Yesterday I Cried

When you don’t understand what else your children require of you!

What am I doing wrong?

I have never been accused of being a woman who cries. If anything I have been referred to as being too stoic. Parenting is not for the faint of heart.

But yesterday I cried! In two words — my teen-a-ger.

I have been a mother for over twenty-three years. So I know a little something about mothering. But, yesterday I cried — I cried from frustration, anger, grief, fear and I cried from the pain.

I am a good mother, or so I think. I have raised one successful child thus far. He is 23 years old and in his final courses in college. He was a relatively easy child to raise. No issues with drugs, excessive back-talk, a good student and I am proud of him.

I am a mother to three children ages 23, 16, and 8. All are at least 7 years apart.

The 16-year-old is a girl, a teenager in high school — that relationship has always been so much more challenging than raising my boys.

She always seems to want more! More clothes, a particular shoes, a specific phone, ear buds…the list goes on.

When I first dreamed of starting my own family, I could not imagine one without a daughter. I prayed oh so hard for one and when the sonogram confirmed that my prayers had been answered.

A girl, I was ecstatic!

A daughter, a tiny mini-me. To be cute, to dress alike, to go places together, and in time to be the best of friends. I would teach her all the things I knew and we would learn new things together.

My wish had been granted and a daughter I now had. That blessing came with its own set of issues.

Then the angel I had imagined began wanting things, many things — things that were quite expensive, and she wanted them often. She apparently was in a fierce competition of some sort.

I have owned a Samsung Note 5 phone for over 6 years (I think they are now up to a note 20). I am not one to spend my money frivolously, especially on myself. Both my older kids have had iPhones for a few years now while I, (the one employed) sports a 6+ year-old-phone.

I loved my phone and planned to only part with it when it no longer worked. Well, yesterday was the day the music died. My beloved phone fell out of my hand and broke on the hard tile floors.

I am now forced to replace my phone.

My daughter accompanies me to get my new phone and she takes this time to complain about her phone, which is barely 2 years old. Though it was preowned when she received it 2 Christmases ago. It works perfectly fine.

Her reasons for needing a new phone:

1. She has had this ‘old’ phone for 2 years.
2. The phone was owned by someone else.
3. She did chores and I still got her the cheaper option.
4. Her friends have the latest phones.
5. She is made fun of because of her ‘old’ phone.
6. Her friends think we are poor.

LOL! Her friends think we are poor!

Well, news flash here…WE ARE NOT RICH, not yet anyway… we are the working class (I hesitate to use the term poor as I refuse to put that out into the universe).

While she outlined her pleas for a new phone I sat there laughing, in the store. She asked why was I laughing and I told her because if I didn’t laugh I would cry.

I am so sad that she is not appreciative of ALL that I have tried to teach her. I came to this country from a world away with one suitcase and my dreams. Those dreams were not handed to me. I worked hard and I worked long for everything we have.

As an immigrant, I have tried to instill the values of sacrifice and hard work in my children. I have always let them know the story of how I came to be here. And I thought I was teaching them lessons that now sadly I realize have missed the mark.

My eldest two children are from a prior marriage. Their father and I separated way over a decade ago and he made sure never to provide for their upkeep. I have worked two full-time jobs, overtime, Sundays, night shifts wherever and whenever I could so that I could give them ALL the things I never had.

That was a mistake,

Now my children think we are rich. They seem to have no concept of hard work. Through all these years I thought I was teaching them those lessons by word and deed!

My heart was saddened!

Apparently, I had become too efficient as a provider and corrupted their thinking. Somehow I had not passed on the need for sacrifice and taught them the art of being content.

Things are about to change!

The takeaway

I broke her heart by telling her that I would not buy her a new phone unless a few stipulations are met:

1. All her chores are to be done with no prompting from me.
2. Chores must be able to pass muster, ie. the dust test.
3. Her room is to be cleaned and tidy at all times.
4. Partake in family activities and limit screen time, (ie., do not come downstairs with the phone in hand).
5. Offer to help — that is a big one. If you see a need help and let’s get it done!
6. Show me she is maturing and deserving.

Unless these criteria are met there will be no new phone or much else beyond the necessities of life. I have a small window of time in which to convey a strong lesson. It is a race against time to ensure she passes with at least a B.

That is why…yesterday I cried.

I cried because I felt I had failed my daughter, failed my children by giving them way too many materialistic things. I had failed to teach life lessons.

Yesterday I cried because I failed as a mother!

Yesterday I cried!