

Ass Wiper required 24/7, 365.

Tiled accommodation provided. Water on tap.

We have a non-discrimination policy.

However, no one-handed person need apply. No long or false nails. No snacking whilst on the job will be tolerated. A formal non-disclosure agreement must be entered into. All applicants MUST have a keen sense of smell and agree to perform a smell test.

And definitely no lepers.

I’ll keep you posted on my applicants.

We poop daily but never talk about it. Most of us have changed a diaper, and all of us have had our diapers changed. Some more recently than we care to admit. Faeces connects the entire animal kingdom — we all do it.

Dogs and cats go straight to the good stuff — the butt hole. One sniff and they are caught up. They know your business.

So which of you checks your shit? We all know the importance, doctors always want a stool sample when it’s serious …

I will admit I’ve become obsessed with my ass. It too is serious business.

I blame the BIDET.

Or as I like to call her, Madam ANUSstasia. Think of me as that toddler who has just become potty trained, or found their genitals. Only much older.

When we have guests for dinner, I like to open with —

“so … have you had a good shit today, and did you wipe back to front or what?”

I can confirm it’s an icebreaker. And creates a stimulating conversation with my wife once the guests depart.

There are two basic options: With or without water. I am now firmly in the warm water camp of the ass wiping fraternity.

T-Paper is a far more complex issue.

If you use paper do you look at the paper after wiping? And do you peer into the bowl and study the turd before discarding the used t-paper?

He who covers his poop … after it’s hit the watery “soup”, is loopy-d-loop!

It says a lot about who you are. As with ancient royalty and doctors, we can learn a lot about our health by looking at and smelling our own foxholes.

Do you take a proper whiff? Think of it as sniffing good wine. Or perhaps bad wine. What “notes” are you picking up?

Do you check the colour?

Do you wipe back to front? Or front to back. If front to back, men, do you lift the two veg? Or are you that ‘circular digging deep into the cavity’ kind of person. Is there a seductive aspect to wiping your ass if you are that way inclined?

Do you double wipe. Wipe and then go back a short while later and wipe again. The certainty wipe. Have you ever NOT wiped, or forgotten. And have you ever dog-slid in grass while out walking, or used leaves, etc.?

Have you ever scratched your ass, I mean properly scratched, and then smelled your fingers? Be honest!

Do you stand crouched, legs spread and wipe or lean to one side and remain seated. I’ve read that standing with knees bent, while pooping is optimal. I do worry about my aim though. I saw how many bombing runs failed in the movie “Dam Busters”. I think that’s why my dad made me watch the movie. He was preparing me for the “ass wipe conundrum of 2022”.

Have you ever said — “Bombs away”, when pooping?

Is this a 50’s thing? You turn 50 and these sorts of issues begin to plague your thoughts. What else have I got to look forward to? While not entirely the same, I have become obsessed with getting the last drop out of condiment bottles. Is that part of the aging process?

Do you fold or crumple the paper? And do you take too much paper and waste or too little and accept life’s little accidents. Single, 2, or heaven forbid — 3-ply. Quilted or not. Bio or recycled. My personal study shows that 2-ply non-quilted is optimal.

There … I’ve said it. I have emerged from the toilet paper closet. I am forevermore, a two-ply man. You’ve got protection but equally can get in there and rummage. After a good poop, the ass needs a good rummaging don’t you feel?

Have you given much thought to recycled t-paper? It is quite a vulgar option in my humble opinion, as I even struggle to wear repurposed clothing.

My take away from all this … give a shit about your poop.