FINANCE HUMOR
Yesterday, I Broke the Stock Market
I ordered too much cheap sh*t on Amazon
Stocks are invisible, virtual dollar bills we horde so we can call ourselves stockholders.
Duh, right? What a lot of folks don’t know, however, is most stockholders are not geniuses. They are regular schlubs who are hoping for a 7% annual return.
Investors are victims of their emotions, which range from healthy and growth-oriented (bull) to angry and hungry for donuts (bear).
It was emotion that caused me to single-handedly destroy a potentially bullish market. I triggered a hungry grizzly and I apologize to everyone who lost money when the Dow spiraled.
I assumed the role of Head Judge for the Halloween costume contest, then my cascade of Amazon purchases began. One of my roles as Head Judge is to award prizes, so naturally I went to Amazon and typed in “cheap gifts.”
I could’ve driven to Dollar Store, but I’m too lazy for all that.
Wall Street Sees and Knows All
My budget was $10 per prize, with three total. I also thought it would be nice to have a few tiny prizes for any costumes that didn’t fit the mold.
What if someone dresses up as the Flying Spaghetti Monster? We don’t have a prize for most iconoclastic!
You want to know the costume categories since this isn’t just a post on macroeconomics. I give fair and balanced coverage to microeconomics.
- Most original
- Scariest
- Funniest
I had a total of $30. Now pay attention, because this is about to turn into a word problem.
I bought $8 worth of 200 random Halloween stickers for the runners-up and because I love stickers. Then, I pivoted to a Burt’s Bees sampler with chapstick and lotions and whatnot for $9.
Next, I discovered fancy teas, purchasing $8 worth of green and jasmine teabags in a tidy cardboard box.
The last prize wasn’t easy to find, but eventually I settled on a metallic-rose wine drinking cup with top and straw for $7.
How can you pass up a metal drinking cup for only $7?!
That’s $33 so I’ll have to cover three bucks myself.
I know what you’re thinking — how could $33 of purchases crash the Stockmarket?
The Flood Gates Opened
The world of cheap-ass goods surprised me and awoke a buying beast within.
I’ve been needing (LOL) a lava lamp to round out my 1971-themed office decor. What’s in there, you wonder?
- two folding brown chairs, low to the floor
- folding table, also low and brown
- middle-eastern rug in deep blue and burnt orange
- fabulous mushroom-themed tapestry on the wall
- portable sauna in orange and blue
The lava lamp idea melted away like wax on a playground slide in August after I found a glowing orb in several shades of pink and lavender and purple (“perfect gift for the tween in your life!”), which sits on a wood stand.
I also bought bookshelves for the corner so I can display the orb.
These shenanigans explain how Jeff Bezos can afford to build rocket ships. I got spendy, and didn’t even get the lava lamp. The cheap gifts — $24 orb and $26 dollar bookshelves — were so damn…cheap.
Don’t Judge Me — I Didn’t Stop There
It’s true I need to pay $2,000 to have my car painted, but I threw caution to the wind and ordered more crap.
Like a true consumerist philistine, I stayed online. I hunted down the outdoor bamboo water fountain I’ve been coveting for some time now, which costs $54 without the ceramic pot to set it on, but I can rustle that up from my yard.
As a great philosopher once said:
“Humans are programmed to leave home, get things, and bring them back.”
That has been amended to “sit on a computer and order things that get delivered to your doorstep.”
The only reason I feel guilty is the Earth is systemically being crushed under the weight of 8 billion people festooning their caves with purple and pink tween gadgetry.
Then again, I have a second reason to feel guilty: people are starving while I orb shop.
How My Purchases Caused the Crash
The spending spree began moments after I sensed a change in The Force because of falling gas prices.
I’d also been feeling flush because my personal account, which is fed by my weekly allowance, has grown to nearly $500!
During the week I drove around searching for an affordable paint job for my Toyota, I noticed gas prices were dipping below $3 a gallon. Therefore, inflation is slowing, right?
My gut told me it was.
The stockholders and DC bureaucrats who write about the economy did not agree. Jeff Bezos phoned Wall Street and informed them I bought nearly ten items totaling over $100 in a single afternoon, triggering the crash.
I don’t understand economics (see below) but it seems to me if I, Average Jane Consumer, feel confident enough to buy so much then it means America is back on track?
My theory is because my purchases were cheap items, this signaled a lack of consumer confidence that inflation will ever end, creating a ripple effect that triggered everyone to yell “sell” at once.
Final Econ Recon
Both times I was forced to take Econ in grad school I got Bs. One was macro, which I liked even though the professor kept trying to convert us all to the GOP by telling us how Big Pharma should make as much money as it damn well pleased.
In grad school, a B is actually a C- because grades are more bloated than the giant marshmallow man from the Macy’s Day Parade.
My grades help explain why I didn’t look ahead and realize my spate of spending could spawn a spectacular stock market slip-n-slide, which is exactly what happened.
All I wanted was to judge Halloween costumes, and look what I’ve done.
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Jean Campbell recently started her first Substack newsletter to laser focus on getting her book, City of Lies: A Street Hustler’s Omaha Journey published.
