Relationships

You and the Friend or Respect Zone

What is really going on?

I just came across the phrase ‘Friend Zone’. I couldn’t be more blown away by the stated meaning. ‘Mismatch of attraction!’ Oh come on, get real.

Mismatch of attraction is a mismatch of attraction. If you want someone to, expect them to, respond in kind because you find them attractive, well I have to say point blank, that is an ‘unrealistic expectation’. Worse it is potentially disrespectful and controlling. It could easily extends into stalking…AHHHH

Let’s be honest about the reality, if some-one you are attracted to is not interested in a romantic relationship with you that is their choice and right!

Yes, you may be disappointed, and that is not fun. The reality is that not everyone anyone finds attractive will response in kind and find them attractive. When was the last time you found a celebrity ‘attractive’?

Thinking, assuming, that someone you are attracted to, will be, ought to be, attracted to you is just plain unrealistic.

Similarly the idea you’ll eventually convince some-one to be attracted to you and then acting on it is manipulative in nature. Importantly simple attraction doesn’t provide a good bases for a quality relationship, of any kind.

By accepting this reality you can embrace what it is you are looking for and look else where for it.

I know Kentucky Fried Chicken is different, but the principle is the same. If you now what you want, make sure you’ve got a good recipe and keeping asking until you find the right respondent.

Action Step 1

If you do want to attract a quality romantic relationship, especially one that will last, be the person you want in a long term relationship.Then who you are will attract a match, providing a stronger foundation for a Respectful Romantic Relationship.

Knowing what you want, in this case the recipe, will help you find a suitable partner for you. Significantly more successfully than having the ‘unrealistic expectation’ that anyone you are attracted to will be attracted to you or that such a romantic relationship will work out delightfully.

So what do you want?

Start with your values, having similar values will reduce conflicts. Also consider the things that you could not accept. I for one won’t date a smoker, friends yes, date no. I know horrible it is to watch someone die a slow lingering and painful death, if it happens it happens I will be there, BUT I have no intention of setting myself up for such a horror when I could avoid it with this simple rule.

Consider what you want from your relationship? Consider the purpose and goals of the relationship? Just wanting company leaves the field wide open.

What you kind of relationship do you want. Today it is wonderful the diversity of the roles and responsibility we can have in our relationships. The issue that arises though is that if we aren’t clear about our expectations, our desires and don’t discuss them we dramatically increase the chances of conflict caused by ‘hidden or assumed expectations’.

At the same time remember perfection is another ‘unrealistic expectation’ so have your grey zone. I talk in terms of:

Absolute Yeses, good for ensuring a pleasurable, fulfilling relationship.

Absolute Nos, good to reduce value clashing conflicts.

And the Flexible Zone, which is always good for exploration, growth and embracing others uniqueness.

Respectful Friendship

If you genuinely care for and respect some-one, then being friends is potential on the cards. Which sounds to me like a great way to express your care for and interest in someone, without the ‘unrealistic expectation’ of them having to respond to you the way you want. This is called ‘acceptance’.

Acceptance is the bases of ‘respectfulness’.

Respectfulness is the bases for ‘quality relationships’.

Importantly Respectful Relationships are mutually reciprocal and desired.

Such a bases is great for genuine friendships. Being friends is great, when founded in respect.

Bottom Line

‘Friend zone’ sounds like in a space (zone) of being friends (friend), which sounds good to me.

Romantic mismatches are just that.

Quality Romantic Relationships take more than attraction.

Finally, to me, if you can’t be friends, then its just as well they aren’t interested in you. Because it sounds like you may have a touch of ‘I want so I’ll have’ or ‘entitlement’ which is recognised as the foundation of abuse.

Harsh? Maybe, but if it is a Respectful Relationship you are looking for then asking and caring about what the other wants and respecting that is foundational.

Then again perhaps it is just not knowing how to deal with your disappointment. In which case just pop back to Action Step 1.

No-one has a right to expect others to respond the way they want…