Yoda Uses The Force To Decode The Candy Hearts You Got On Valentine’s Day
Matters, size does
Candy Message: WIN ME
Yoda’s Interpretation: Hard to get, I like to play. Narcissistic, dramatic pain in the ass, I am.
Candy Message: 1000 YEARS
Yoda’s Interpretation: Forever, this blind date is dragging on. Lasting almost as long as The Great Galactic War, it is. Wait to leave this fried chicken joint, I cannot.
Candy Message: HEART THROB
Yoda’s Interpretation: Handsome, I find you, but matters, size does. Big, powerful, glowing lightsaber, I hope you have.
Candy Message: BE TRUE
Yoda’s Interpretation: Winner of Miss Interstellar Beauty Contest, you are, according to photos on Bumble. Yet, a Wookiee I am sitting across from. Photo filter, did you use? Catfish me, you did.
Candy Message: SAUCY BOY
Yoda’s Interpretation: Skilled at flying saucer crafts, you are. Sexy, I find this. Mamma, come to.
Candy Message: UR SWEET
Yoda’s Interpretation: But worst date in history of the universe, this is. Bring me to watch “Space Jam: A New Legacy,” why did you? Act, LeBron James cannot.
Candy Message: U R A STAR
Yoda’s Interpretation: Special, you are not, because over 400 billion stars in galaxy, there are.
Candy Message: YOU FLIRT
Yoda’s Interpretation: Saw you flirting with bartender, I did. Strike them down with double-bladed lightsaber and finish them off by discharging Force lightning from hands until fingers get smokey, I shall.
Candy Message: PUGS & KITTENS
Yoda’s Interpretation: Mmmh. Unfamiliar with these sentient species, I am. Similar to Ewoks, are they?
Candy Message: STILL THE 1
Yoda’s Interpretation: Together for an entire light year, we have been. Still bear to look at you, I can.
Candy Message: I LUV YOU
Yoda’s Interpretation: But your mother, I hate. Nice to me, she has never been. Use Jedi mind trick to cast her to faraway crappy planet Dathomir, I will.
Candy Message: MARRY ME
Yoda’s Interpretation: Play kissy face Like Han Solo and Princess Leia, we shall. Get married and have son named Ben Solo, we will. Trained by Jedi Master Luke Skywalker, he will be. However, to the dark side, Ben will turn. Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, he will become. Attempt to obliterate the New Republic, the Resistance, and the entire legacy of the Jedi Order, he shall. Slight strain on our relationship, this will put. Divorce papers, we will then sign. Mmmh.
Candy Message: GET MY DRIFT
Yoda’s Interpretation: Ghost you, I shall.
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